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What's your love language?

 
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In the spirit of getting people talking and putting in the effort, let's play a game.

Rate or State your love language. What you would like to receive. I've numbered the choices to make it easier, you may pick one or arrange them into an order of importance to yourself. The top choice representing the most important to you, and the last being the least.

1. Words of affirmation
2. Physical touch
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Acts of service
6. Logic



 
pollinator
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5,4,2,1,3
 
gardener
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Excellent idea!

1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of...

Lol! That's a tough question.

1. Touch. Hugging, laying all tangled up together, holding hands, even just the sides of your knees touching sitting side by side. Nothing beats touch for making it feel concrete. A woman's body is her most priceless possession. For her to share it with me is priceless beyond compare. To geek out for a second, when you touch and feel the warmth from each other, with all the photons and whatnot, part of you is actually intermingling with the other person when you touch and vice versa. How amazing! But on the flip side it disgusts me to touch someone I don't like for the same reason.

2. Quality time. Especially in the busy world today, time is such a gift to treasure.

3. Words of affirmation, I guess. Not so much things like compliments, but rather statements of fact. I can't imagine much in life making more of a difference to me than to hear someone say things like "I love you," or "You make me so happy."

4. Receiving gifts, as long as it's not just money gifts. Things like something she made, or something she wrote, or some trinket bought in the moment or because it reminded her of me.

5. Acts of service. I'm used to taking care of myself, and I feel uncomfortable when someone waits on me. I feel like I should be doing something too. I prefer things where we both do something at the same time, or even err on the side of me doing more for her.
 
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4,2,5,1,3
 
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1. Quality Time...undistracted Quality Time when we're together...and also Quality Time apart. Being present.

2. Words of Affirmation...to feel seen, heard, and understood helps me to feel loved.  

3 & 4 are closely behind #2: Physical Touch & Acts of Service.

Distant last place: Gifts
 
pollinator
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Just to be awkward, in reverse order.. OK, the reverse order is because it gets more complicated on the way down.


Receiving gifts. Umm, thanks I guess?
Acts of service. I might not act like it but I am a big boy and am pretty capable.


This is where it gets complicated. I have a very hard, somewhat cynical shell.


For those outside the shell:

Words of affirmation. Genuinely, thank you, that's a very nice thing to say and I enjoy the compliment.
Physical touch. Forget gas or diesel, I run on hugs.
Quality time. I recharge alone but seeking me out or inviting me somewhere is wonderful.


For the 4 or 5 people in the world who have got past my shell.

Physical touch. Forget gas or diesel, I run on hugs.
Quality time. I recharge alone but watching a film, going on a walk or just talking over lunch is how I connect.

Words of affirmation. Words are a root of identity, not "do I identify with this group" but "this is part of the core of my being". You can make me invincible or destroy me.


 
master pollinator
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I never bothered to "officially" do this for myself, while at the same time hearing others practically rave about it from time to time. So this was a nice diversion. I have an intuitive understanding of what each of the categories may mean, so my ratings are based on that and may be inaccurate if assessed by a Certified Love Language Professional (tm).

I also realized that priority of certain things on the list has changed over time. Right now - as a boot at WL - I feel like it's an interesting and somewhat lonely, transitional time in my life. However, while "physical touch" continues to fall further down the list, "acts of service" seems to still always remain at the top.

1. Acts of service
2. Quality time
3. Physical touch
4. Words of affirmation
5. Receiving gifts
 
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My love language is logic. Yeah. It's not on the list. lol
 
Nicole Blank
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It is now!😁 Lol!
 
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2,4,6,5,1,3  IU hate gift giving I already have everything I want and too much of it.
pile-of-junk-in-large-shed-S0D8TB.jpg
my whole house and beyond
my whole house and beyond
 
Mother Tree
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This post might get a bit rambly and I might lose track of any sort of point that I was attempting to make, so please bear with me...

From what little I know of love languages, we tend to give or express love in the ways we like to receive it. And it probably works easiest (best?) if our partners share the same love language.

For me, it's touch. I'm autistic, and like a lot of other autisic people I have certain hypersensitivies. The tiniest touch will get me going, and I love it. I'd hug and snuggle all day long given half a chance. I also used to have hypersensitive hearing.

I've known my current partner since we were at school together. There were literally decades that we scarcely saw each other between leaving school and getting together as partners. He's autistic too. And loud. Very loud. When we were at school, although we got on brilliantly I would develop headaches just being near him. We didn't know about the autism thing then, and I never realised that I was hypersensitive, just that he was loud. Mercifully, over the years my hearing has dropped off a bit to a more 'normal' level. I've also learned about the hypersensitivity thing, and also become much more up-front about my needs so I was quite happy to explain what triggers the headaches and we have a simple, effective hand-signal code now if he's getting too loud, which he understands is not just me attempting to shut him up, it's just that I want him to quieten down so I can actually listen.

