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jokes

 
Joseph Lofthouse
author & steward
Posts: 7380
Location: Cache Valley, zone 4b, Irrigated, 9" rain in badlands.
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Not all who wander are lost....

Some of us are just looking for firewood.....



Or mushrooms...
mushroom-hybrid1.jpg
foraging mushrooms
foraging mushrooms

Landrace Gardening, author
Open Source Plant Breeding Forum, founder
Adaptation Agriculture: Video Course, Community, and Seed Share

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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A single ant can live to be 29 years old.....

What about a married one?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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524
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After 100 years of lying on the ocean floor, divers found the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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524
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"Where is your sister from?"

"Alaska"

"Never mind, I'll ask her myself"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people wouldn't understand.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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HR:  Did you tell your co-workers you had handmade gifts for them
and then give them the finger?

ME:  That was a gift from the heart.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Staff note :

Please remember our Be Nice policy. It applies to the entire site.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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Sometimes I read a text and think what a psycho.

Then I press send.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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If you notice 2019 backwards is 9102.

If you take away the 0 and 2 you have 91.

It doesn't mean anything, but thanks for reading!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13991
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8297
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Is there another word for synonym?

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Jay Angler
master steward
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Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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A cowboy walks into a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink he found his horse had been stolen.

He walks back into the bar, flips his gun in the air and fires a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?"  He yells.  No one answers.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back when I'm finished I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas. And I don't want to do what I done in Texas."

The man, true to his word, finishes his beer goes outside and his horse had been returned.

Before he leaves town, the bartender asks: "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy replies: "I had to walk home."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Cleaning with alcohol is total BS.
Nothing gets done after that first bottle.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
gardener
Posts: 527
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
316
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Cleaning with alcohol is total BS.
Nothing gets done after that first bottle.



Yes, I cook with alcohol.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Cop: What's in the bottle?
Lady: Water.
Cop: Ma'am, that's wine.
Lady; OMG, Jesus did it again!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
gardener
Posts: 527
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
316
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Does a boomerang factory
have a returns department?

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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It's never to late to be what you want to be.
Unless you want to be younger, then your screwed.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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524
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If you are ever lost in the woods, look for the North Star.
It's twinkling will comfort you as you die.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I had a terrifying experience last night.
I was alone in the house having a bath..........
When all of a sudden.............
I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together FOREVER?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you CAN get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH,COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3502
Location: Maine, zone 5
2081
8
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I quit my job to pursue my dream of being an archeologist.
My career is now in ruins.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3502
Location: Maine, zone 5
2081
8
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I tried writing a book on plants, but it was too hard.
Next time I'll use paper.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Sign seen on the side of a delivery truck:

Every Taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan virgins.

Or Carlos, depending on who's available.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
J. Graham
gardener
Posts: 3132
2097
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.
Screenshot_20230606-111157.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20230606-111157.png]

“It’s said war—war never changes. Men do, through the roads they walk. And this road—has reached its end.”

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9312
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5037
7
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect.
And for that I am eternally grapefruit.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2946
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1505
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One morning, a millionaire was driving his car through the countryside. As he drove along a field, he saw the most beautiful horse he had ever seen standing in the field. Accustomed to having the finest, he decided right then and there to buy this one of a kind horse for his daughter. He drove a little farther until he found the farmer who owned the field.

Millionaire - "That is the best looking horse I have ever seen. I want to buy it."
Famer - "Ohh.. that horse there don't look too good, but I've got a different one if you are of a mind to buy a horse."
Millionaire - "What are you talking about? That horse looks great, it would be perfect for my daughter."
Farmer - "Your daughter wouldn't want that horse, he don't look good. I've got another one in the barn that looks much better".

The Millionaire was so insistent, that the farmer finally agreed to sell. The Millionaire sent a truck and trailer immediately to pick the horse up. The farmer led the horse into the trailer, received his money and waved goodbye. The farmer was just sitting down to supper when he heard a truck pull into the driveway. He went out to see who it was, and an extremely angry millionaire stomped up.

Millionaire - "I want my money back! My daughter tried riding him, and he walked into the fence three times. That horse is blind as a bat, how could you sell me a horse like that?"
Farmer - "I told you he don't look good, but you didn't believe me".

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Kaarina Kreus
pollinator
Posts: 574
Location: Finland, Scandinavia
436
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I wish autocorrect would burn in hello.

Whathever you are, be a good one.
___________________________________

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I never use turn signals.

It's nobody else's business where I'm going.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
steward
Posts: 15931
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5084
8
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My wife and I have decided we don't want to have kids.  If you're interested, please contact us to make arrangements.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
steward
Posts: 15931
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5084
8
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Did you know Moses was the first person to use Ctrl-C as a shortcut?

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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524
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Friend:   I thought you were dieting?

Me:  I am.

Friend:  But you just ate 3 donuts!

Me:  But I wanted 4, see? dieting.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13991
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8297
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An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8297
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Apparently, you can't use "beefstew" as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8297
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An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle.
A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ......
"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.
"Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?"
"Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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524
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I think Trojan is a lousy name for condoms.
It's basically named after something that penetrated a stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and screwed up everyone's day.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Stephanie Agnes
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In cooking, as in life, things don’t always go according to plan… but always remember: if you can’t Sautée, you can always “Saut B.”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I took the wife and kids to the beach for father's day.

I have no idea who is bringing them back.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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The nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

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