How to Enjoy What You Have

My nearly centenarian grandmother naturally grew up during the Depression and WW2.  Maybe it's that, maybe it's her personality, maybe it's both--but she is  masterful at what positive psychology calls "savoring." When she gets something as a gift, she thanks the giver with such deep gratitude and enthusiasm, you feel like you were given a gift; and she uses her gifts with such a spirit of attentive enjoyment, that she gets the very most out of every object that she owns. Enjoyment and appreciation is ongoing and regular. This legendary quality of hers is one of the things about her that I love the most, and every day I wish that some of this had come down to me with her DNA.

Since it didn't, I instead wish that someone in positive psychology or philosophy or a really happy Permie would write a book on the secrets of really enjoying the things in your life. I think that truly enjoying is a lost art; in my culture we are always rushing out to buy new things, and shopping is the primary form of recreation for women my age; thinking purchases will make us happy, we snap them up--but don't know how to enjoy the things that we buy once we have bought them. (The thrift stores nowadays are filled with brand new things more and more, compared to when I was a child several decades ago when thrift stores were second-hand goods!!!) We are chasing things that we don't even know how to enjoy when we have captured them.

Who's gonna write the book-- instruction manual--on how to extract the most enjoyment out of every possession and each experience we have in life?

I think that approach, that perception, is wise.

I've heard it said that, from a global perspective, even those of us in the first world who are poor and facing tough times are still in the top 1% of humans when it comes to opportunity and education and access-to-resources and health. Yep, we're all 1-percenters.

I'm not convinced that's the whole story (too simple), and I would never disparage the genuine hardships people face. But I find that it gives me some personal perspective on what I have, and what I really need, and how I might shape my perception more wisely.

I'm not about to write a book on the subject, but wonder if the notion of being in the now and savouring the moment is what is missing for most people. There are so many pressures on us, thinking and planning what comes next that we lose the now, when that is all we ever actually have.

Ha, too funny…

Working on the book now even before I read this. I had an inspiration that was along these lines.

I have lived a Job-of-the-Bible life unfortunately, but it has also shaped me into the empathetic person that I am and feel I can converse with people on so many lows in life whether it being in burying dead children, to having cancer, to divorce and other incredible personal loses. For that reason I wrote a 4 year farm memoir of all that, but in the middle of it; finding the good of the world.

So a non-fiction book has been done.

But I also write fiction novels and have started one about two Permie couples on separate farms who battle loss, guilt and a world dead set against alternative farming on their way to acceptance of each other and previous losses.

That is to be written, but in the works.

So yes; I have already written the book/am literally working on the book.

Great minds think alike

my mother in law is a similar soul, and someone I want to emulate. It seems, from what I know, that what teaches this amazing ability is adversity. Not everyone who suffers gets it, but some do.

For those of us who are lucky enough to not be suffering, just "being here now" is a good start. It's harder than it looks!

(i'll also say as someone who grew up in the US, left, moved to the developing world, but goes back on a regular basis: in America you are programmed to CONSUME [and correspondingly want, crave, seek reward, etc], I personally find it overwhelming. usually after a few days i've had enough, just being bombarded with such messaging.)

My partner and I have spent the last four years living on and developing an off-grid property from scratch with almost no contracted labor (we hired an excavator for homesite clearing/prep and had a crew pour and hand finish our slab).  It's been hardship squared, with many abysmal lows, but also incredible highs. I expected the lows and hoped for the highs. What I did not expect was the way my perception and sense of joy and gratitude changed along the way.

At some point, happiness and gratitude were no longer difficult or fleeting things I strived for, instead they became involuntary and unavoidable presences in my world. After so long with no hot running water, that first bath (and every one that has since followed) was a torrent of bliss. When the birds finally came back after a winter without them, and they were all atwitter in the trees, and the sun came out, too? Complete, beautiful overwhelm. Even a cup of tea by the fire feels precious beyond measure. I wondered fleetingly if there was something in my food or water that was different- even colors looked brighter.

And then it suddenly all seemed so simple. My solution to the Spiritual Blahs, my Happiness Handbook, is this:
1. Attempt something really difficult. Not necessarily hand-building a home in the wilderness, but something with a high level of challenge and probability of failure(s) along the way. It cannot be accomplished in a day. It is your Hero's Quest.
2. Get way out of your comfort zone. Struggle, suffer, fail, flail.
3. Feel the hurt when you stumble. Feel it all. The light will blaze in through the cracks, with a ferocity you wouldn't believe.

