Creating work/life balance, metering/nurturing energy.... how? a kind of “spoons” question

If all goes according to plan, soon I'll take on a worky job to help my husband and I reach our goals. I've worked seasonally several times during our marriage; this time will hopefully be more long-term. I'm excited about that, because I have many non-worky Life Quests! Staying put for longer than usual (years, even?) just might give me the opportunity to start some of those quests.

I know myself: I tend to over-achieve, seek perfection, and people-please. That results in overworking: putting so much into my day that all I have energy for when I come home is recovery, basic self-care (eating, bathing, sleep), and prepping for the next work day. I get results, but the personal cost is high.

Can you help me, in the form of ideas and shared anecdotal experience?
How do you pace yourself while at work? What has your experience been in metering your “spoons” any given day? How do you have energy to come home, fix supper, spend time on whatever else you want, and still take care of yourself, too?
I guess the question is a two-parter. Part A is the abstract mindset/philosophy side, and Part B is the practical tips/tools method side.

For instance, I would love to be able to come home feeling worked but not exhausted, get supper ready*, reconnect with my husband, spend time on one or two projects, have time to relax/take care of myself, then go to sleep satisfied I've made progress (no matter how incremental), and knowing I'll have energy to do it all again tomorrow.
*My husband's an amazing support – I wouldn't actually need to fix supper. But I'd like to have enough energy left over to do that if I wanted to.

Some Permies resources I've already found that mention work-life balance:
This Permies thread is about permie/work balance.
This Permies thread explores how we are at work vs how we are at home.
This All Around Growth podcast episode from this Permies thread (I haven't listened to this yet)
This Very Important Podcast (a milestone?) has an insightful bit from Jocelyn. I'll quote the pertinent bit of Julia Winter's excellent summary:

Jocelyn notes that she and Paul are both still working their full time computer jobs, along with trying to manage things at the lab. Both of them have “workaholic tendencies” and she’s working on getting better work/life balance. Jocelyn is trying to get Paul back to doing more creative things, more soul-fulfilling things. Still, she used to think, in her 20’s, that she could fix all her flaws with enough therapy and enough effort. She’s learning to accept the fact that everyone is flawed.

Some tools already in my off-season life kit, which I use to varying degrees:

get daily physical activity, at least 30 minutes 6 days/week (this does amazing things to increase my energy capacity

use a modified version of this housecleaning schedule

get regular nature/outside time

eat the best quality, simplest food available to me

use planners/journals to structure schedule and record memories

get the best sleep I can (this one needs work)

What specific mindset/philosophy helps you balance or nurture your energy (Part A)?
What other tools/practices do you employ to make sure you have energy for life apart from work (Part B)?

Vulnerable disclosure: I combat embarrassment in this space. The shame-brain says there are probably millions of parents/people out there, plus many generations before us, who do this without a single thought, because it's just what needs doing. I took a very weird sort of life-path as a young person, which left me behind on some basic adult experiences when I finally “got off the ride”. So I'm glad to be among gentle souls to bravely ask! And who I think understand the whole "my energy doesn't match my workaholism" trait.
Odds and ends thoughts: this worky job is not about doing what I love, or saving the world, or working somewhere in line with my values, or anything else even slightly noble. It is a foray into the rat race in exchange for coin. IF I can get this energy-metering thing figured out, I think there are opportunities for side-coin from pursuing the more Permie-minded Life Quests. But I have to get the energy-metering thing figured out.

I commend you for knowing your weakness and asking for help. Wow - and thanks for that schedule list, if I wanted to be organised that looks really useful. As I'm sort of the opposite of you and probably suffer more from being rather laid back, I'll just contribute one thing that helped me. One of the things that used to make me less productive at work was wanting to help everyone - a lack of ability to say 'no'. It's not really to do with organisation but to do with self respect and assertiveness, and an assertiveness course really helped me. Give yourself the right to say no to tasks that you really know you don't have the time to do (along with everything else on your plate). You do yourself little favour if you try and bite off too much that is not really in your job province.

