POST 135 (DAY 142, Wednesday, 2020.12.30)
.. they said its a revealing of my own flaws.. and THAT is why it bothers me so much.. these flaws we see in others--the things that trigger my bother-button.. if life happens FOR me and not TO me, then it must be concluded that i'll look back someday with gratitude, and not resentment.. am i a tree with bitter fruit, or sweet?.. am i done growing, or do i have more stretching to do?.. in other words, the flaws in others show me my comfort zone--the types of behavior that i'm willing to live with; anything outside of these types of behavior patterns are uncomfortably annoying.. that's not very inclusive though.. seem rather exclusive in fact.. and non-accepting.. yet these inclinations are revealed, discovered, uncovered.. what IS my true character?.. am i victim or victor?.. do i fold or overcome?.. tough times pass; but the tough keep going..
.. i had a dream this morning.. woke up angry and kind of depressed.. i was in a room with the door closed.. it was a double door, with a faulty hinge on one side.. so even though i locked it, anyone could simply wiggle it open from the outside or the inside.. in the middle of what i was really enjoying, my father barges in.. he's enthused about something, and insistent on hanging out with me RIGHT THIS MOMENT.. with an acoustic guitar in his hand and a big dumb grin on his face.. as if to say "wanna play together??".. being the scrooge that i sometimes am, i ask, "i'm busy, can it wait?".. he insists and calls me his best friend.. at this point in my dream, i'm flabbergasted by the inconsiderate nature of this best friend.. that's when my friend from the burrito restaurant pops into the room and asks, "does a best friend interrupt lifestyle in this way??" standing in my defense.. thank you, burrito man.. in the heat of this butting of lifestyle-horns, i awake.. maybe i am too comfortable?
.. i'm grateful for where i am today.. but maybe i am much too comfortable.. is my "father" cramping my lifestyle?.. odd.. i think i get the interpretation though.. i'm angry about something, somewhere deep inside.. and i wish to figure it out.. so i can find peace about the very thing that makes me so heated.. in the meantime, my will to live and procreate are at near all time low.. just kidding.. kinda? Haha.. alas I am not my feelings nor my thoughts.. So we row on.. one row at a time ..
POST 138 (DAY 145, Saturday, 2021.1.2)
.. yesterday was another half-holiday.. i must have watched a total of about 3-4 hours of television/video entertainment.. in fact, there was probably an average of about 2 hours of video each day since monday.. this means i didnt rest much.. i knew this could mean trouble for me, and yet i did it anyway.. you know how sometimes you know you're done eating, but the food still looks good, and then moments later there you are rolling around on the floor because sitting or standing are just too uncomfortable?--what a silly, twisted game, and yet every once in a while i need a reminder.. its kind of like that.. during month 1, i was very certain that my maximum "play" time each day was somewhere around 1 hour, and the rest of it would be working or sleeping or eating.. i knew this because that's the system i had set up for myself while living in the city.. that system served me and worked for me very well.. i lived alone.. living in community, i seem to be picking up small habits here and there, from those around me.. this isn't my first rodeo so to speak, so i know that in short time, i will create and adapt to a new system of routine that serves me and fits my new environment..
.. this morning and yesterday morning i had trouble getting out of bed.. a red flag in my book, that i'm not going to bed early enough.. this week and next week, i'm the sole boot in bootcamp.. its funny how i no longer hear the thoughts of blaming other in my head when no one else is around to blame.. instead if i see a stain on the counter or a homegood out of place, i ask, "DID I DO THAT??" (like steve urk3l).. and then move along with my day.. oh Blame--what a fickle, unproductive pursuit.. i'm so glad i have this chance to reflect on how living in community reveals aspects of my own true nature that otherwise would remain hidden and safe from critique or assessment.. speaking of which..
.. WELLNESS ASSESSMENT: my fingers are sore from peeling logs.. im glad its a day of rest today, and next week i shall spread out the wielding of the spud stick to allow sufficient rest for these to tired digits.. emotionally/spiritually i'm so grateful and satisfied with each day.. i know i wrote about not having much will to live or procreate in a recent entry, but not to worry.. i'm here to realize something greater than one person can build alone, and my raw truths must be faced, explored, and tested if im going to give my dreams a fair chance, even if i'm somewhat fearful.. ignoring or denying my feelings would be perhaps a greater mistake (i've been down that road before also)..
POST 139 (DAY 146, Sunday, 2021.1.3)
.. todays RMH fire spun the second fan.. so there are two heat-powered fans that are placed on top of the RMH barrel to add convective heat flow to the room (you seen these on top of woodfire stoves possibly).. one of the fans spins up first because its newer or better lubricated.. the second fan only spins when the barrel gets hotter than a certain point.. this is likely an accidental feature of this two-fan set up, but i use it to estimate if the barrel is simply hot, or EXTRA hot.. the goal being to get it extra hot.. in many cases, i havent been able to spin the second fan very well, but today's fire was a little different.. i "choked" the intake port at the top of the feed tube by about half (something i was not trying because i thought it had to be very open, because i think someone told me that early on? maybe i'm making this up? anywho).. turns out this is fine.. in fact, its kind of good because then the flames get sucked down, and the burn is nice and slow.. the barrel gets extra hot, so the second fan spins nicely.. less wood is burned to heat the same amount of temperature~!!!.. finally, i feel like i'm getting closer to a super-efficient burn~!.. its exciting..
POST 140 (DAY 147, Monday, 2021.1.4)
.. late start this morning.. for me, sleep is recovery time.. increased physical labor means increased recovery time.. last week, i missed a few hours of recovery time, so this week i must make it up, by going to bed around 730 each night.. everything else can wait, because my wellness is first priority.. i dont do caffeine (except on occasion), so my main source of focus and energy are diet, exercise and sleep..
POST 141 (DAY 148, Tuesday, 2021.1.5)
.. its taco tuesday, but i forgot.. so we did not have tacos.. not sure how i feel about that..
.. overall it was a great day.. i wrestled some big logs out of the lower paddock and over to the sawmill, using the tractor machine.. who knew i would be wielding such a contraption ever in my lifetime?..
.. maybe i'll time to update you on this tomorrow.. maybe not.. today was a blur.. i mean--i didnt even have time for my morning entry~!.. so here i am, last minute, squeezing in a quickie.. strangely unsatisfactory.. strange..