The Sixth Love Language - The Lost Chapter
I can be a bit of a cheeky devil sometimes. Leave it to me to drop a drive by comment a few days ago like “Logic,” then skedaddle. I'll be honest, I haven't read the book so what I write here is just my opinion based on the fuzzy notion of love languages from the original post. I have however heard of the love languages in the past, though, the concept to me always rang of an emotional marketing campaign. And those don't resonate with me. But today of all days... has been a day for contemplation, not only because nearly all day there has been a nonstop downpour of rain, but also because this morning I woke to a phone call and the news of a friend passing. So, all day I have been catching up on indoor chores and doing a lot of thinking when I look out the window at the rain. I'm cobbling this together here and there, so bear with me... it's gonna require some structure in order to formulate my thoughts... but I hope this helps a permi out there.
Definitions & Assumptions
Love Language: Some sort of mutual or reciprocal behavior thought to show love and thus be integral for the success of a long-term/meaningful relationship...
Preface
Love. What is it really? (This is a rhetorical question btw)
Part I: On Psychological Wants/Needs
When I read the original post, this is how I processed it:
The person wants/needs some sort of mutual or reciprocal behavior to feel loved in a long-term/meaningful relationship.... and that behavior had various classifications... such as:
1. Words of affirmation |Interpretation| I want/need you to tell me certain things so I feel loved.
2. Physical touch |Interpretation| I want/need you to touch me so I feel loved.
3. Receiving gifts |Interpretation| I want/need you to buy me things so I feel loved.
4. Quality time |Interpretation| I want/need you to be present with me as much as I require so I feel loved.
5. Acts of service |Interpretation| I want/need you to do things for me so I feel loved.
Inherently, I believe there are two flaws with this dynamic. The first is that your internal state is dependent on something external. When you say to someone, I want/need “X” to feel loved then you are placing the state of you feeling loved on someone else. I think this is not a strong place to be psychologically. In other words, your “feeling loved” depends on someone else’s behavior. The second flaw comes down to reciprocal behavior. Any time something depends upon reciprocity, people start “keeping score.”
Let us now enjoy a short thought experiment about this state of mind. Let us think of psychological needs as... psychological dependencies. I ask, is it too far a leap to go from some of the above statements, for example:
“I want/need you to tell me certain things so I feel loved.”
to something like this:
“My feeling loved, is dependent upon you telling me certain things.”
Generally, when we think of dependency it is viewed through a negative lens. Say in context of an addiction, it might be pills or alcohol or whatever. Going further, what can we notice in those who have a dependency? Usually, it didn’t start out that way. What goes from just “wanting” a drink to relax goes to “needing” a drink because “it was a hellish day at work” to alcohol embedding itself into their life like a tick that just can’t be picked off. What was once a want, became a need, then a dependency. What else do we know about dependency? We know it usually takes more and more for the same effect. It’s a gradual process so you don’t notice it all at once. It sneaks up behind people. It’s not like they just started out drinking a bottle of vodka a day. But one drink a day became two, then two became three and so on because they couldn’t get the same effect out of one drink anymore. During this gradual process, it took/takes more and more of "X" for the physical or psychological need to be met.
Let us now extrapolate this to one of the love languages.
For example, say gift giving is your girls love language and part of her psychological needs. Well, you buy her a cute little trinket when you first meet, after all, you've only been going out a week, but she loves you for it. How soon before she needs another little something, ahem, “fix” to feel loved? She keeps dropping hints about this purse or that dress... and then what... and then what... A year later, you're looking at your credit card bill; holding that nice gold necklace for your anniversary... it was two grand. And then what? Months later your company announces layoffs. And then what?
Another example might be say the need for physical touch. Given this paradigm/parallel between alcoholism, when is something/someone not enough? What happens when “the one drink” begins to lack its effect, or in this particular example, the “intimacy/physical touch” effect has begun to dull or wear off; they still crave physical touch... they need more of it... but the effects received by you are no longer enough to meet their need. Where are they going to find the “next drink” or next “intimacy/physical touch” so to say?
This leads to my thoughts for Part II
Part II: On Feeling Loved vs Being Loved
Do you have the emotional requirement to "feel loved" or is it enough, to "be loved?"