Rio Rose wrote:My partner and I have spent the last four years living on and developing an off-grid property from scratch with almost no contracted labor (we hired an excavator for homesite clearing/prep and had a crew pour and hand finish our slab).  It's been hardship squared, with many abysmal lows, but also incredible highs. I expected the lows and hoped for the highs. What I did not expect was the way my perception and sense of joy and gratitude changed along the way.

At some point, happiness and gratitude were no longer difficult or fleeting things I strived for, instead they became involuntary and unavoidable presences in my world. After so long with no hot running water, that first bath (and every one that has since followed) was a torrent of bliss. When the birds finally came back after a winter without them, and they were all atwitter in the trees, and the sun came out, too? Complete, beautiful overwhelm. Even a cup of tea by the fire feels precious beyond measure. I wondered fleetingly if there was something in my food or water that was different- even colors looked brighter.

And then it suddenly all seemed so simple. My solution to the Spiritual Blahs, my Happiness Handbook, is this:
1. Attempt something really difficult. Not necessarily hand-building a home in the wilderness, but something with a high level of challenge and probability of failure(s) along the way. It cannot be accomplished in a day. It is your Hero's Quest.
2. Get way out of your comfort zone. Struggle, suffer, fail, flail.
3. Feel the hurt when you stumble. Feel it all. The light will blaze in through the cracks, with a ferocity you wouldn't believe.

Rio did you ever think of writing a book? I find your words inspiring.

I'm happy with what I have because I only have things I'm happy with. I'm very picky about what I bring home and brutal about getting rid of things I already have - although my husband likes to thwart me in that latter pastime. It's probably easier for me than others because I hate shopping. It's tedious and time consuming, 90% of the stuff is garbage, and I have to pay to do it? No thanks.

I appreciate the gesture when people give me gifts (unless it's one of those generic, junky, just buying something cause I'm supposed to gifts), but I'm not sentimental about the gifts themselves. I get rid of anything I wouldn't buy for myself. Most people know not to buy my anything anymore, which is great.

My husband and I started life on our property in a tent, so any time there's a storm or it rains for four days straight, we like to reminisce about how shitty the tent was (frost on the inside walls in the morning, wearing tuques and two pairs of socks to bed, putting on damp clothes in the morning) and compare how great having a house is. So you can think about things you've had to put up with in the past and compare with how much better things are now.

You can compare your circumstances to those of other people's, but think about what they put up with, rather than what they have that you don't. We have very minimal solar power, just enough to keep our devices charged and run an LED for a few hours. But we're used to it, and don't really miss most electric conveniences. When the power goes out in town and everyone at work is talking about pipes freezing or freezers thawing or not being able to do x, y, or z, we get to smile and say, "Yeah, not something we have to deal with."

I don't think you should always be happy with what you have, though. I know a woman who's always positive and happy with what she has. I'm very glad I haven't had her life, though. Her husband is kind of a dud of a human. He's verbally abusive to her and a complete child as far as looking after himself goes. Their now adult kids have issues because of him and are blind to many toxic relationship traits because they grew up thinking they were normal.  Whenever this woman hears someone complain she says, "Well, things could always be worse." I hate that saying. Yeah, things can always be worse. They can also always be better.

I didn't notice Rose's response when I posted. She describes it much better than I.

Tereza Okava wrote:
(i'll also say as someone who grew up in the US, left, moved to the developing world, but goes back on a regular basis: in America you are programmed to CONSUME [and correspondingly want, crave, seek reward, etc], I personally find it overwhelming. usually after a few days i've had enough, just being bombarded with such messaging.)

This is what I hear from lots of US American expats - once outside the US, they realize that so much of the society revolves around consume.

Overall the situation is a bit less dramatic here in Germany, I would say. There are some people that highly depend on status symbols but many feel sorry for them, like they have to overcompensate some inferiority complex. Those people don't have a high standing among many adults but are rather teen idols, like rappers, dumb celebrities etc.

