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Matchmaking.. why DONT they?

 
pollinator
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Ok,  get personal with me here.  I sort of thought it was a thing for married couples to play matchmaker with their single/divorced friends and acquaintances..   but I've never had a SINGLE friend suggest or mention this to me.  Not even a hint of "oh you should meet my friend so-and-so..."  type comment.  Never even an ask if I'm "in the market" or what my dating/social status is currently!

Why not?   I'm apparently missing something.   I asked my ex if HE gets any of that and he said "all the time" even when he doesn't want it.   So..  it's still being done, lol.  Just not for/with/to/ me?   I'm feeling a bit insecure about it actually!    Talk me off the ledge,  throw me a bone,  make some suggestions about who people do this for?  
 
author & pollinator
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No one ever has for me, either.  I don't know why. All I can assume is that no one thinks I'm a match for anyone they know.
 
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It's simple.....a single friend will never want you to have a relationship because they want you to be single and lonely just like them....misery loves company
 
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In the almost 10 years of being single - NEVER has anyone played match maker.  Yes I have teasingly said things to married friends - co-workers - etc. Never had any problem before attracting guys!  It is like a barren dessert.  I have tried joining groups - clubs and nope not a hit or someone saying you need to meet what's his name!  Have I gotten so settled - I am 70 - or is it the guys in my age range have given up or died?  Where are the couples on this board - they need to list the single friends and see if some matching can be done!  I challenge someone to set up a board game to help singles meet some one.
 
pollinator
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Married people try to set people up because they assume everyone wants to be married. Single people don't make this assumption as often. And I would suspect that if your single friend likes someone they don't want to see you as competition.
 
gardener
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Could be lots of different factors involved.

One reason could be simply that many married people are in a different stage of life where most of their friends are married too.  I remember when my wife and I were first married it seemed like we were getting invited to weddings all the time.  Now it's a rare occasion - maybe one every 2-3 years.

Of course, they might also either not know that you want to be set up - or may be more polite than your ex's circle and not want to come across as nosy/pushy.

If that happens to be the case, and you'd like some leads, then it might be an idea to let them know that you're interested in their help. If you're a blunt sort you could just say it straight up, or if you'd be too embarrassed maybe drop some hints in conversations... like if you're chatting about some upcoming event, "I'd like to go to that, but I don't have a date."
 
Terry Wilson
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Oh I do, yes I do come out and ask co-workers, friends, and others. I ask do you have an uncle (most co-workers, people I know are any where from 10 to 25 years younger) cousin etc.  I have tried the dating sites - dated a guy from there until he stole money from me - I am not a church person, I do belong to a couple of bee clubs.  do not do the bar scene, have tried the dance clubs - they just seemed to want to "hook up" - yep your first thought was correct what that is.  I am not a purist, I have a masters, so am not a dummy.  I have aged fairly well for 70 and am not over weight, I have enough money to take care of myself fairly well.  So what gives?  I still dare some one to come up with some type of game to help the old fogies like me find their significant other.  Who is up to the challenge?
 
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I have planed outing in which I arranged for 2 people to meet without either of them knowing they were set up.  Both couples are married for over 20 years
 
Stacy Witscher
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I have to say that if anyone I knew wanted me to meet one of their friends, a dinner party is a perfect opportunity. I love dinner parties. No pressure, just friends introducing other friends to each other. Beautiful and if nothing else, you get a lovely evening out of it.
 
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Stacy Witscher wrote:I have to say that if anyone I knew wanted me to meet one of their friends, a dinner party is a perfect opportunity. I love dinner parties. No pressure, just friends introducing other friends to each other. Beautiful and if nothing else, you get a lovely evening out of it.



I agree this is a great way to meet people, but it's fallen out of fashion in most circles. I do remember my parents having a lot of dinner parties, and sometimes inviting divorced friends in the hopes that they would hit it off.
 
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What's really disheartening is reading the reviews for professional matchmakers.
 
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Heather Staas wrote:  but I've never had a SINGLE friend suggest or mention this to me.    



I think this has caused some confusion - Heather did you mean "not a SINGLE one of my married friends has ever tried matchmaking" or "none of my SINGLE friends"?

If the former, I can only suggest maybe we should be more open about the fact that we are open to finding someone.  I recently said something to my team leader that made him say "oh, I didn't realise you were in the market for a person" and I've known him nearly two years.
 
Heather Staas
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ROFLOL,  thank you for that.   I was wondering where I went wrong and DUH, yeah, that clears it up.   I meant "not a single one" of my friends..  as in "none"  ;)
 
pollinator
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Heather, I have female friends that I care about.  I would never try to fix them up with anyone for two reasons, both having nothing to do with the female.  1, I would feel like I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, and 2, if it doesn't work out, or works out for a while and then ends badly, it puts me in a weird position.  For those reasons, I stay out of all this.  Please don't take it personally, it probably has nothing at all to do with you.
 
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Oh Heather,

This post here brought up some feelings. I used to wonder the same thing. Do my family/friends not think I'm a good candidate for their single male family/friends? Am I not dateable? With your ex saying it happens for him, maybe it is sexism. I am over 50 and have stopped considering "my circle" as a source of finding a perspective match. I'd love to find a match here on permies, but don't see too much success among those posting here.