Edit - oh, and good luck with the new job!

Nancy Reading wrote:and thanks for that schedule list, if I wanted to be organised that looks really useful.

It doesn't take much structure for me to feel overwhelmed and pressured, so I used to be very forgiving and permissive as far as scheduling tasks. But things were getting missed or perpetually procrastinated, so I wanted change. That template made sense to me, and it's very easy to personalize. I still don't hold myself to it strictly. Its biggest benefits are that I can now see all the tasks that are important to me in one place, and spreading them out through the week makes it all seem doable, somehow.

Give yourself the right to say no to tasks that you really know you don't have the time to do (along with everything else on your plate).

Ooh, boundary setting! That's a good one. I'll have to think about how I might apply that.

I just remembered advice my husband gave me last year. In that case, there was really enough work for about two more people, and he reminded me, "You have a job to do; not a job to get done."  Steady progress was the realistic goal, not completion.

A friend used to say "They'll take what you give".  If you're an overworker and people pleaser, and you do 75% as good a job as you'd normally do, they will still love you.  Just strive to never give 100% so that you don't burn yourself out for your personal time.  That same friend used to imagine her work effort as a stick shift car.  She aimed to stay in third gear.  If things got busy she'd often go into fourth gear but she tried to never go into fifth gear.  She still worked harder than all her coworkers...

I used to have a corporate salaried job.  My coworkers would often work 50-60 hour weeks to keep up with the Joneses.  I regularly worked 40 hours.  Sometimes I'd flex up to 60 when a project needed.  In the end I got just as many promotions and raises as the other folks.  Probably because I was smart and more efficient and likeable :)

Sara said, this worky job is not about doing what I love, or saving the world, or working somewhere in line with my values, or anything else even slightly noble.

This statement reminds me of someone just graduating from college.  While these are admirable ambitions to me, once someone has married and/or starting a family most of those ambitions go out the window.

How do you know that you will not be doing some of those until after you get the job?

I mean especially the `doing what I love`or `working somewhere in line with my values`

I worked all my life as soon as I finished high school.

I loved working. I was `doing something I loved`.  

I also felt that I was a professional and `my values` were very important to me.

When we got married dear hubby suggested I not work.  I said there was no reason for me not to work.

I was doing what I loved.  The profession picked me as I did not seek a job in something that I loved.

I always felt that I was helping folks.

When we sold our homestead our goal was to see places we loved.

It was hard for me not to have a job so I made my life a job.

We traveled and worked at places along the way.

Now we bought a place in the boondocks and I still have my life job.

I sit at a computer 8 hours a day doing what I love.

I also enjoyed job hunting because I loved meeting new people and learning new things.

I still remember that in one job interview, I was asked to spell brochure.  I had never even heard that word.

I didn't feel I was a good fit for that job so I turned it down.

I wish you the best with your job hunting.

Mike Haasl wrote: A friend used to say "They'll take what you give". If you're an overworker and people pleaser, and you do 75% as good a job as you'd normally do, they will still love you.  Just strive to never give 100% so that you don't burn yourself out for your personal time.  That same friend used to imagine her work effort as a stick shift car.  She aimed to stay in third gear.  If things got busy she'd often go into fourth gear but she tried to never go into fifth gear.  She still worked harder than all her coworkers...

I like this because it doesn't try to ignore or suppress the approval-seeking drive. But it's not giving it mastery, either. It seems the key point in this approach is first awareness (knowing what level of effort I'm giving), then discipline or self-mastery (being able to dial up or down as needed).

I think energy expenditure often involves speed for me. Literally slowing down - not speedwalking, for instance - can help conserve energy.