Let us go back to the Preface a moment and re-read the rhetorical question: what is love? There is a lot of evidence surrounding what one might think of "love," as a sort of 'chemical imbalance' in the brain. Lol. Dopamine and hormones anyone? I think most of us reading here have seen certain patterns in the relationships of others, if not experienced them ourselves. The excitement of meeting; the spark ---the connection. In the beginning all is well, and this is colloquially referred to as the honeymoon phase. There are other phases of course, I’m sure you know a couple of them. Things often change gradually, not all at once or sometimes even noticeably but none the less, the change
is occurring. Have you ever gone to your garden and looked at your plants? Day to day the change is not so noticeable sometimes. Have you ever seen a time-elapsed film of a garden ---everything growing and dying in the span of a minute? You sure do notice that, the change is obvious. So let’s talk about relationships. They are seeded, grow, and die. But on what time frame? And do you know what you are trying to grow?
Can a love endure and grow with the beauty and majesty of the Redwoods? Yes. I’ve seen it. I have also seen love turn into a scraggly unrecognizable bush where the once sweet fruit of it withered on the vine, ultimately becoming a bitter harvest for both gardeners.
So let’s go back to the life cycle; the honeymoon phase ends... and what next? Well life comes next of course, and all that entails, its joys and sorrows; its stresses and problems. The reality of being together starts to settle in. You get to see more sides of this person. Maybe the relationship even escalates at some point. (Moving-in) As time goes by, this garden is really changing. Let’s continue thinking hypothetically. One day he does something that upset you, but... you decide not to say anything. (Communication is shutting down) Another day she starts an argument over what wasn’t really that important before. (Scat-testing) The garden
is changing.
One day as a woman, one of your besties calls you and she’s crying. Through the sobs, you hear something like “I just can’t do this anymore... I love him, but...” There are lots of other cliché’s in this corner, stuff like “I love you... but I am not
in love with you.” Many men have heard this. I think the only line we men have is, “it’s not you, it’s me.” Hahahaha. You gotta give George Costanza his due.
But stepping back here, back to the train of thought and that phone call... when you hear stuff like this pushed into your ear, you really need to ask: what the hell have you been growing over there? Odds are... that scraggly bush.
The last thought here comes from a quote from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin that I heard forever ago, and I think it’s relevant to this relationship life cycle many have witnessed, and paints love in a context permies will appreciate.
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
Now, I want you to find the most important phrase in that passage. Go ahead, find it. I can wait; gotta go get my salad from the fridge and my chicken out of the oven. . . . Alright campers, this is the most important phrase in that passage.
“You have to make a decision.”
Part III: On Decision Making; Germination, Whirlpools... and the Lost Love Language.
I want to “go round’about” here (that’s circle back for you office folks) with some of the concepts I’ve illustrated prior, but first.. I want you to go to your refrigerator or cupboard and take a quick inventory of what is in there.
Yes. If you can, get up out of your chair and leave the monitor for a minute and go take a look at probably a lot of the stuff the CDC would classify as a biohazard. You know, those left overs still sitting in the back of the fridge from four months ago. Lol. I jest in that regard, but I do ask you to come back here with an idea of what is in your refrigerator.
Did you notice all of your decisions... in the refrigerator?
The point I am trying to make is this:
not all your decisions are all that noticeable. In the above passage from Corelli’s Mandolin, yes, deciding on whether or not to make “that” decision is huge, and illustrates that decisions vary in gravity; the decision to buy a house or car or leave someone you’ve had a relationship with is very weighty. But what about those twinkies or that 24 pack of beer, the ice cream or those bottles of wine on the counter? Those decisions individually have a lot less gravity, but collectively, they matter.
Now let’s talk about that garden you want to grow and talk about time. Many of us understand what compounding is, especially when it comes to money. Decisions can compound as well; even everyday decisions you do not notice. Let’s talk about love languages and Acts of Service for a moment. I wonder how many are out there who at one point came home frustrated from work one day and thought to themselves as they looked over at the sink, “Well they didn’t wash the dishes, so they ain’t gettin’ none tonight!” (...said no man ever btw...) But back to our example, what if their partners love language is touch? See where I’m going with this? There was a decision there in that moment, and I ask you, did it strengthen the relationship or undermine it?