What I did NOT realise until after we got together is that he is hypersensitive to touch too. Like, seriously hypersensitive. With me, touch is awesome and I crave it. For him, the touch of another person is like being given a hot mug of tea to hold, but not by the handle. It's ok for a couple of seconds, but then it gets more and more urgent until he's fighting himself to not push the other person away. More to the point, he'd never really analysed it himself, and just thought he 'wasn't really into that stuff'.

But understanding love-languages has helped us work through this.

I *need* touch in a relationship. I don't need much. I'd love lots and lots and lots, but the tiniest bit is so amazing for me that I don't actually need much of it.

He *can't* do much my way of touch, but he knows how much I need it. So I get as many hugs as I need, and I try to make that as few as possible, but enjoy every moment of them. If I'm falling apart at the seams (which has been quite a lot over the last few years) he'll battle with himself to let me linger with hugs, but the cost to him is quite high. If we talk about it, the way he describes is that 'There's only so many hugs in me in a day.' And I have to understand that and not push too much, and understand that his love language is *very* different.

We're both into spending quality time with each other - driving places together, working in the garden together, fixing up bits of the new house together.

But for him the top one is probably 'acts of service'.  He is incredibly touched (ha - that word again!) if I *do* anything for him. And he expresses his love to me almost constantly by doing things for me. Honestly, he'd wait on me hand and foot all day long if I let him. Which is no bad thing as both my mental and physical health have nosedived for the last three years or so and he's been an absolute rock keeping me going and getting me back on my feet. He loves to cook for me, and is utterly delighted when I express any sort of appreciation. Then I do the washing up, and that means so much to him as he absolutely hates doing that.

I just want to share something that happened a couple of weeks ago.

He wandered up to where I was sitting, took me gently by the hand, and rather sweetly compared the size of his hunky great fingers to my relatively petite ones by placing his our hands together, palms touching. I just melted at the touch and was revelling in it.

"Ah, they're so much smaller than mine!" he says.

Aw, what a sweetie.

"Can you come downstairs and fish out the bits of rubble that have ended up in the new shower drain for me - my fingers won't fit."

It's sort of funny, but I get the extra bit of touch (my love language). He gets acts-of-service (his love language) when I go to help him with something. I get acts-of-service too, as he's installing the drain as part of the install-a-shower exercise. And we *both* get quality-time together.  

I really think it's important to figure out each other's love language, and find ways to make them work for you as a couple. And most importantly, to really appreciate it when they do things for you in either their own or in your love language.



 
pollinator
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Acts of service and Quality time are my top two by a big margin.  

Words of affirmation and physical touch are super super low to me.   I forget other people need them!  
 
pollinator
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Burra - that's really sweet. I get what you mean. I like touch but the right touch and sometimes these conversations go in an entirely different direction than we were anticipating. So funny.

I like to cook and care for people, if they won't let me, it's a problem.
 
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Nicole Blank wrote:In the spirit of getting people talking and putting in the effort, let's play a game.

Rate or State your love language. What you would like to receive. I've numbered the choices to make it easier, you may pick one or arrange them into an order of importance to yourself. The top choice representing the most important to you, and the last being the least.

1. Words of affirmation
2. Physical touch
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Acts of service
6. Logic



I've never heard of the 6th love language, so I'm not quite sure how to rank it.  I'm thinking it means they use their logic to help solve your problems? They put thought into what they do for you? If that's in the ballpark of what it means, here's how I rank them:

1. Acts of service  
2. Quality time
3. Words of affirmation
4. Logic
5. Receiving gifts
6. Physical touch

I'm pretty sure my husband is nearly the exact opposite. At least his top to are my bottom two. We've been married 15 years, and we've learned (and continue to learn) how to give the love languages that don't come inherently, and to appreciate the ones the other gives. Like Burra mentioned, knowing that the love language you need isn't the one they instinctively gives, makes those expressions of love even more precious. You KNOW they went out of their way to show their love for you.  
 
gardener
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This is so fascinating!  I love it.  I asked my husband to order mine from his perspective, and I did his.  

I do think that he and I have logic as #1.  My interpretation of this is that otherwise, our relationship would never work - we each have to think the other is logical in their decision making in order to trust the other's decisions entirely, and we want to feel on the same page with most everything.  When we have differences in these matters, we tend to "logic" them out.  We've rarely not been able to come to a full agreement, but once in awhile it happens and we can move on from that.  However, it's quite rare.  I could not start a relationship with someone I considered illogical, same with him.  It would be unbearable.  

I've definitely met couples where one considered the other to be illogical, or certain significant parts of their thinking illogical - and the relationship still works.  They just each accept that they think differently from one another.  I would have a lot of trouble with that in a partner and it kept me single a long time in my twenties as I learned this was unacceptable to me.

