THIS JULY…
(slow fade-in of blond boy weeding in garden, looking astonished)
blond boy: Mom, that's weird, I could have sworn I just weeded here, but there's grass all over the place. Slow fade-out).
FROM DIRECTOR MICHAEL BANE…
(slow fade-in of crowd of people running along
city street, pursued by shadow of what appears to be 18-f lot-high clump of grass)
COMING TO A GARDEN NEAR YOU…
(slow fade-in of completely empty field of bare dirt)
Nicholas Cage: You've created the perfect conditions for one species to come in and completely take over...
AND THE GARDEN NEXT TO IT...
(slow fade-in, woman crouched behind barrel with machine gun and hipster)
Woman: I don't have time to explain critical race theory to you, get in the house and find the kerosene.
(slow fade-out)
AND THE EMPTY LOT BEHIND THAT…
(slow fade-in of science lab)
labcoat: They're multiplying so fast, it's like they've got special adaptogens…
COMES A FILM SO ADRENALIN-PUMPING…
Circle of hippies: Maybe we've just got to, like, underSTAND the wire grass, and send it love…
(green tentacles erupt out of the ground and drag them all under)
IT WILL HAVE YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT…WISHING YOU HAD NEVER TRIED PERMACULTURE…
Big white farmer: OK, hipsters, no more
fucking around. Grab the Roundup.
FOR YEARS IT'S BEEN WAITING SILENTLY IN OUR YARDS. . .
sociology professor: The government's been covering it up for years.
NOW THE WORLD IS UNDER ATTACK…
aid worker: get in the van! this is your last chance! get in the van! this is your last chance! Mr. President, uh, yeah, i think there's another van behind us—(to driver) go go go go go go go go!
AND ONE SMALL BAND OF PERMACULTURISTS…
Sepp Holzer: Paul, I'm hit, it was a setup.
Paul: Sepp! don't leave me!
Sepp: It's up to you now, Paul, you have the codes!
AND EVERY LAST CLICHE OF HOLYWOOD MOVIES…
white woman: Johnny, I've never felt this way about a man before…
WELL MAYBE JUST THE ONES FROM HOLYWOOD ACTION MOVIES…
small kid from earlier scene on top of a hill is snatched out of the reach of oncoming grass tentacles at the last second.
TO KEEP THE WORLD SAFE.
Nicholas Cage: The government isn't going to help us. They're getting on a ship right now with Elon Musk. They've sold us out to the wire grass, all of us.
cut to circle of permaculturists with hand tools in a circle facing the oncoming menace.
WIREGRASS.
18.
THE GRASS AWAKENS.
super-fast montage of various high-speed car chases etc.
IN GARDENS JUNE 11th.
OR MAYBE MAY
OR IT MIGHT BE BEHIND YOU
group of survivalists in
underground bunker.
"There's no way it can get through eight feet of
concrete, can it?"
wiregrass
roots erupt from the ground and strangle everyone.
cut to kid pulling weeds again. "Hm, the wires on these things are just impossible."
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE THREAT.