Just in case some nice man is reading this. SBF, 56 y/o, wants to live in roughly in NC area for homestead(ish) life.

Blessings For Suitable Matchups For Us All,

Jewel
 
steward
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Probably the main reason I would never play a matchmaker is that I would feel that would be a reflection on me.

I was the same way with recommending someone for a job.

Maybe in the back of my mind would be that my best friend might get mad at me for fixing her up with a loser.
 
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Heather Staas wrote:
Ok,  get personal with me here.  I sort of thought it was a thing for married couples to play matchmaker with their single/divorced friends and acquaintances..   but I've never had a SINGLE friend suggest or mention this to me.  Not even a hint of "oh you should meet my friend so-and-so..."  type comment.  Never even an ask if I'm "in the market" or what my dating/social status is currently!

Why not?   I'm apparently missing something.   I asked my ex if HE gets any of that and he said "all the time" even when he doesn't want it.   So..  it's still being done, lol.  Just not for/with/to/ me?   I'm feeling a bit insecure about it actually!    Talk me off the ledge,  throw me a bone,  make some suggestions about who people do this for?  



It doesn't happen often, but over the years I've been set up a few times.  Always it's with someone who is very obviously no good for me.  I've always been very active and healthy, and I've been set up with a sedentary chain smoker, a 300lb woman who had difficulty going up half a flight of stairs...
I'm also really not into TV, or fashion or frilly stuff like that, and was set up with this skinny useless girl who cared more about her makeup, and clothes than she did about her character.

I agree with whoever said something about making a game or something to help match people up.  
 
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I was matched up only once, and that was by my grandparents. I am not sure if it was successful or not; in some ways yes because it led to marriage, but also not since we divorced ten years later?

But for the most part no.

I even had people tell me, "You and this other lady would make a strong power-couple if there ever was one", but that was as far as it went. No trying to match us up, although clearly they had put some serious thought into it.

I now have a girlfriend and while we met in a roundabout way, we found out she is best friends with a woman I worked with. Despite having (3) inseparable friends that are single and never married, she NEVER once thought about introducing me to any of them. We were good friends then as well as now, so why she never thought of me with any of them seems odd. I do not mean they had a string of various boyfriends over the years, they were single for years and years and yet never once thought about suggesting me meet any of them. My girlfriend and I laugh about it now though...
 
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   Dating is weird, coming from a guy who's basically never had a significant other. I'm in decent shape have my life together and really don't have much to complain about.
   But yes, none of my friends have ever set me up or even suggested any of their single lady friends towards me. It's an interesting time in my life. I'm watching most of my family and friends getting married and having kids, and I wish them all the best but It would really be nice to find a decent lady vs. just one that is looking to "score."
   I'm in my 30s and don't think like a 25yr old anymore the drive for just random hook ups is not what I'm interested in anymore. I'd really like to find someone who's special to me and that's a tough ask apparently.
   
 
master steward
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I would see myself as being rude by suggesting to someone who they should date or even that they need to date.
 
Mark Doser
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John F Dean wrote: I would see myself as being rude by suggesting to someone who they should date or even that they need to date.





   You're not really suggesting who someone dates you are just saying hey I have a friend who is looking for someone. If you are interested I have their number ect. If they arnt interested they will typically tell you right away. Friends and family were a really common way people used to meet their significant others in the past.
 
Steve Zoma
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I was reading something completely different than this today called 200 random kind things to do.

Of the 200, 2 suggested setting up people who might pair well together
 
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Well, there's so many options...

I won't mention those mentioned here already but these came to my mind:

a) you're too busy with your interests that you forget to send out the vibe that you're ready to "play"
b) you're as odd as me and there simply are no matches in your current circles
c) your friends go...."hmmm, I wonder...neah, she'd be bored with him" or other judgments because they have you in a simplified box
d) you appear comfortable in your lonely life, like Scandinavians (all Scandinavian countries have over 40% one-person households)

Of course, your single friends might just be jerks... :D
 
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It's happened to me a few times and you don't want it. You maybe want the ego boost, but it's not worth it. It's so awkward and cringey. There's a feeling of guilt that you have to humor the match maker. The encounters are weird and uncomfortable since they are manufactured instead of spontaneous. And then there's more guilt when you're not interested in your family/ friend's pick.
 
pollinator
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I don't think I've ever tried to set up a one on one matchmaking situation. But there's been plenty of times where I've intentionally invited a couple people I think might get along well to a BBQ or an outing. They'll have a chance to meet and there's enough happening that they'll have a good time even if they don't get along with each other.
 