But here's an example of it working - I have a friend who has illogical style tastes as compared to her husband's point of view. They understand and accept that of one another, and she gets to be the decisionmaker in those matters. In this case I'm specifically referring to styles that cost a lot for just a look. Her husband doesn't "need" the stylistic choices, but she does, so they agree to go with it.  I think he also likes having the ability to then do/buy something that doesn't make a lot of sense to her tastes, like maybe a motorcycle or something for himself.

This manner of relating wouldn't work well between me and my husband.

My husband also pointed out that we are each "show me" versus "tell me" people.  If you are not demonstrating your love, appreciation, etc with quality time and acts of service, then telling either of us feels empty.  Statements without demonstration (significant action) is not meaningful to either of us.  So we both had gifts and affirmations at the bottom.

Funny enough, my husband knew how to "play the dating game" when we met.  He hadn't met a woman like himself before.  But he quickly found out I had no need for gifts and I would rarely remember an anniversary...and instead valued quality time, acts of service, and touch.  :-D  It's very convenient. If he wants to make me ecstatically happy just help me in the garden all day.
 
Kim Goodwin
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As different as we all are who have posted in this thread, my husband noticed a humorous similarity.  

It might be that most everyone on Permies has "Helping me in the garden" as a top expression of their love language, be that viewed as a gift, act of service, quality time or any other category it may apply in...
 
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1. Receiving gifts.- I think I'm the first person to put gifts as my number one so let me explain myself lol.
For me there's an art to gift giving and there's meaning behind it. I don't like buying random things for the sake of getting a person a gift. Likewise I don't like receiving random things. I can actually be hurt sometimes when I open a gift and it's something I don't like. People say " well, it's the thought that counts." But I would say, if you're buying someone something you're not even sure they would like or if you receive something that you have no interest in, then there's barely a thought. And is that really the message I want to send or receive? "You're worth barely a thought. Enjoy your gift." It makes me think the person doesn't know me at all. I'm talking specifically about receiving or giving gifts with someone with which I have a relationship. Obviously if a stranger gave me a gift I didn't like I wouldn't care. But I've never had a stranger give me a gift so that's irrelevant.
I just think there's something special about paying attention to the person you care about so you're able to gift them with something they love. It shows that you care enough to even notice.

2. Words of affirmation. - I think there's a lot of power in the words that we say. I know that for me a kind word, even from a stranger, can turn my whole day around. There have also been times where I've gone through some really tough stuff and someone just said " I'm rooting for you." And even to this day I start to tear up when I think about it because at the time I had a lot of people who weren't rooting for me and wanted to see me fail. Just having that one person say "I hope you win." Was enough to recharge my spirit.

3. Logic. - If I'm ever in a high pressure situation I need my partner to be more logical than emotional or irrational. Someone who is more logical makes me feel safe.

4. Acts of service.

5. Quality time. - I'm an introvert so spending a lot of time with someone is not big on my priorities. I like to know you're there. I just don't always want to be with you 😉.

6. Physical touch. - I don't like being touched. At all. Lol Which is going to be a problem cause I would like to one day have kids. I've never been a hugger, cuddling just makes me feel like I can't get comfortable, getting a massage is a special kind of torture. Yeah, physical touch is definitely last on my love languages list.
 
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John C Daley wrote:5,4,2,1,3



I’m with John here.
 
Curt Cogburn
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The Sixth Love Language - The Lost Chapter

I can be a bit of a cheeky devil sometimes. Leave it to me to drop a drive by comment a few days ago like “Logic,” then skedaddle. I'll be honest, I haven't read the book so what I write here is just my opinion based on the fuzzy notion of love languages from the original post. I have however heard of the love languages in the past, though, the concept to me always rang of an emotional marketing campaign. And those don't resonate with me. But today of all days... has been a day for contemplation, not only because nearly all day there has been a nonstop downpour of rain, but also because this morning I woke to a phone call and the news of a friend passing. So, all day I have been catching up on indoor chores and doing a lot of thinking when I look out the window at the rain. I'm cobbling this together here and there, so bear with me... it's gonna require some structure in order to formulate my thoughts... but I hope this helps a permi out there.

Definitions & Assumptions

Love Language: Some sort of mutual or reciprocal behavior thought to show love and thus be integral for the success of a long-term/meaningful relationship...

Preface

Love. What is it really? (This is a rhetorical question btw)

Part I: On Psychological Wants/Needs

When I read the original post, this is how I processed it:

The person wants/needs some sort of mutual or reciprocal behavior to feel loved in a long-term/meaningful relationship.... and that behavior had various classifications... such as:

1. Words of affirmation |Interpretation| I want/need you to tell me certain things so I feel loved.
2. Physical touch |Interpretation|  I want/need you to touch me so I feel loved.
3. Receiving gifts |Interpretation|  I want/need you to buy me things so I feel loved.
4. Quality time |Interpretation|  I want/need you to be present with me as much as I require so I feel loved.
5. Acts of service |Interpretation|  I want/need you to do things for me so I feel loved.