What other decisions are you making and how are you making them? There are a number of examples I can speak to:
Another example is the company you keep. With whom you keep company is a decision, and an important one though for many it does not register or goes unnoticed. This is not limited to your immediate physical social circle, but applies also to your online social circle (instagram, facebook, etc) But to try and draw an example here, I think we all have had “that friend,” who grabs ya and says let’s go out and have some fun! Fun, well yeah! Who doesn’t like to have it! They are that exciting friend of yours who seems to live life to the fullest, who always has a story --usually a crazy story. They are very entertaining people. The problem comes when you can’t decide where to draw the line with them.
Again, some theoretical examples. So you jump in your buddy’s mustang and hit the town. Fun commences. The night winds down, and you know he’s had a lot to drink. So have you in fact. You know you can’t drive. But your buddy, well, you know he drinks like a fish at the bottom of the ocean so perhaps he is really ok? Make your decision. Do you get in the car cause he looks ok, or do you call a 17 dollar uber? To go further, say this all occurred at a strip club. Your buddy needed to celebrate, whatever. And you decided to go with him for “fun.” You didn’t know at the time this was where he was taking you, but you arrived. And followed him in. You might not have been super comfortable with it, but what did you do? That was a decision. Now say you have a long-term girlfriend. Does your decision strengthen or undermine your relationship with her?
What are you growing?
I can do the same example in reverse. As a woman, your girlfriend calls you super excited about her new promotion. Whoohoo! “We’re all getting together, let’s go celebrate!” You think to yourself as your workday nears its end, “well, life has been rather monotonous lately,” so you call your man and tell him the great news and the “girls want you to go out, and I’ll be home late.” So... you head out, happy for her and genuinely wanting to catch up with your friends. Nothing wrong with that. You arrive at this live music dance club, where there’s line dancing... and even a fiddle in the band. You gotta have a fiddle in the band. That lead guitar is hot, but... I digress. (lol Alabama) Then, as you’re walking to the bar, this handsome cowboy grabs your hand and whisks you away to the dance floor with a smile that just makes you follow.
He touched your waist ---and you felt a
spark. You haven’t felt that spark in years. You laugh and look up at this six-foot-four gentleman who seems to have walked straight out of a John Wayne movie. The dance ends, and you thank him for the dance but he grabs your hand. You exchange names, then comes the “Hey, what’s your number?”
So you have a decision, give him the number or give him the line: “I have a boyfriend.”
He replies, “Oh – oh, no worries. I just well, I really liked how we moved out there on the dance floor, and I’ve been looking for friends to practice with. A group of us get together every Tuesday night, I well, just thought you might want to join us.”
She thinks to herself: Well... this could be a fun new hobby. Life has been a bit routine. Maybe he just wants to be friends. What does she do? Does she decide to give the number?
We’ll take it one last step. She comes home. What a thrilling night. It was a lot of fun to catch up with those friends and a lot of fun out there dancing. The house is quiet. With just that lone light illuminating the hall she walks by the kitchen, but already she can see. She stands there... in cloths smelling like smoke and sweat, and thinks to herself “Jesus. Jesus Christ.”
She walks into the bedroom and looks down on her man snoring away. “Seven years, Jeremy. It’s been Seven. Years. And you still can’t remember trash night.” Does she decide to pick up a new hubby, er, hobby? lol There is nothing wrong at all with picking up a new hobby. But underneath the decision, what is true reason for the choice.
What are you growing?
When I popped off my comment about “Logic” being my love language, it was just the first word that came to mind that night before I was off to bed after reading more about the rocket heaters. So, let’s examine some definitions of logic.
1. Logic is the study of correct reasoning or good arguments...
2. Reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity...
3. Logic is traditionally defined as the study of the laws of thought or correct reasoning...
So, I see it in this context: it's basically the framework or a foundation for thinking, through which reasoned choices/actions can be formed and subsequently enacted through decisions.
Let’s go permie on this.
Let’s think of laws of thought as soil in a garden. What is good soil? What is bad soil? And let’s think of our decisions, as seeds; and the consequences thereof will grow. Are you growing a Redwood or scraggle bush?