But it also depends a lot in which bubble you move. After I quit my job in IT, got kids and moved to the outskirts of the city it felt very strange to meet my former colleagues again who were wearing clothes that were "in fashion", talked about making a trip to NYC or save up to get an "overhaul" at the beautician.
It made me realize how freeing it is to have no interest in extravagant fashion, cars, trips, accessories etc. And I am happy that people around where I live are quite relaxed about their lives as well. No keeping up with the Joneses around here, more about real friendships and emotions.
Also, age helps. I have lived and seen so much that I really get to appreciate the true pleasures and gifts, which money can't buy! A lot of the time I am in a real Zen mode and can't be worried (truth to be said, we have financial safety and little to worry).

Hi.
I think Rio Rose gives the clues to the question: We don't know what we have until we lose it.

Or, in another words: We don't appreciate things until we miss them.

He he, sorry.


So, Anita's mother knew what was to live without anything; she came to learn it the hard way. Rio learned it too from a self-made challenge. Children are constantly loved and cared by their parents, but it's only once they've gone away home that they learn how much their parents loved them. Meanwhile don't expect gratitude from your children.

I think it's just a supply-demand thing in the end. I remember what sweet ripe fruit tastes and I can't find it in shops, that's why I miss it so much, that's why I value it so much when a friend gifts some fruit to me that is not meant for sale: I want it but I can't have it usually, due to low supply. In contrast, my boy now prefers 'crunchy' fruit because that's what he usually eats and he does not care about 'gelly' fruit. Give a real plum to him, he won't value it: demand is low compared to supply.
Once you know how high can be the value of what you are given, expressing gratitude about it becomes easier. You don't feel entitled to have it, it's not your right to have, you didn't do anything to deserve it, it was simply an act of love from a friend (maybe this friend is looking for some reciprocity, but it's still love).
Expressing gratitude, as you clearly showed, is not only saying 'thanks', but truly enjoying and making good use of what you were given. You can't fake enjoyment from a gift you don't value.

That said, I wish my relatives stopped gifting me cologne sets...

Abraham, you hit on something that made me think a lot.

One way of training appreciation is not having the thing, and permies may have an advantage.
As a young person I moved from a place where life was essentially the same across the year (we ate the same foods, did the same things all year round) to a culture that changed greatly depending on the season. I may have lived in a concrete jungle but I could tell by what was on the lunch menu, clothes people wore, and other season-related cultural clues what time of year it was. I remember early on asking about where to buy tangerines and the person saying "you can only get them in winter! Are you nuts?" I had never realized things weren't just available all the time.
I learned to anticipate and to appreciate. Now, I am thrilled to get the first plum in summer, and the first tangerine in the winter, and I never buy things out of season (they're never as good as you want them to be). I don't go nuts to get imported things here either-- when I'm abroad I'll drink root beer, or eat local cheese or sweet corn or Spencer apples, and I'll appreciate them even more. It's a habit I'm glad I learned, I think honoring the seasons is what brought me to gardening and working with nature, and as I get older I think it sort of spills over into everything else.

I also admire people who have the ability to really savor so much of their daily life. I have the ideal and sometimes I can strike the right chord, but I have so much drive to do and act that it does get in the way of slowing down.

Honestly the best way I've found to slow down and focus was my 2022 new years resolution: Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.

It's amazing how much that one point of focus has helped me to shift my entire pace of life and outlook.


Touching on what other people have mentioned about appreciating things more after feeling their absence. I have found that going on a long walk - over 2 hours, half a day or more if possible, can instill a miniature version of this feeling. Food tastes better, water is a luxury, resting on a chair is heavenly.

With items and gifts I try my best to think of items as having almost a spirit of their own. Certainly they want a home to live in that suits them, where they will be needed and cherished. So if I cannot give them that home then I try to find them a new one. I dislike giving gifts that will not be cherished, so this is always on my mind when there are items changing hands.

Rachel, your grandmother was a very wise woman and to be commended for her positive thinking.

Rachel said, "Since it didn't, I instead wish that someone in positive psychology or philosophy or a really happy Permie would write a book on the secrets of really enjoying the things in your life.

Someone, actually several someone's have written books on this subject.

My favorite is "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale.

His wife, Ruth Stafford Peale also wrote a book "The Adventure of Being a Wife" based on her and her husband's philosophy of positive thinking.

Another author, Napoleon Hill wrote "Think and Grow Rich", a book that is credited to have influenced more people into success than anyone in history.