Inherently, I believe there are two flaws with this dynamic. The first is that your internal state is dependent on something external. When you say to someone, I want/need “X” to feel loved then you are placing the state of you feeling loved on someone else. I think this is not a strong place to be psychologically. In other words, your “feeling loved” depends on someone else’s behavior. The second flaw comes down to reciprocal behavior. Any time something depends upon reciprocity, people start “keeping score.”

Let us now enjoy a short thought experiment about this state of mind. Let us think of psychological needs as... psychological dependencies. I ask, is it too far a leap to go from some of the above statements, for example:

“I want/need you to tell me certain things so I feel loved.”

to something like this:

“My feeling loved, is dependent upon you telling me certain things.”

Generally, when we think of dependency it is viewed through a negative lens. Say in context of an addiction, it might be pills or alcohol or whatever. Going further, what can we notice in those who have a dependency? Usually, it didn’t start out that way. What goes from just “wanting” a drink to relax goes to “needing” a drink because “it was a hellish day at work” to alcohol embedding itself into their life like a tick that just can’t be picked off. What was once a want, became a need, then a dependency. What else do we know about dependency? We know it usually takes more and more for the same effect. It’s a gradual process so you don’t notice it all at once. It sneaks up behind people. It’s not like they just started out drinking a bottle of vodka a day. But one drink a day became two, then two became three and so on because they couldn’t get the same effect out of one drink anymore. During this gradual process, it took/takes more and more of "X" for the physical or psychological need to be met.

Let us now extrapolate this to one of the love languages.

For example, say gift giving is your girls love language and part of her psychological needs. Well, you buy her a cute little trinket when you first meet, after all, you've only been going out a week, but she loves you for it. How soon before she needs another little something, ahem, “fix” to feel loved? She keeps dropping hints about this purse or that dress... and then what... and then what...  A year later, you're looking at your credit card bill; holding that nice gold necklace for your anniversary... it was two grand. And then what? Months later your company announces layoffs. And then what?

Another example might be say the need for physical touch. Given this paradigm/parallel between alcoholism, when is something/someone not enough? What happens when “the one drink” begins to lack its effect, or in this particular example, the “intimacy/physical touch” effect has begun to dull or wear off; they still crave physical touch... they need more of it... but the effects received by you are no longer enough to meet their need. Where are they going to find the “next drink” or next “intimacy/physical touch” so to say?

This leads to my thoughts for Part II

Part II: On Feeling Loved vs Being Loved

Do you have the emotional requirement to "feel loved" or is it enough, to "be loved?"

Let us go back to the Preface a moment and re-read the rhetorical question: what is love? There is a lot of evidence surrounding what one might think of "love," as a sort of 'chemical imbalance' in the brain. Lol. Dopamine and hormones anyone? I think most of us reading here have seen certain patterns in the relationships of others, if not experienced them ourselves. The excitement of meeting; the spark ---the connection. In the beginning all is well, and this is colloquially referred to as the honeymoon phase. There are other phases of course, I’m sure you know a couple of them. Things often change gradually, not all at once or sometimes even noticeably but none the less, the change is occurring. Have you ever gone to your garden and looked at your plants? Day to day the change is not so noticeable sometimes. Have you ever seen a time-elapsed film of a garden ---everything growing and dying in the span of a minute? You sure do notice that, the change is obvious. So let’s talk about relationships. They are seeded, grow, and die. But on what time frame? And do you know what you are trying to grow?

Can a love endure and grow with the beauty and majesty of the Redwoods? Yes. I’ve seen it. I have also seen love turn into a scraggly unrecognizable bush where the once sweet fruit of it withered on the vine, ultimately becoming a bitter harvest for both gardeners.

So let’s go back to the life cycle; the honeymoon phase ends... and what next? Well life comes next of course, and all that entails, its joys and sorrows; its stresses and problems. The reality of being together starts to settle in. You get to see more sides of this person. Maybe the relationship even escalates at some point. (Moving-in) As time goes by, this garden is really changing. Let’s continue thinking hypothetically. One day he does something that upset you, but... you decide not to say anything. (Communication is shutting down) Another day she starts an argument over what wasn’t really that important before. (Scat-testing) The garden is changing.

One day as a woman, one of your besties calls you and she’s crying. Through the sobs, you hear something like “I just can’t do this anymore... I love him, but...” There are lots of other cliché’s in this corner, stuff like “I love you... but I am not in love with you.” Many men have heard this. I think the only line we men have is, “it’s not you, it’s me.” Hahahaha. You gotta give George Costanza his due.



But stepping back here, back to the train of thought and that phone call... when you hear stuff like this pushed into your ear, you really need to ask: what the hell have you been growing over there? Odds are... that scraggly bush.