Decisions are inseparable from how you live, grow, and die. George Jones sang about it. Listen to this song ( Choices:
YouTube - Choices ) and tell me you haven’t made some decisions that haven’t cost you. It might not have been drinking, which it was in his case but, you know what they are.
Let’s talk about soil. If we think of laws of thought as soil in a garden, then I would classify logical thought as good soil and illogical thought as bad soil. Damn. I sound like a green blooded Vulcan. (Star Trek) But this parlays into my next point which is: what were the Vulcans known for besides being logical? Being unemotional. So it is with this brush I will paint “emotional soil” as “illogical soil.”
You need to ask yourself, in what soil are you planting your decision?
I guarantee you somethings gonna grow from it... so let it be something beautiful. I’ve seen a lot of folks trade long term happiness for short term happiness, usually due to an unmet psychological need. I’ve seen unnoticeable decisions compound, until they became self-reinforcing. The gravity of compounding decisions can become a black hole, and introduce points of no return in relationships and in health. Whirlpools exist in nature; they are a natural phenomenon; whirlpools can manifest in people as well. We’ve all heard the term “downward spiral.”
Let’s revisit the phone call. One day as a woman, one of your besties calls you and she’s crying. Through the sobs, you hear something like “I just can’t do this anymore... I love him, but...”
Do you know why you got the phone call? She feels the need to make a monumental decision, and the consequences will be huge. She’s phoning a friend in other words to help her make up her mind; and perhaps trying to democratize the responsibility for her decision. It’s always good to get a second opinion. But from what soil does the second opinion grow?
The next ‘well-meaning’ words across the line are something like, “Well, you have to follow your heart...”
And in truth, they may not even be well-meaning words. Not even delving into schadenfreude, however, it’s likely the friend wants no shared responsibility for what is ultimately, the other persons decision. Rightfully so, but the low hanging fruit out of the friend’s mouth is a non-statement (... follow your heart ...) redirecting emotions back into the other persons decision making. This is not a good recipe.
The math always speaks for itself. I regard math as logic in its most pure form, which more often than not tells the truth but not always. Damned statisticians. Those folks can be squirrely bastards. I think many of us have all heard the stats, enough so and from enough sources that we can conclude at
minimum half of marriages end.
We need to remember these people loved each other at one point, or at least thought they did. They went through the honeymoon stage, and then the vows which used to be considered sacred. “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer.” They went there and then into the stages beyond with homes and maybe even children.
Going back to Corelli’s Mandolin, and this line:
“Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
What I find stunning is that if we apply it to today, we find that even having children (which I think most would consider really “putting down roots”) is insufficient for a wide swath of people to remain in their relationships. The relationships die.
And when we speak of death, I think most see it as an event ---and not a process. We’ve heard the phrase “death by a thousand cuts.” What about poverty by a thousand small purchases, or obesity by a thousand fast food burgers, or lung cancer by a thousand cigarettes, or a bad liver by a thousand empty bottles of wine. What about divorce ---by a thousand decisions you didn't notice yourself planting?
So, let’s bring this home and try to define the “Logic Love Language.”
We've gone from love languages framed out something like this:
I want/need you to do things for me so I feel loved. (Acts of Service)
To the “Logic Love Language,” which may not be as easily captured in one sentence, but would look something like this:
Though I do not need to “feel loved,” I would like to “be loved” ---and the language between us communicating/expressing this is voiced through keen awareness of our decisions ---and awareness of the soil in which we plant our decisions ---that they are planted in good soil (logic) and not emotional or illogical soil.
Well, there ya have it campers: The Logic Love Language. Now everyone can see why this Lost Chapter hit the cutting room floor and didn't make it into the book. Hahaha. And why I’m probably single. Lol. But really, I think this will resonate with many folks out there and I think many of us have either experienced or witnessed much of what I’ve written about here. I know I have. I know my friend did. He’s the reason this post exists tonight.
If you read all of this, thank you. I’m sure some don’t agree with some of what I said or may take issue somewhere, but this post was not an invitation for argument. It was just my thoughts... today of all days... a day it did not stop raining.
Thanks Wolfgang for being my friend. You had the most ill-timed atrocious sense of humor of any man I’ve ever known. Damn. You could make us laugh. I hope you have found the peace that you could not find in this world.
Curt
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