For folks who are having problems achieving success with positive thinking, I would recommend the books by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  My favorite is "Your Erroneous Zones" and "Pulling your own Strings"

His website which I just found has a "Daily Inspiration":

https://www.drwaynedyer.com/

Well, someone did write a book that was made into a movie along these line.  The ending which was pretty good advice.   In the beginning of the movie you wonder if they will get to the point but it all comes together.   "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a #@&$".  I think the title should be changed.  It does mention the views of people that lived through war and the holocaust.  

Secondly, I can't help but to be grateful for this life when I look at what God has given us.  My husband and I have been through ruff times and situations over the years. With our faith we have become the diamonds mentioned in movie.    

"Who's gonna write the book-- instruction manual--on how to extract the most enjoyment out of every possession and each experience we have in life?"

"If you would be happy" by Ruth Stout is EXACTLY what you describe

This thread is very meaningful for me. Three years ago, my body essentially collapsed and I was forced to slooow dooown. I don't think I was a workaholic but I always had to be doing something. It was hard for me to accept that I didn't have a choice anymore.  Living with chronic fatigue and pain isn't something I'm good at, but ironically, it has allowed me to do more things than I could have ever done when I was working full time. I had time to devote to my farm, started breeding goats, started making cheese and soap....

My house is never clean enough anymore, and that irritates me but I'm learning to accept some limitations. Others, I'm still fighting furiously, but small steps, right?  I'm constantly having to assign priorities based on my probable energy levels and often, things don't get done when I want them to, or, I have to ask for help from people that already work hard enough and I hate that. But--to get back to the theme of this--I love love love what I've managed to accomplish so far. I managed to pare down a lot of "stuff". I still have a lot of crap, lol, but it's stuff that I use and/or has value to me.  As my body continues to deteriorate, I continue to find joy in the things I can still produce.

I can look at my messy garden in winter and feel appreciation for what is coming in the spring, even if it's not going to be picture perfect. I can look at my endless list of "to do" items and feel grateful that I actually have what I want and the list is just my reminder to care for it all. I feel cherished by the people that help me do things I used to take for granted, things that someone without my support structure would have to give up. Mostly, I feel spoiled by life, God, the universe, and everything!

source

The philosophy of happiness was written by Epicurus already. Sadly most of his 300 written works have been lost to the ages. As well as most of the works of his successors. But epicureanism used to be a major school of philosophy during the Roman and Greek ages. With a few resurgences during the Renaissance and enlightenment eras. In fact Thomas Jefferson was a self proclaimed Epicurean. Worth a look if your interested.

Here's a link to a book review of an easier to read look at epicurean philosophy for anyone that's interested.
https://societyofepicurus.com/living-for-pleasure-a-book-review/

I think too there is a bit of a grieving process to be fully contented. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it really is not.

A few years ago I got brain cancer, and there are some lasting effects even though it seems to be at the managed stage today. I just don't have the stamina I had, and do not get the things done I once did. It took a while to really work through that with all the grieving elements like:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

But if grief sounds odd, it really should not; a huge part of me died, no different than going through divorce where a huge part of a person's dreams or hopes also dies, even if that spouse did not do so physically.

Once a person gets to acceptance, then enjoying what you do have becomes a lot easier. I just wish people would be more understanding as a person goes through all five of those grief stages.

I have gotten rid of a lot of my irritability/anger by #1 changing my (health forced) retirement to “ thank goodness I got out in time”. #2 when someone cuts me off on the freeway to “ oh thankyou for leaving me that whole 2 feet”.  #3 instead of “Squirrel Stew! You hear me!” now it’s “Oh you guys are so cute, have some nuts instead of my edible bulbs.” Okay, that one was hard.etc etc etc. Reframing, a permaculture value

My grandmother was the same way, Rachel. She grew up in an era where they didn't have much, but appreciated everything they had. She never 'bought' into consumerism, and so she valued and CHERISHED so much the few things she had and was given. I think you hit the nail on the head in your second paragraph where you talked about how we are flooded by so many things that we give little value to what we have.

I believe to go back to that way of living, we need to go back to a simpler lifestyle, have fewer things, and don't look to consumerism, or 'shopping therapy' to make us happy.

There is a school of being called 'Zen Living' which focuses more on living in the present moment. Things like "Do one thing at a time; give it your full attention. Do it slowly, deliberately, and completely. Do less. Put space between things." It's being totally present to live and not depending on an influx of new 'stuff' to try and make us happy.