The last thought here comes from a quote from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin that I heard forever ago, and I think it’s relevant to this relationship life cycle many have witnessed, and paints love in a context permies will appreciate.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

Now, I want you to find the most important phrase in that passage. Go ahead, find it. I can wait; gotta go get my salad from the fridge and my chicken out of the oven. . . . Alright campers, this is the most important phrase in that passage.

“You have to make a decision.”

Part III: On Decision Making; Germination, Whirlpools... and the Lost Love Language.

I want to “go round’about” here (that’s circle back for you office folks) with some of the concepts I’ve illustrated prior, but first.. I want you to go to your refrigerator or cupboard and take a quick inventory of what is in there.

Yes. If you can, get up out of your chair and leave the monitor for a minute and go take a look at probably a lot of the stuff the CDC would classify as a biohazard. You know, those left overs still sitting in the back of the fridge from four months ago. Lol. I jest in that regard, but I do ask you to come back here with an idea of what is in your refrigerator.

Did you notice all of your decisions... in the refrigerator?

The point I am trying to make is this: not all your decisions are all that noticeable. In the above passage from Corelli’s Mandolin, yes, deciding on whether or not to make “that” decision is huge, and illustrates that decisions vary in gravity; the decision to buy a house or car or leave someone you’ve had a relationship with is very weighty. But what about those twinkies or that 24 pack of beer, the ice cream or those bottles of wine on the counter? Those decisions individually have a lot less gravity, but collectively, they matter.

Now let’s talk about that garden you want to grow and talk about time. Many of us understand what compounding is, especially when it comes to money. Decisions can compound as well; even everyday decisions you do not notice. Let’s talk about love languages and Acts of Service for a moment. I wonder how many are out there who at one point came home frustrated from work one day and thought to themselves as they looked over at the sink, “Well they didn’t wash the dishes, so they ain’t gettin’ none tonight!” (...said no man ever btw...) But back to our example, what if their partners love language is touch? See where I’m going with this? There was a decision there in that moment, and I ask you, did it strengthen the relationship or undermine it?

What other decisions are you making and how are you making them? There are a number of examples I can speak to:

Another example is the company you keep. With whom you keep company is a decision, and an important one though for many it does not register or goes unnoticed. This is not limited to your immediate physical social circle, but applies also to your online social circle (instagram, facebook, etc) But to try and draw an example here, I think we all have had “that friend,” who grabs ya and says let’s go out and have some fun! Fun, well yeah! Who doesn’t like to have it! They are that exciting friend of yours who seems to live life to the fullest, who always has a story --usually a crazy story. They are very entertaining people. The problem comes when you can’t decide where to draw the line with them.

Again, some theoretical examples. So you jump in your buddy’s mustang and hit the town. Fun commences. The night winds down, and you know he’s had a lot to drink. So have you in fact. You know you can’t drive. But your buddy, well, you know he drinks like a fish at the bottom of the ocean so perhaps he is really ok? Make your decision. Do you get in the car cause he looks ok, or do you call a 17 dollar uber? To go further, say this all occurred at a strip club. Your buddy needed to celebrate, whatever. And you decided to go with him for “fun.” You didn’t know at the time this was where he was taking you, but you arrived. And followed him in. You might not have been super comfortable with it, but what did you do? That was a decision. Now say you have a long-term girlfriend. Does your decision strengthen or undermine your relationship with her? What are you growing?

I can do the same example in reverse. As a woman, your girlfriend calls you super excited about her new promotion. Whoohoo! “We’re all getting together, let’s go celebrate!” You think to yourself as your workday nears its end, “well, life has been rather monotonous lately,” so you call your man and tell him the great news and the “girls want you to go out, and I’ll be home late.” So... you head out, happy for her and genuinely wanting to catch up with your friends. Nothing wrong with that. You arrive at this live music dance club, where there’s line dancing... and even a fiddle in the band. You gotta have a fiddle in the band. That lead guitar is hot, but... I digress. (lol Alabama) Then, as you’re walking to the bar, this handsome cowboy grabs your hand and whisks you away to the dance floor with a smile that just makes you follow.

He touched your waist ---and you felt a spark. You haven’t felt that spark in years. You laugh and look up at this six-foot-four gentleman who seems to have walked straight out of a John Wayne movie. The dance ends, and you thank him for the dance but he grabs your hand. You exchange names, then comes the “Hey, what’s your number?”

So you have a decision, give him the number or give him the line: “I have a boyfriend.”

He replies, “Oh – oh, no worries. I just well, I really liked how we moved out there on the dance floor, and I’ve been looking for friends to practice with. A group of us get together every Tuesday night, I well, just thought you might want to join us.”

She thinks to herself: Well... this could be a fun new hobby. Life has been a bit routine. Maybe he just wants to be friends. What does she do? Does she decide to give the number?

We’ll take it one last step. She comes home. What a thrilling night. It was a lot of fun to catch up with those friends and a lot of fun out there dancing. The house is quiet. With just that lone light illuminating the hall she walks by the kitchen, but already she can see. She stands there... in cloths smelling like smoke and sweat, and thinks to herself “Jesus. Jesus Christ.”