I used to have a corporate salaried job.  My coworkers would often work 50-60 hour weeks to keep up with the Joneses.  I regularly worked 40 hours.  Sometimes I'd flex up to 60 when a project needed.  In the end I got just as many promotions and raises as the other folks.  Probably because I was smart and more efficient and likeable

This reminds me that I have done similarly in a previous high-demand occupation. I set my bar lower deliberately because I knew I'd burn out (faster) otherwise. Sometimes I had to get pretty adamant with myself that I wasn't going to go full-tilt. Other times I had to get adamant with someone else that my version of full-tilt wasn't the same as theirs, no matter how much they wanted it to be. Boundary setting, again!

These are good pointers to think about - thank you.

Anne, thank you - your reply was an invitation to explore my thoughts/observations more deeply (the quoted part). I got to dig down into both why I think that, and why I felt I needed to express it.

I'd prefer not to share a lot of detail, so I'll aim for briefly vague (ha).

To clarify - I don't believe a job is only worthwhile when it is noble or fulfills grand ideals or is in line with a person's passion.

I  think in my specific case there is some compromise of principle for me personally. Probably I am being overly critical toward myself about that, while also feeling defensive. It feels a bit like working for the enemy, honestly. So I have to frame that for myself in a way that I can accept and live with it, because I see the necessity and no alternative, at least for the time being.

I do think remembering the ultimate purpose of the work will help me meter my energy there - rather than spend my energy excelling at the workplace at the cost of non-work areas I desire to pour creative energy into.

Anne Miller wrote:How do you know that you will not be doing some of those until after you get the job?
I mean especially the `doing what I love`or `working somewhere in line with my values`

I have a pretty good idea of where I'll be working and the general type of job I'll be working. Of course something completely different could happen; that's not impossible. I do very much expect there to be enjoyable, fascinating aspects of the job, bits that could probably be described as "doing what I love".

Thanks, Anne - this is helpful introspection!

I am over a month into the new job.
It's been very physically demanding. I prefer active jobs, but the amount of time spent lifting (cases of produce range from light to 40 or 50 pounds) is probably the most of any job I've ever worked. (Other jobs required more intermittent heavy lifting.) I am thankful for the ability and strength to perform this, but it's taken a toll on me.

Also, the shift is earlier than optimal for my body rhythms (if that makes sense). 20 years ago I remember working 2 day shifts and 2 night shifts in one week, and shrugging it off (though it was confusing to the system). Here, I was somewhat getting nutrition and sleep routines going, but the sleep schedule especially was disruptive. What's worse, it was affecting my husband's routines negatively, too. I'm in the process of exploring options with a manager, and I'm optimistic something can be resolved there.
My body was adjusting to the earlier everything, but when I unexpectedly got put on a more normal-to-me shift this week, there is a sense of relief (not the emotion) and rightness about how my body pretty much immediately got back on track. (So interesting, these observations!) It was adjusting and doing what it had to, but it was not comfortable.

As far as pacing myself goes - there's lots of pressure to get the shelves filled and process the freight. It took me a while to get out of hypervigilant performance mode, and be able to work with awareness so I could monitor my pace. I feel better throughout the day when I'm not slinging cases around but am moving them with control and awareness.

Getting off earlier was one big perk I'll miss. Having the afternoon free was really nice, though I had energy for only 2 or 3 tasks before needing to settle down to sleep.

Takeaways at this point: move with awareness, don't take on unnecessary pressure, and aim to work a schedule that aligns with body rhythms of sleep and nutrition.

6 months-plus update
Too long; didn't read summary: irony and epiphany, all those things your mom said were probably true, be good/kind to yourself

It took me a while to get out of hypervigilant performance mode

Oh, past-Sara - I could laugh and cry for you!
When I wrote this, I was still deep in that mode. Watchful, tense, performance-conscious. And in denial, apparently?
I think my "Unsafe!" trigger got tripped by all the stress of a new situation. My system-default method to secure my safety is to get other-approval through performing, achieving, being capable/knowledgeable, succeeding - in short, spending lots and lots of energy trying to make people happy. Of course that's futile, but I've never been able to convince my brain. Exhausting, too!