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I'm going to write a little thing about me with my email and number on it (or just use my post here on the singles forum), and give the link to some of my older wiser friends and say hey, if you ever think of a young single lady who might get along with me, feel free to send this to them.  If she's curious she can take a look and reach out knowing I'm open to it, and if she's not interested I'll never need to know.  I suggested this to an elder friend who's matchmade a couple couples before and she thought it was a great idea.  I imagine there's a lot of people who'd have had fun helping set me up with someone that way, but weren't going to bother doing anything on their own unasked.
 
pollinator
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It might be a good thing rather than a bad thing.  I have had 2 different couples tell me that they didn't know anyone good enough for me.  One we were sort of talking about the edges of dating but that wasn't what we are discussing so I might have lead the conversation that way some how so cross it off.  But the other one completely popped out of the blue discussing something else entirely so I am fairly sure it was a genuine thought.


And I have gotten a few long distance set ups that I communicated with but never met and I have gotten a few suggestions from friends of who to try on the local level.  None of them ever resulted in a date.

1.  set up from her sister who was local while she was roughly 13 hours away.  Wrote for a year and half.  Potentially a good match.  Never saw a picture.  Met the parents multiple times.  Could never get her either to meet in the middle or come her to visit her sister.  Her work was always too busy for that to happen.  Finally gave up when I learned from the sister here that the parents liked me well enough they had offered to fly the gal out to meet me/visit the sister.  Since that wasn't enough to get her here I simply gave up.

2.  Another I was given a different lady's sister to write to.  Did the short note, got a response.  Sent a long note and nothing.  Checked the email daily for a couple months hoping.  Like 6 months later got a mildly cold snotty note saying that she was changing jobs and that email address wouldn't be good.  About 8 years later was going back my email looking for something and found a block of 4 unread messages from that era.  What I didn't know then is occasionally messages going to hotmail get hung up in some server somewhere and can take months to be delivered and because the date is the date sent they end up hidden way back in your messages.  I have since caught it happening 2 more times.  Oh well.  Any communications failure early is the same as a rejection since most women want the guy to fade away when ghosted.

3.  Only blind date ever was a double date too.  Tried 3 times for a second date.  First 2 times I couldn't get a response phoning and after many attempts leaving a message. At the behest of the lady who set the blind date, did a 3rd try after many attempts got her on the phone.   Was told maybe but she would let me know a week ahead for sure.  No contact,  tried to reach her a few days before and no luck.  Finally decided to prepare anyway so was cooking the meal really late on a Fri night for noon the next day when she called to say the answer was no.

4.  Had 2 different friends suggest the same lady in the same week.(understand 1 suggestion a year is about peak)  Got a no thank you.

5.  Had 3 different friend suggest a different same lady in about 2 weeks.  First time turn down was not ready to date, when I happened to know from other sources she likely was.  Second turn down was not till her youngest graduated would she date.(she was active daily on a singles site at the time)   So pretty sure I was blown off but waited several years till her youngest son graduated and tried again.  Wasn't turned down but every suggested date and time she was too busy for and couldn't.  After about 6 tries with no counter suggestion from her, was absolutely sure I wasn't it.

So maybe you are not being set up because they don't know anyone good enough and maybe it is simply that they are keeping you from pain.
 
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I can hold a big singles BBQ festival weekend out at my place. WooHoo! But no one wants to go to New Mexico.  HA HA HA...!
 
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Heather Staas wrote:
Ok,  get personal with me here.  I sort of thought it was a thing for married couples to play matchmaker with their single/divorced friends and acquaintances..   but I've never had a SINGLE friend suggest or mention this to me.  Not even a hint of "oh you should meet my friend so-and-so..."  type comment.  Never even an ask if I'm "in the market" or what my dating/social status is currently!

Why not?   I'm apparently missing something.   I asked my ex if HE gets any of that and he said "all the time" even when he doesn't want it.   So..  it's still being done, lol.  Just not for/with/to/ me?   I'm feeling a bit insecure about it actually!    Talk me off the ledge,  throw me a bone,  make some suggestions about who people do this for?  



maybe that gives you the freedom to make your own match. Nothing more annoying than having friends trying to glue you to people you wouldnt even like them doing your laundry. You might not be missing anything, just that the pool of options just isnt there and we know being alone is better than being in poor company.

Your friends can invite you to parties with other people and then, grown ups do their own matching.

in the course of my lifetime i have been matched a few times...... for me, it was a no-no.
 
Steven Rodenberg
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I set up people by making there paths cross without telling either 1
 
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Probably safe to assume your friend is like you, probably wants the same type of person as you, probably not going to set you up with their sweetheart .

my 2cents.
As a man, everyone under the sun is telling me to go hookup with someone, but non of them have tried to find a suitable long term partner.
Our culture is a mess, and finding the right people, to introduce you, to the right people, is hard.
My new boss is an old man. We had a talk about this stuff. Hes pretty much the only man that was on board with waiting for the right one, and not just messing around. He told me his story, and gave me some advice.
 
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After a certain age as a married person, all my friends are either married or fairly inclined to stay single. So I don't set them up, but I do host things, and if they happen to hit it off, great. I've also had friends mad at me for setting them up when it didn't work out later, and some of the younger people like to get angry with your for assuming everyone will be better off in a relationship, so I just don't need the hassle.

Have you asked any of your married friends if they could introduce you to someone you might hit it off with? I would totally introduce people if they requested it, I'm just not into "meddling" anymore.
 
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