She walks into the bedroom and looks down on her man snoring away. “Seven years, Jeremy. It’s been Seven. Years. And you still can’t remember trash night.” Does she decide to pick up a new hubby, er, hobby? lol There is nothing wrong at all with picking up a new hobby. But underneath the decision, what is true reason for the choice. What are you growing?

When I popped off my comment about “Logic” being my love language, it was just the first word that came to mind that night before I was off to bed after reading more about the rocket heaters. So, let’s examine some definitions of logic.

1. Logic is the study of correct reasoning or good arguments...
2. Reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity...
3. Logic is traditionally defined as the study of the laws of thought or correct reasoning...

So, I see it in this context: it's basically the framework or a foundation for thinking, through which reasoned choices/actions can be formed and subsequently enacted through decisions.

Let’s go permie on this.

Let’s think of laws of thought as soil in a garden. What is good soil? What is bad soil? And let’s think of our decisions, as seeds; and the consequences thereof will grow. Are you growing a Redwood or scraggle bush?

Decisions are inseparable from how you live, grow, and die. George Jones sang about it. Listen to this song ( Choices: YouTube - Choices ) and tell me you haven’t made some decisions that haven’t cost you. It might not have been drinking, which it was in his case but, you know what they are.

Let’s talk about soil. If we think of laws of thought as soil in a garden, then I would classify logical thought as good soil and illogical thought as bad soil. Damn. I sound like a green blooded Vulcan. (Star Trek) But this parlays into my next point which is: what were the Vulcans known for besides being logical? Being unemotional. So it is with this brush I will paint “emotional soil” as “illogical soil.”

You need to ask yourself, in what soil are you planting your decision? I guarantee you somethings gonna grow from it... so let it be something beautiful. I’ve seen a lot of folks trade long term happiness for short term happiness, usually due to an unmet psychological need. I’ve seen unnoticeable decisions compound, until they became self-reinforcing. The gravity of compounding decisions can become a black hole, and introduce points of no return in relationships and in health. Whirlpools exist in nature; they are a natural phenomenon; whirlpools can manifest in people as well. We’ve all heard the term “downward spiral.”

Let’s revisit the phone call. One day as a woman, one of your besties calls you and she’s crying. Through the sobs, you hear something like “I just can’t do this anymore... I love him, but...”

Do you know why you got the phone call? She feels the need to make a monumental decision, and the consequences will be huge. She’s phoning a friend in other words to help her make up her mind; and perhaps trying to democratize the responsibility for her decision. It’s always good to get a second opinion. But from what soil does the second opinion grow?

The next ‘well-meaning’ words across the line are something like, “Well, you have to follow your heart...”

And in truth, they may not even be well-meaning words. Not even delving into schadenfreude, however, it’s likely the friend wants no shared responsibility for what is ultimately, the other persons decision. Rightfully so, but the low hanging fruit out of the friend’s mouth is a non-statement (... follow your heart ...) redirecting emotions back into the other persons decision making. This is not a good recipe.

The math always speaks for itself. I regard math as logic in its most pure form, which more often than not tells the truth but not always. Damned statisticians. Those folks can be squirrely bastards. I think many of us have all heard the stats, enough so and from enough sources that we can conclude at minimum half of marriages end.

We need to remember these people loved each other at one point, or at least thought they did. They went through the honeymoon stage, and then the vows which used to be considered sacred. “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer.” They went there and then into the stages beyond with homes and maybe even children.

Going back to Corelli’s Mandolin, and this line:

“Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

What I find stunning is that if we apply it to today, we find that even having children (which I think most would consider really “putting down roots”) is insufficient for a wide swath of people to remain in their relationships. The relationships die.

And when we speak of death, I think most see it as an event ---and not a process. We’ve heard the phrase “death by a thousand cuts.” What about poverty by a thousand small purchases, or obesity by a thousand fast food burgers, or lung cancer by a thousand cigarettes, or a bad liver by a thousand empty bottles of wine. What about divorce ---by a thousand decisions you didn't notice yourself planting?

So, let’s bring this home and try to define the “Logic Love Language.”

We've gone from love languages framed out something like this:

I want/need you to do things for me so I feel loved. (Acts of Service)

To the “Logic Love Language,” which may not be as easily captured in one sentence, but would look something like this:

Though I do not need to “feel loved,” I would like to “be loved” ---and the language between us communicating/expressing this is voiced through keen awareness of our decisions ---and awareness of the soil in which we plant our decisions  ---that they are planted in good soil (logic) and not emotional or illogical soil.

Well, there ya have it campers: The Logic Love Language. Now everyone can see why this Lost Chapter hit the cutting room floor and didn't make it into the book. Hahaha. And why I’m probably single. Lol. But really, I think this will resonate with many folks out there and I think many of us have either experienced or witnessed much of what I’ve written about here. I know I have. I know my friend did. He’s the reason this post exists tonight.