Time probably helped - unfamiliarity wears off with time.
What really helped was a mindset switch. I encountered a concept which helped me realize how well I'm being taken care of in life. If I really believe all my needs will be met, then I don't need to spend effort manipulating someone else's thoughts about me to keep myself safe. I think sinking into that realization took a load off. Maybe brain can detach from that people-pleasing fallacy now?
(This doesn't absolve me of responsibility to do what I can for myself, or to speak up when my needs aren't being met. But it does point out where I was overreaching my responsibility - if that makes sense.)


I have exactly zero new, flashy, miracle answers for the original question. I seem to just keep reinforcing all the same, old boring ones - because they work, of course.
You know - the kind of stuff moms might say at one time or another:

Eat your veggies!

I aim for a variety, as well as plenty of protein, extra chia seeds, and plenty of liquids through the day.

Go to sleep!

I'm in bed an hour before I want to be asleep. Chamomile tea is a bedtime practice. The hours haven't changed but I'm not actively pursuing a different shift right now. Something might open up later.

Get some exercise!

GMB Elements is my favorite way to stretch, and it moves my joints in ways work doesn't.

Go outside and play!

I try to remember to look at the stars every morning when I leave. If I feel up to it, I take a nature walk with my husband on my midweek day off.

Buy some decent shoes!

Feet that don't hurt mean I can do more at home, if I feel like it. My feet started hurting about a month ago. The problem is half solved (supportive inserts); part 2 of the solution (brand new shoes, instead of gently used) should be arriving soon.

I'm still really tired when I come home. I do manage a few necessary tasks each week that feed the "accomplished" feeling. I have one sewing project going; I'm excited when I get one step done a week on it. Cooking supper for us is out of the question, so far.

Probably my current approach can all be boiled down to two bits:
Doing the things I know support my well-being,
and
doing something I think they call "giving myself grace". In other words, adjusting expectations and making peace with reality.

My reply might sounds like I'm being cheeky, but I mean every word of it exactly as it's typed.

I worked my entire life doing what's best for everyone else - employers, friends, church, volunteer work, and even total strangers.  (I have no family.)  Unfortunately, I did all of it the wrong way - at my own expense (in every way).  My entire life, even as a kid, has been spent supporting and helping everyone else but myself.  I've never even had a vacation.

<Insert long overdue epiphany here along with five years of reflection, self-work, healing, and future planning.>

My work/life balance is this:  I've worked long enough.  I've done without most everything most people in the U.S. can't seem to live without.  So, that's it.  I'm done.  I'm punching out.  Thanks for shopping our Kmart.  Now it's my turn.  And I aim to make up for lost time.

I'm retiring and living life by my terms.  Selfish?  Nope!  I'm still a helpful, kind person and I'm not saying, "Forget everyone else in the world!  It's all about me now!"  I'm just resetting the scale of balance and that means I do have quite a bit of looking after myself to do for awhile.  My porch will still have an extra rocking chair for friends and there'll always be room for folks who need an ear or a plate of home cooking.  So, I'm buying the property I want, building the house I want, and starting to live the rest of my life (at 59) the way I want.  You have to have a "life" to balance the scales of a work/life balance.  For me, that starts with relocating.  First order of business... finally getting a dog.  

This is the first time I've said any of this "out loud."

Sara, your posts come across so organised, well thought out and neat that my Go With The Flow Attitude has a moment of jealousy.
Reading the replies I think I'm in team Nancy with wanting to help 'everyone' and forgetting to put my own oxygen mask on first, in in-flight speak.
But back to your questions:
"What specific mindset/philosophy helps you balance or nurture your energy (Part A)?
What other tools/practices do you employ to make sure you have energy for life apart from work (Part B)?"

