Win a copy of Bioshelter Market Garden this week in the Market Garden forum!
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education experiences global resources the cider press projects digital market permies.com private forums all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • James Freyr
  • Nicole Alderman
  • Anne Miller
  • r ranson
  • Mike Jay Haasl
  • Dave Burton
  • Pearl Sutton
stewards:
  • paul wheaton
  • Joylynn Hardesty
  • Joseph Lofthouse
garden masters:
  • Steve Thorn
gardeners:
  • Dan Boone
  • Carla Burke
  • Kate Downham

What Women Want

 
pollinator
Posts: 643
Location: SW Missouri, Zone 7a
122
goat dog forest garden duck trees books chicken food preservation cooking woodworking homestead
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Burra Maluca wrote:Sounds to me like not listening, or caring enough about what is upsetting you to stop doing the thing you're complaining about when it's a valid complaint is a pretty BIG thing, not a little thing.
Maybe for anyone reading this, we could add 'someone who listens to me and cares enough to make changes' to the list of things that we might want to look for in a partner.



True, it is a BIG thing in the end, but it starts small. Or maybe it is never really about the small things at all and the refusal to change is only a symptom of larger, underlying selfishness that manifests in small ways.


Meg Mitchell wrote:I find Austin's comment especially frustrating because a pattern I have often observed is, a woman will politely bring up a small issue and the man will tell her it's a non issue because in his mind, it's only an issue if it's something he cares about. She brings it up a few times and is summarily dismissed or ignored each time, so she stops trying to bring it up, and then after months/years of putting up with it, she goes off and he says, why didn't you say anything? Thankfully I've never been in this scenario with a romantic partner, only dealt with it in male relatives and observing other people's living situations. Communication is a 2 way street and it requires the person receiving the message to listen and consider what's being said. If you dismiss someone else's concerns immediately because they seem petty to you, I don't see how that can be a healthy relationship. There are always going to be things that one partner cares about more than the other. If you only care about your things and the other person only cares about their things, are you even in a loving relationship or are you just roommates who are angry at each other all the time?



This is probably the truest thing I've read so far and also probably the most recognizable by the majority of women. We try not to make a scene so we likely state the problem in a way that most men--being rather obtuse when it comes to subtle hints--take as being no big deal even to us. So ... safe to ignore. Then when subtlety is no longer an option and we increasingly make a point of saying in no uncertain terms how much something bothers us, we are accused of nagging or being a "bitch".  It's kind of a losing scenario for the annoyed partner from the start because saying something nicely has no impact and getting annoyed enough to be blunt about it turns us into nags (from their point of view). That is why it is best to find out where a person stands before getting into a serious relationship.

I wish, for example, that I had known how big a slob my husband was before we were in a committed relationship. If I should ever find myself single again, I will probably eschew ANY further relationship, but IF I should happen to find someone I feel attracted to, the first question I will ask is are you a Felix or an Oscar? (Some of the older folks here will know what I mean by that, everyone else can just Google "The Odd Couple".)
 
gardener
Posts: 833
Location: Galicia, Spain zone 9a
184
dog duck chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts pig bike bee solar ungarbage
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Him indoors and I have been together for 38 years this November.  He retired 2 years ago, and we are learninv how to live together 24/7. It has not been easy. There have been many  tears and sit down discussions on how to keep sane. All relationships take work. If not, you can guarantee one of the pair us keeping things in and walking on eggshells.
 
master pollinator
Posts: 8815
Location: Victoria British Columbia-Canada
728
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I think it's important for men to realize that different women, want vastly different things.

My wife has a pet peeve, and it's mess. She cannot stand it when people make a mess and leave it. The guilty parties are usually her brother and sisters. She's found a way to have them comply, without resorting to bitching. She's the best cook in the family. Nothing comes from the stove until everyone has cleaned up their own mess. In her words, "otherwise they will have to live on bananas."

As wants go, I think this one is pretty mild and only serves to make it a more comfortable home.

Before getting married we talked about jewellery. We looked at some nice jewellery, but Nova told me she doesn't care one little bit about jewellery, and she'd rather see the money put into the land and a truck. So we settled on some very nice looking costume jewellery that cost a total of $35. We got a really nice looking wedding dress for $10 and we were set. I tried a hypothetical question around jewellery. What if we make 10 million dollars, then do you want some jewellery? She said she would like a nice wedding ring and then we could use the money to help children who can't go to school.

She's my kind of cheapskate. Nova loves to get an awesome deal and only then , is she happy to part with a little bit of money. She bought three very nice looking outfits at second-hand places, last week. The total cost was under $5.

It's been my experience that some women want you to spend money frivolously, while others would drop you like a hot potato if you did exactly the same thing. I no longer have to worry about what women want. I only need concern myself with the one I married, and she seems to want the exact same things that I do.

Her other wants are so simple. She wants me to always be nice to her and treat her with respect. She wants to be included in any big decision that would affect both of us. She wants me to do work where I'm able to be at home each night. And that's pretty much it. She hasn't come up with one want or need that I find frivolous or hard to deliver upon.
 
Posts: 3
Location: Toivola, Michigan
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I am a 59 yo female, straight, retired academic who is re-homesteading a 100 yo farm in Michigans UP which needs a lot of tlc. Am doing everything solo at present which is OK.
As I very much am intellectually curious, an avid reader, highly active and fit, with a serious work ethic, I’d wish to find someone with similar characteristics. I give back to the community by helping my fellow Elders. Though I’m smallish, I’m also strong. Most folk do best with those with similar background and values and I’m no exception. I have been online and seem to attract older dudes who lived irresponsibly and are now on their last legs financially and live in precarious circumstances. That or serious rednecks that assume I am too because of location. Homesteading requires dedication, responsibility, and hard work as you all well know. I made responsible life decisions and any future partner needs to too, I’m not a therapist or a rescuer. One must be healthy, strong to homestead, especially alone; I have a few great neighbors that’d love to help but they’re so overweight that it’s ME, the lil Professor that’ll be helping them pretty soon. Drug use and excessive alcohol is off the table as is a need for constant entertainment via TV etc. I’m off grid.
Cheers,
Miskwa
B3379F10-A88E-4A75-BADF-1F6BDEBECD0E.jpeg
[Thumbnail for B3379F10-A88E-4A75-BADF-1F6BDEBECD0E.jpeg]
 
Posts: 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I want a partner in the adventure of turning my 6 acres into an organic micro homestead.  With a long term goal of selling and buying larger property in the mountains once I become more fluent in the art of permaculture and homesteading.  
I have a building with a wood stove and electric for you to live in.  I’m looking for someone with skills in building, electrical/solar, and homesteading.
I have to children and one is severely autistic.
I can physically see a difference in her behavior when eating organically. Depending on her development over the next few years, I’d love to live off grid eventually.  Perhaps in a community or maybe the universe will see fit to introducing me to my last love.
Until then I plan to practice on a small scale as I need to stay local OH for therapist for my daughter.
I fear I’d I don’t get this project going soon, I will give up on my dream and sell and move to a house in the suburbs, because this is quite a lot to accomplish in my own with the schedule I have

If you’re looking for a change, or in transition, this may sound appealing.
This is a partnership  I understand I’m seeking experience but don’t confuse that with dictatorship.
No narcissist, alcoholic or drug adults.

Am I crazy? Is it a possibility to find someone who to aid and educate me in this venture?
We’ll see.

 
Doody calls. I would really rather that it didn't. Comfort me wise and sterile tiny ad:
permaculture bootcamp - learn permaculture through a little hard work
https://permies.com/wiki/bootcamp
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
Boost this thread!