If you read all of this, thank you. I’m sure some don’t agree with some of what I said or may take issue somewhere, but this post was not an invitation for argument. It was just my thoughts... today of all days... a day it did not stop raining.

Thanks Wolfgang for being my friend. You had the most ill-timed atrocious sense of humor of any man I’ve ever known. Damn. You could make us laugh. I hope you have found the peace that you could not find in this world.

Curt

 
Nicole Blank
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Curt, I believe you have honered us today with your words, in taking us on a journey through your contemplations of the age old question "what is love." In sharing with us, in your own style/form of love language, your vulnerable thoughts in this time of sadness and loss.

I feel you have done so in a most elegant manner. Also to be acknowledged this is not a invitation/time, for/to debate, but rather of private contimplation to ourselves, on the words you have shared.

I am truly sorry for your loss, to your friend Wolfgang, gone but not forgotten who inspired this post, here's to you. 🕯️
 
Nicole Blank
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Michele Rose wrote:1. Receiving gifts.- I think I'm the first person to put gifts as my number one so let me explain myself lol.
For me there's an art to gift giving and there's meaning behind it. I don't like buying random things for the sake of getting a person a gift. Likewise I don't like receiving random things. I can actually be hurt sometimes when I open a gift and it's something I don't like. People say " well, it's the thought that counts." But I would say, if you're buying someone something you're not even sure they would like or if you receive something that you have no interest in, then there's barely a thought. And is that really the message I want to send or receive? "You're worth barely a thought. Enjoy your gift." It makes me think the person doesn't know me at all. I'm talking specifically about receiving or giving gifts with someone with which I have a relationship. Obviously if a stranger gave me a gift I didn't like I wouldn't care. But I've never had a stranger give me a gift so that's irrelevant.
I just think there's something special about paying attention to the person you care about so you're able to gift them with something they love. It shows that you care enough to even notice.

2. Words of affirmation. - I think there's a lot of power in the words that we say. I know that for me a kind word, even from a stranger, can turn my whole day around. There have also been times where I've gone through some really tough stuff and someone just said " I'm rooting for you." And even to this day I start to tear up when I think about it because at the time I had a lot of people who weren't rooting for me and wanted to see me fail. Just having that one person say "I hope you win." Was enough to recharge my spirit.

3. Logic. - If I'm ever in a high pressure situation I need my partner to be more logical than emotional or irrational. Someone who is more logical makes me feel safe.

4. Acts of service.

5. Quality time. - I'm an introvert so spending a lot of time with someone is not big on my priorities. I like to know you're there. I just don't always want to be with you 😉.

6. Physical touch. - I don't like being touched. At all. Lol Which is going to be a problem cause I would like to one day have kids. I've never been a hugger, cuddling just makes me feel like I can't get comfortable, getting a massage is a special kind of torture. Yeah, physical touch is definitely last on my love languages list.




Shout out!😃 You are indeed the first person to place Gifts as your #1 answers!

Also I love how you explained yourself lol!😂 And delved into the meaning behind it.

This resonated with me because of an experience my mother had one Christmas. This particular year my family was actually asked what we all would like to receive, side note (never happens) anyway my mother said she would like to receive some new socks, (yes this is the kind of thing my mother asks for.) So the big day arrives and everyone gathers to open gifts. I can't even tell you how excited my mother was to receive her socks, well she opens her gift and low and behold A CROCKPOT!😱 yes you read that correctly, a crockpot! LOL!🤣 you should have seen my mother's face, as she realizes she's not going home with new socks🧦 but rather a crockpot. This ended up being a long running joke in my family, that perhaps she could stand in the crockpot to warm her feet.

Anyway that line you put in there "your worth barely a thought, enjoy your gift" made me flash back to that event and wonder, what kind of thought or message does that send, to specifically ask someone what they would like, then to NOT get it for them, to even spend more on a gift they didn't ask for.

To this day my family has no idea how socks transformed into a crockpot, but we had many laugh's over it, on the way to the store to buy my mother her socks!🧦
 
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Hello,

I just need touch first. Visuals make me cringe, and any loud or heated word has a hard time passing through my shields. A sheer contact on my hands is enough for  goosebumps though.
Second might be sharing the same logic. I especially like being able to complete the other's sentences, and being completed thereafter as a thought exchange.
Written words are a little better than spoken ones as long as they stay just warm, and my current relationship started as a two year long correspondence.
Quality time as a fourth ; though as a highly introverted being, i sometimes consider a peaceful, quiet presence  better than talking, especially when tired.

Gifts, acts of service are irrelevant for me.

Have a nice evening,
Oliver
 
Heather Staas
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Catching up on posts and just a few thoughts:

Love language isn't necessarily what we "need to feel loved" but how we express love, caring, to others and let them know how we feel.    Understanding that it's different for each person has been super helpful and enlightening for me.

