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37 Year Old Forest Elf Seeks Connection w/ Caring Other(s)

 
Posts: 5
Location: New Mexico
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goat forest garden fungi foraging chicken bee greening the desert homestead
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Hello there, and sweet day to you!

My name is Brittney. I'm sitting in bed with the sunshine pouring through the windows, feeling all goofy-awkward-timid around exposing myself in this digital environment while I pick at a bowl of hot Buckwheat cereal and appreciate the adorable tiny senior dog who is so kindly warming my feet. <3

I'm taking a big step out of my comfort zone to post here because I, a nature-centered introvert, recently moved to a very small inclusive off-grid community of elder folk located on a huge amount of conservancy acreage (1,500 acres to be exact). At age 37, I am now their youngest community member. We'd all love to welcome more kind-hearted youngins here, if you're seeking a place to contribute your life's energy. Kind-hearted folk in general, actually. It's a beautiful place with big heart. :)

But yes, this in combination with COVID strangeness has me feeling a little concerned that if I don't reach out for human connection in some way/shape/form, I may very well disappear into the forest and never find it. It's mighty important to me to raise a family, so as amaaazing as disappearing into the forest may sound, it would certainly leave some vital quality-of-life-things to be desired. X)

Me? I'm a playful, resilient, love-centric high desert forest creature who is on an ever-evolving journey of re-wilding herself. I enjoy living remotely and off-grid, working with my hands and my heart, and connecting intimately with the nature that surrounds me.

I've been homesteading for the past 7 years and have yet to really experience this way of life with a dedicated and capable romantic partner who is as "into it" as I am. There's something about working with a like-hearted person in peace out in the wilderness... an infinitely capable team, masculine/feminine, supporting one another, each with their own unique skills, desires, and perspectives, building the nest one twig at a time, stepping back at the end of the day to admire the beauty that you are together, and have created together, and will continue to create together.... wow, that was a very long sentence.

Anyway, I feel an acute sense of romance in this pursuit even when I'm alone, which is often, and also never, because nature is always here with us <3. But, alongside another person that I connect deeply with? And/or even with kind friends who share the same survival focus and values? I mean, wow. Things are so great already that I can hardly imagine what life could be like.

Because despite being introverted and independent and very comfortable existing on my own, I am, in fact, a relationship person; more than anything else I enjoy exploring the depth of right relationship to Self, to Other, to Nature, etc. I can count on one hand the number of truly deep and lasting connections I have in this world, and I feel REALLY lucky to be able to say that, because they see me, and I see them, and we would do anything for one another. That is rare, it seems. My wish is that we can all be so fortunate.

If you're into astrology/personality-type stuffs, I am a Capricorn (Sun) / Cancer (Rising) / Libra (Moon); Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is INFJ; Enneagram is Type 9 (The Peacemaker), followed by a tie between 2 (The Helper) and 6 (The Loyalist); and an "HSP," or Highly Sensitive Person whose physical and intuitive senses are highly developed. I experience a pleasant form of synesthesia pretty regularly and feel a deep sense of connectedness with my environment and the beings around me, so I am cautious as to who I spend my time with and where... hence winding up on 1,500 acres with a bunch of mellow elders, ha. This rather animistic, shamanistic existence of mine has become a very sensual experience and I'm rooting more deeply every day, so I am gentle with myself.

I love love and I love loving. And it must be without condition, because if we can't love something exactly as it is and offer it the freedom to be itself in all the ways, well, that isn't love then, is it? So I practice unconditional love with great intention and am a nurturer by nature. I always practice with myself first, because that is what is in balance and necessary for a care-giver to keep giving care freely. And I simply won't give unless I can find within myself a space from which to do so freely and without expectation.

Basically, if a person doesn't like to be very expressly loved and seen and valued for the unique being that they are, then I'm probably going to bug the crap out of them, because I have no choice but to absolutely adore what I allow in my life, be it animal, plant, people, land, whatever. I love the heck out of the things that thrill me. I'm a passionate, wild thing in this way, I guess.

One of my favorite books is, "Women Who Run With the Wolves," which very much helped me in achieving a clearer understanding and acceptance of myself and my nature:

"Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, and a heightened capacity for devotion. Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed of great endurance and strength. They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mates, and their pack. They are experienced in adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave."

Heck. Yes. We. Are.

Hmm... what else? Well, in my "past life" I was a web developer/designer and business operations manager who spent 80 hours of her life each week engrossed in computer screens. I was a mediaphile (sooo maaany mooovies), a geek (table top/board games, anime, comics, electronic music), and a player of many, many video games. I still have a place in my heart for those things. Many times I won't pass on a good movie or game o' Tetris or riding off into the sunset in Red Dead Redemption II.

Today though I love nothing more than having my paws in the soil and the scent of forest and sun on my skin. I'm still a silly geek, only I geek out on different things, like permaculture, perennial plants and food forests, water harvesting and management, natural building, animal husbandry (I freaking LOVE poultry and am highly experienced with goats and rabbits), carpentry/wood working, primitive skills, archery, leather working, and inspiring nature-based off-grid living systems. I love working with my hands and still feel inexperienced in my body after all those years spent in the tech world, but that's okay. We don't get experience until just after we need it anyway, right?

I like to work hard and really invest myself into what I'm doing, and I also make sure to play while I'm doing it, because I like doing things with joy and presence. Chop wood (I love my Lynxx battery-powered chainsaw and 3.5 lb ax), carry water! The few people I've worked with have told me that I'm the fiercest and most dedicated worker they've spent time with, even in comparison to people twice my size (I stand around 5' tall and weight 100-some pounds). That was flattering aaand also kind of hard for me to believe, hee hee. Regardless, for me this work is my life and is necessary to live, so I aim to make it fun because I'm glad to be here. I mean, why not?

The biggest catalyst for my change in lifestyle was the experience of intense illness, which I have since recovered from and am SO grateful for. I credit my current state of vibrant health to hitting the pain point that necessitated I embrace love over fear; grow/eat organic hand-raised seasonal foods; spend a lot of time with nature; and remove chemicals, pharmaceuticals, processed sugar, and gluten/most grains from my life.

If it sounds to you like we should know each other, I would probably like to learn you too. I invite you to reach out to me at BeSweetHomestead@gmail.com while knowing that we may experience a delay in my getting back to you, because I often choose to embrace physical reality over computer'ing. But I'll come back around eventually and will surely enjoy "meeting" your unique self. :)

In joy and with kind regards to you and yours,
B.




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