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for the mechanically declined......

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,
“Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.
The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?”

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says,
“I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?

Exasperated, Joe answers, “The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.

“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did…

(Click Here)...

maybe you'll like this one... Butch, the Old Rooster

​Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

the jog strap

(3 likes, 1 apple)

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'


ARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase that is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

(Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks .
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a pretty blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"


Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.


Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

When Hillary Clinton was in the White House, why did she always have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

So she could be the first lady.
(1 like)
The Pope was having a stressful time so he decided he would take a trip to Maine. Traveling through Millinockett on his way to see Baxter State Park he saw two men festooned with LL Bean boots, Cabela jackets and scarfs around their necks waving frantically from just inside the woods line. Suddenly a big black bear came out of the woods and started to rush at the two men, but then two men in plaid, black loggers boots and baseball caps came out of nowhere, leveled their rifles and shot the bear.

Amazed that he saw heroism in action, he stopped his Popemobile and ran over and blessed the two Maine hunters for their heroics.

After the Pope had gone, one Mainer looked at the other quite perplexed. "What are we going to do now", the man said to the other. "Having been blessed we cannot rightfully use these two guys as bear bait any more?"

"Well", the other said, "We'll just have to go to Massachusetts and get us two more liberals."
(10 likes, 1 apple)
The science of Pie...
Everyone seems to like the chicken jokes. So the farmer gets a new rooster. New rooster walks up to the old rooster and says "Bad news, buddy. I'm in you're out."

Old rooter says "I know that's the plan, but I still have what it takes. I challenge you to a race!"

New rooster "A race? Sure, whatever. I'm gonna kick your ass."

Old rooster "Well to be fair, would you be willing to give me a teensy head start? We'll go three times around the henhouse."

New rooster "It's not going to make a difference, so sure."

Old rooster starts around the coop. After he goes halfway, the new rooster starts after him. He is quickly catching up, almost even.

Then BLAM, feathers everywhere. Farmer Joe puts his shotgun down and says:

"I am not gonna pay for any more gay roosters from that place..."
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
    One seventy-five year old woman says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”
    An eighty year old woman says, “My case is worse. I wake up at eight and sit there and grunt and groan for a half hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
    The ninety year old woman says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight poop like a cow.”
    “So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
    “I don’t wake up till nine!”
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’

So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’
When my parents got divorced, they had a huge battle over who would have custody of me.  

Mom won that battle... so I had to go live with my dad.
Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

(don't know where I got that joke from, it might even be this thread)
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
The worst part of going to church when I was young was that I could never understand why I had to stand, then kneel , then sit, then kneel , then stand again.  

It wasn't until I was older that I came to see that switching positions makes you last longer.  
What did mommy sheep say to baby sheep?  

It's pasture bedtime.
I can't remember where this joke comes from, but it always cracks me up.
(6 likes, 1 apple)
A talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, then he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up."
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice who was willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told. He’s now the new village blacksmith.
Three permies walk into a drum circle...

what were we talking about?
Ask someone "What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?" then leave.

i don't know if this has been posted before

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

one looks up your family tree
the other looks up your family bush

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(3 likes, 1 apple)
Found these on a friend's Facebook page and they cracked me up! (There was no source cited, so I don't have that.)

batman text messages
Kilkenny or kill kenny?
trust me I'm an engineer
A joke I heard on a Robin Williams movie:

A woman hears on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway. She calls her husband to warn him. He responds - one? There are hundreds!
(1 like)

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.


Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"
Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."
"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."
The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."
The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says, "I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother fuckers are all right!"

(1 like)
Uh oh, we're definitely being carded. Here, show him this tiny ad:
Control Garden Pests without Toxic Chemicals

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