Gifts for example.   It's so low for me that I dismissed it from others.   For me,  it's so cliche and easy to toss a token at someone.   Same with words of affirmation.   So what.  Not "real" love, etc lol.   It never occurred to me that for THEM it was a sincere expression of "I am thinking of you and I am giving you this token to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I care."  

I think it's easy to think people that DO have "gifts" at the top of the list are somehow materialistic and I don't think that is it at ALL.   It's a small physical manifestation, something tangible and represents and emotional exchange.   It's lovely really.    But I never got it until learning about love languages.    It doesn't have to be expensive or purchased, more like "it's the thought that REALLY counts" there.   My ex husband, and my youngest nephew are both gift-givers.   It makes them SO happy to pick up something somewhere that made them think of you, and then share it with your,  or mark an occasion with a present.      I hardly ever think about getting gifts except maybe traditional holidays.   But ask for help cleaning and organizing your basement and I'll be there early lol.  

 
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I find that the language of the love relationship varies based upon the type of love.

Agape love with God calls for quality time and words with of affirmation. I need to feel close to God in order for there to be harmony with my other relationships in life. This was much easier as an independent contemplative in my twenties when I spent much of my days into my nights in holy communion. It’s been much more challenging to feel this closeness and to actively pursue this quality time with God now with a family.

In a romantic relationship the language consists of sincere words (written or spoken) as well as acts of service.

With my children I need to express my love for them through touch and quality time. I can’t imagine going a day without hugging and kissing them, though I do accept that this may change as they get older. For now I am savoring our physical affection and the quality time we make as a homeschooling family.

The lifelong difficulty for me is love for myself. My soul is well and contented but my self/ego is far from being comfortable in my skin or perceived as worthy to be here among all of you. None of the above love languages resonate when it comes to extending love for myself. I admit I’ve lived a complex life and my choices are not readily understood by many, but I’ve sacrificed much of myself that I don’t feel I have any of it left. It’s embarrassing when I try to speak to people in a casual way when out in the world. I feel so hollow that nothing that comes out of my mouth has meaning. It’s strange. This public emptiness is not something I could have ever imagined experiencing, but it’s as if I become that which others see and it’s beyond my control. Would this still happen if I loved myself, nurturing instead of depriving? What are your love languages for your own selves?
 
Nicole Blank
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Amaya Engleking wrote:  What are your love languages for your own selves?



That's a very good question, I've been sitting here trying to come up with an answer, still got nothing. I've really never had a moment in life to think about myself, or how I love myself.  

I'm a totally self sacrificing type of person, but how do I love myself? It's a good question.😏 Never thought of that before.
 
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The teacher in me wants to ask, who actually took the quiz to determine the answers?

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

I personally found that my love language responses and outcome varied when I took the quiz as single person thinking in general terms versus when I was in a romantic relationship.

There are also differences in how we express love to others versus how we like it to be expressed.

I haven’t taken the quiz in a long time (it appears that now there are even more assessments) but I encourage those who responded based on what they thought to actually take the quiz because the results might be different.

Lots of love,
 
Steven Rodenberg
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Alana Rose wrote:The teacher in me wants to ask, who actually took the quiz to determine the answers?



I didn"t know there was a quiz.  I'll try It out
 
Jordan Holland
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Like Steven, I didn't even know the 5 Love Languages was a canonized thing, let alone that there was a test for it when I first saw this thread. I guess the student in me wants to ask, "Do I really need a quiz to tell me how I like to be treated?
 
Jordan Holland
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Nicole Blank wrote:

Amaya Engleking wrote:  What are your love languages for your own selves?



That's a very good question, I've been sitting here trying to come up with an answer, still got nothing. I've really never had a moment in life to think about myself, or how I love myself.  

I'm a totally self sacrificing type of person, but how do I love myself? It's a good question.😏 Never thought of that before.



I'm with Nicole, and I believe the reason is that Amaya is going off of the ancient Greek philosophy that there are different types of love. I reject that. I believe there is one Love. Love is the power of creation. It is self-sacrificing, not self-seeking. Society today tells us that we need to "love" ourselves, but I feel what it really means is pride, selfishness, and arrogance. I believe the only way to love oneself is through the love one shows the world. Taking care of one's own needs is simple biology, and without taking care of one's own needs, one cannot love others.
 
Nicole Blank
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Alana, I'm with Jordan as fare as my belief in,

Jordan Holland wrote: "Do I really need a quiz to tell me how I like to be treated?



answer to student, (in my opinion of course) no you do not, niether should you allow yourself to be put in a box, however...they are sometimes good fun!🙂 So I took your quiz! Actually I took it 5 times just to be thorough lol I'm a very good study.

Three out of five my top answer came up Acts of Service, the other two times it was Quality Time, Words of Affirmation was always in the middle, and Physical Touch & Receiving Gifts was always dead last. 😁
 
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