Part A: Whenever I feel out of whack I either: practice TaiChi / get bare-foot and stand on soil / do gardening with bare hands. Basically it comes down to connecting with Nature regularly, and especially if I feel fried after too much mental activity. That's the balancing part.
The nurturing part would be Just Be. Do nothing, just be. Observe. Luxuriate in observing with all senses, without engaging your mind. Just be.

Part B: Sleep well. Eat well. Love well.

Thank you for the cleaning schedule link!

Nina Surya wrote:Sara, your posts come across so organised, well thought out and neat that my Go With The Flow Attitude has a moment of jealousy.
(...)
Thank you for the cleaning schedule link!

Hahaha - Nina, we need 'em both! And everything in between. I'm so super analytical it can really slow me down. So bring on the flow!

Lest anyone think I'm adhering to that cleaning schedule - I'm not, but I sure appreciate having  such an adaptable framework as a way to think about it. Originally I scaled it to fit my energy and needs. Its biggest benefit for me was that it reduced the "overwhelm" perception of what I wanted to get done.

Sara, it is good to hear back from you how life and the job been since Apr 2024?

I've been thinking a whole lot about this thread since I posted.  TL;DR warning but some things can't be condensed into Tweet-sized posts.

It's true, my work/life balance has been as far out of balance as it can get.  I am, to this day, the farthest person from perfect that I know!  But, I have to admit, positive things have come out of this imbalance, too.  I actually like and respect who I am and what I stand for, in spite of decades of the bad stuff that happened.  

But, it took time to learn; mostly the hard way because I'm a stubborn git.  Time, experience, and exasperation are the best teachers.  When folks get sick and tired enough of an imbalance, problem, addiction, or situation in their life, they'll do what needs to be done to change it.  Folks can't be forced or talked into it.  You have to be in the right brain space to put in the work.  Mantras, tricks, hacks, motivational sayings, etc., never work for me.  

All that said, my unasked for advice for folks would be this:

- Stop beating yourself up and give yourself some grace.  Great fluffy muffins, we have enough folks in this world doing that for us that we ought to at least be on our own side!  You are not your past.  No one is perfect, so don't compare yourself with anyone who appears to be in a better, or worse, situation than you.  You never know what that person has been, or is going, through.  Life isn't a contest or a race.  It's a walk.  Be patient with yourself and others.  Concentrate on being the best version of you that you can be.  For example:  There are a lot of folks trying to "find the right person" who meets their list of criteria.  What they fail to do is ask themselves one question:  "Am I the kind of person, right now, that that person I'm looking for is going to be attracted to?"  If not, then stop looking for the right person and work on becoming the right person first.

Decide what your foundation for all truth is and build your priorities and decisions on that foundation.  Not everyone is going to agree with you and that's okay.  We're all responsible for the choices we make.  That also means we're responsible for the consequences of our choices, too.  You're not responsible for other people's choices and consequences, so let them learn their own lessons while you learn yours.  That's why you build your life on the foundation of truth... because the truth stands firm.  Building on any other foundation will crumble.

As you grow and change, becoming the kind of person you want to be, you'll start attracting the same kind of people into your life and the wrong sort will just go away because they no longer have the power to bring you down to their level.   Know that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.  Some are meant to be there for a specific time and purpose only.

Regret is like unforgiveness - they're both self-prisons that only you have the key for.  Use that key to set yourself free instead of punishing yourself or waiting for someone else to give you what you think you need from them.  The past is over and can't be changed.  Learn from your past, make amends where you can, and let it go.  If someone else holds unforgiveness towards you, you can't control that.  You did what you could to fix things so it's up to the other person to learn from it in their own way/time.  But you need to move on.  That's why unforgiveness is a SELF-prison.  I actually learned that (partially) from Winnie the Pooh!  When something happened, he did what he could do about it.  As for the part he couldn't do anything about, he said, "Oh bother!" took the lesson to be learned from it, and moved on.  

This might help someone else -
I introduced a regular caffeine habit by way of sencha (green tea) a couple months ago. I'm really enjoying it! It's enough for me to feel an energy/alertness difference, but not enough to feel jitters or other side effects. And no withdrawal symptoms if I miss a morning or two.

