POST 193 (DAY 203, Sunday, 2021.2.28)
.. yesterday slept early.. I wasn’t sick but I was tired/fatigued.. these days I wonder if the feeling of illness manifests in fatigue (instead of sniffles or sneezes).. I’ve had days where the sniffles and sneezes were there, but somehow I powered through.. perhaps now that’s become the norm?.. I see other people doing this powering through thing a lot.. it’s good to give the body rest.. one of the reasons why I’d like to have siestas 3-5 days/week when i have the availability.. :)
THOUGHT: .. on community.. yesterday a word came up, “brotherhood”, when Lara and I were discussing bunk buddy etiquette.. is it okay for the top bunk mate to occasionally step on the bottom bunk mattress when convenience calls? .. a very fair question bc the bottom bunk mate may prefer privacy/control over the whole of the bottom mattress.. after all it’s their “domain”.. there’s always a balance between thoughts and feels, right?.. to me what feels right is that none of this is “mine” anyways, so step all you want.. knowing that the other person will be respectful of my ways of being, living, or sleeping sure brings me peace.. thanks for being a respectful bunk mate..
.. and in the spirit of a more inclusive “brotherhood”, perhaps the words “kinship” or “community-hood” would serve to accurately portray the culture I’d be honored to help cultivate and partake in.. I often find myself thinking about how much I can “get” from my time here.. a poor habit indeed.. the thought that feels better to me is how can I “serve” this community?.. now that makes me wonder what kind of “brother” would I like to be in this family.. frankly, I have such good examples around me here, so I can always fall back on modeling after my near company.. no expectations; just love and peace<3
POST 194 (DAY 204, Monday, 2021.3.1)
RANDOM:.. life is beautiful when you’re 14 and in love.. rocking out with the fam over dinner, with music from the Bluetooth speaker.. laughing, giggling, eating.. merry Monday.. wait who’s 14??.. and what is love?.. is it remarrying twice?.. is it breathing on someone’s head?.. is it being a friend?.. sure.. we’re just here for a blip.. let’s have a good time and enjoy all the randomness..
.. in re-reading this entry, I’m considering deleting the previous paragraph.. but this is my journal so to speak.. so wouldn’t I want to capture my weirdness?.. anyway..
POST 195 (DAY 205, Tuesday, 2021.3.2)
Turning a new leaf.. capacity growth and bare minimum. so recently I wrote about becoming the “brother” that I want to be.. the brother that adds value to the fam.. I’m remembering that this was my original focus near the beginning of my journey here.. somewhere along the way, the brother became more of an independent contractor, seeking to do just enough.. in a way, I was; and I also I wasn’t.. a conversational feedback from Clayton offers the idea that I was doing my part in a ample way; he didn’t feel I was contributing “too little” from his perspective.. a very reassuring thought which brought me peace and gratitude.. then why did I feel I was being stingy with my efforts to contribute?.. one thing I could conclude is that my capacity to contribute has grown.. like when a new parent finds ways to work twice or thrice as much, to make ends meet, for the child who’s only resource is an irresistible smile.. this parent figures it out.. they summon the wisdom and courage to leap toward new horizons never before imagined.. what a hopeful thought..
POST 196 (DAY 206, Wednesday, 2021.3.3)
.. yesterday was a challenging introspective (looking inside self?) time for me.. first time in a while since I felt so many emotions and thoughts all at once.. It felt overwhelming.. i didn’t have words to express any or all of it.. so I laid in the sun with a zeek the cat on my chest.. the most overwhelming part was the idea that I had to know exactly how to feel/express the stuff inside me.. far from ideal, yet so human, right?.. some clarity came to me when I sent someone a compliment/appreciation text.. it really felt like I pulled my head out of.. and took a breath of air.. how can sending out appreciation be cathartic to one's feeling of overwhelm?.. I don’t know but it’s pretty cool little remedy someone taught me a few years ago.. and it still works!!.. grateful for friends..
POST 197 (DAY 207, Thursday, 2021.3.4)
.. taking things personal.. in a moment of clarity at 2:39am, the thought came to me that this could be taking things in a negative way or even in a positive way.. if someone random cuts me off in conversation and talks over me, I might be offended or take it as a negative because it might mean that they had no interest in my awesome story.. if someone who I like cuts me off and talks over me, I might take it as positive because it might mean that they resonate so much with my story that they couldn’t wait to laugh with me about it.. taking another’s action or words and putting a positive meaning behind it is to view through colored lenses.. of course there’s nothing wrong with this and it’s what we do all the time.. so what the heck am I talking about?.. if i even have a point, it may be that the present moment is the only real experience.. guilt, shame, imagination, nor fantasy live in the present.. all this to say that I was very uncentered for the last few weeks, and today I feel back to center..
Anyway Clayton has ventured off to another state to experience life some more.. a farewell song on his last night with us..
POST 198 (DAY 208, Friday, 2021.3.5)
RANDOM:.. thought tracks.. they sometimes suggest a hopeful, positive outlook.. “yes, we can..” .. and sometimes suggest other things grim or dark.. “I’ll never be..”.. the thought that action speaks louder than words has rung true for me, for most of my life.. “this is what you asked for..” .. to a point where words mean very little to me, and action is what actually holds value.. “I will get that..”
.. that said, words can come in the form of an action, such as taking the time to speak in appreciation of another.. “The way you gathered those logs and staged them here was so clutch..” .. the act of appreciating someone via verbal communication.. these kinds of words seem to have value, to me.. words in passing or reactionary phrases (“man these urinals are too close to each other!..”), seem a bit fluffy.. also, fluffy things can be very nice to be around.. “hey..”
.. enjoy the pics~!!!
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