Emmett, I think I understand what you're doing as "opting out". Permies.com seems to me to be a giant smorgasbord of resources for opting out. I think we are all collectively wanting to "do differently" in all sorts of ways, whether it's gardening or homesteading or self-development. I think it takes courage to make changes like that.

resetting the scale of balance

is an apt way of putting it.
I used to use notebooks from the brand "Exceed". They had their name printed on the title page. I wrote "At peace with POTENTIAL" over their brand name, blotting it out. From my experience, sometimes the pressure to exceed can be misapplied. Instead of striving for excellence and taking on that pressure, I appreciate the opportunity to explore possibilities of my potential.

Most of my adult life I've opted out of conventional life, one way or another, for various reasons, with various levels of self-awareness. Most recently my husband and I traveled seasonally. I worked as needed. Now I need to "opt in" for a bit. A lot of the challenge for me comes from how exposed I am to what passes for "normal" life these days in US suburban society.
Thankfully, I don't have to lose myself in the culture. I can be in it but not become it.

Nina Surya wrote:Luxuriate in observing with all senses, without engaging your mind.

Cloud-watching and sitting under a tree looking up are two of my most favorite ways to practice this.

Anne Miller wrote: Sara, it is good to hear back from you how life and the job been since Apr 2024?

Thanks, Anne!

Thank you for this post.  I'm always trying to optimize my ability to succede and get things done, both things I want to do and things that are pesky that must be done.  Its always a work in progress for me and adjusting this and that and shifting and moving and sorting and going.

Glad you are managing with your worky job and your real goals too.

A year later: reflection and intention

In very general "it depends" terms, I'd like to add two strategies to our list so far.

First, in new situations
allow for/accept the adjustment period, and remember it won't last forever.
With a new job, there is an acclimation period, right?
New routines, new people, new skills, new environment... a smorgasbord of stimuli for brains to deal with.
Even if we've been through similar in the past, we've never been through it as our current selves.
There are elements of both
"here we go again" and
"this has never happened before".
All that adaptation (and stress) can be exhausting!

We already know humans aren't so good at estimating duration (read about Planning Fallacy on Todoist , at The Decision Lab, or at Ness Labs).
It makes sense that we might feel exhausted here, and it can feel like it will always be that way.
But it almost certainly won't.

Personally, I knew there would be an adjustment. I didn't fully realize how intense and impactful it could be.
I'm deeply introspective - a self-watcher. I understand my coping defaults and window of tolerance from a trauma-informed perspective. Even then, how hypervigilant/protected I stayed, and for how long, surprised me. I wasn't fully aware how deeply I was trigger-hijacked for all those months. It wasn't as quick as an overnight change, but it was certainly like waking up - to great relief.

Basically - I was "along for the ride" in this phase. I took care of myself the best I knew how, but really the way out (to better energy) was through. I think the "struggle bus" metaphor applies here.
In short, this tip is about having patience with ourselves while we adapt to newness.


Secondly,
support the season of life you're in apart from the work situation.
I am definitely going through perimenopause (link to permies.com post). Undoubtedly that impacts my work experience, and probably is impacted by the stressors of work.
Targeting my perimenopause symptoms - mostly through nutritional supplement - made a big difference in how I felt on the job.

I still don't have energy for the tasks I mentioned in the original post. But I'm interested to see how the next months go. When I have extended time away from work, my usual interests are alive and well. So I'm not losing myself by any means.

I am at the moment ¨having to¨ work a 40h work week and sometimes feel quite stuck with no energy to spend on a side business and getting out of the situation. The advice in this thread is valuable and reasonable.

Grace is a keyword. In my own routine it has been helpful to get out of bed that half an hour earlier and have a moment of silence, centering and meditation in the morning. It changes my whole day, as then I get into the observer point of view, instead of being becoming absorbed in my thoughts.