Burra Maluca wrote:Sounds to me like not listening, or caring enough about what is upsetting you to stop doing the thing you're complaining about when it's a valid complaint is a pretty BIG thing, not a little thing.
Maybe for anyone reading this, we could add 'someone who listens to me and cares enough to make changes' to the list of things that we might want to look for in a partner.
Meg Mitchell wrote:I find Austin's comment especially frustrating because a pattern I have often observed is, a woman will politely bring up a small issue and the man will tell her it's a non issue because in his mind, it's only an issue if it's something he cares about. She brings it up a few times and is summarily dismissed or ignored each time, so she stops trying to bring it up, and then after months/years of putting up with it, she goes off and he says, why didn't you say anything? Thankfully I've never been in this scenario with a romantic partner, only dealt with it in male relatives and observing other people's living situations. Communication is a 2 way street and it requires the person receiving the message to listen and consider what's being said. If you dismiss someone else's concerns immediately because they seem petty to you, I don't see how that can be a healthy relationship. There are always going to be things that one partner cares about more than the other. If you only care about your things and the other person only cares about their things, are you even in a loving relationship or are you just roommates who are angry at each other all the time?
Jennifer Richardson wrote:I’ll play! The brutally honest version:
First and most crucially, I want a man whose company I don’t feel relieved to be rid of/actually look forward to being around. There are lots of really great men who, through no fault of their own, do not meet this criteria. I am an introvert and a loner, so it is extremely rare for me to not think, after any given social engagement, including virtually all dates, “Thank god, now I can take off all my clothes and sprawl out and read about rope splicing or whatever in BLESSED SILENCE without anyone existing near me. YAY.” And then, if he wants to see me again, I am like, “Ugh, but I was going to lie in the bathtub with my tea and think about trees, I will tell him I already have plans.” This filter is honestly kind of a problem for me, and is probably 98% of the reason I’m still single. Things that help him along include him liking to read, liking his alone time, being an interesting and wide-ranging conversationalist, being able to hang out without having to socialize or be entertained constantly, and generally having other interests he can go pursue without hanging on me all the time. Things that kill it include coming on too strong, being “charming” or flattering (this just makes me uncomfortable), being too puppyish, being a go-go-go-let’s-party-let’s-go-do-something excessively energetic type, generally being demanding or pushy or critical (as a personality trait or pattern of behavior), or being a boring dude with no significant interests or opinions (if his main hobbies are watching TV and sports, RUN).
I want to be physically attracted to the guy. I don’t have a single “type”; I can fall for tall/dark/exotic, or kind of delicate/pale & interesting/scholarly type, or urbane and gentlemanly, or outdoorsy in a particular way, but I must confess that the beer-gutted, balding, doughy-torso-shirtless-lawn-mowing good ol’ boys of my hometown don’t generally do it for me. All that being said, there was one guy I had a totally mysterious crush on in my early twenties; he was about my height (5’6”), pale in a kind of dead fish way, borderline obese, had a bushy black beard (I don’t like facial hair), and had these goofy round rosy cheeks and a general resemblance to a garden gnome. He literally lived in his parents’ basement and lived off Mountain Dew and played video games in all his free time. I tried to seduce him with tabletop gaming and long discussions about our favorite fantasy novels, but he never would take the bait. Point being, sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t, often it makes no sense, but there’s gotta be a spark.
I can go for a pretty wide age range, from about 19 to mid/late 40s (I’m 30), maybe even a bit older if they carry it with panache, but my preference is someone about my own age.
I really prefer to be in charge of things, in terms of general life plans and how things are done. Like, I am not a control freak and do not at ALL want to micromanage anyone ever, but if I decide there is something significant I want to be doing or somewhere I choose to go, or a project I want to take on, I am not happy being thwarted, although I can just about tolerate having to discuss it with someone first, and can maybe compromise? I would almost always rather give up the relationship than give up whatever thing it is I have decided to do. This is an especially hard row to hoe, in that I often want to do non-mainstream things (homesteading, long-distance hiking, living in my vehicle or aboard a boat, etc.) and there are not an enormous number of guys who are willing to just shrug and go along with that. Even fewer of them who are not spineless deadbeats or excessively woo-woo hipsterish sensitive artist/musician types (not really my thing, especially if they use drugs, and regular/heavy drinking/drugs are a no). He doesn’t necessarily have to join in with all my projects, just not hassle me about doing what I want and/or be willing to tag along when necessary, but it would be cool if we could partner up on some of my weird enthusiasms. I would be willing to go along with some of his stuff too...unless I think it’s dumb or boring.
Obviously I would eventually need to be in love with the man and be certain that he loved me back, as a complete person of whom he actually has some understanding. I need to trust the guy and be trusted. Mutual respect and admiration. Intellectual rapport. Compatible senses of humor. We can’t stress each other out all the time or make each other miserable on an ongoing basis. The basics.
...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.
Bethany Dutch wrote:Hmm okay I'll bite. I'll paste in my blurb from my OKC profile.
I'm hoping to find someone who can be a friend first - a likeminded guy - and hopefully maybe have something more develop.
He's hard working, reliable, mature, intelligent, self motivated, ambitious and an out of the box thinker. He has goals in life, and is actively working towards achieving them. He's not an extremist and he appreciates independence in a woman.
Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime, not just someone to do laundry and cook for him. He probably isn't a city guy, but someone who thrives being outside in the wild. And yes - it would be a massive bonus if he is interested in homesteading/permaculture/sustainability/etc.
I could get a lot more specific - dealbreakers include drug use (pot included), anger issues, pornography, cheating, dishonesty, and general douchebaggery. Not particularly interested in video gamers or musicians.
Also of note is that he respects boundaries even if they aren't boundaries he would set himself, he doesn't expect me to do all his emotional labor (like sending mother's day cards to his mom, being the one to always make the phone calls and reservations, etc) and he is a rockstar at empathy and understanding that just because he doesn't feel the same way someone else does on an issue, doesn't mean their perspective is invalid or unimportant.
Extra huge massive bonus for someone who is mechanically inclined and handy.
Hugo Morvan wrote:Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes [...]
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!
Gail Gardner wrote:
Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.
I hope all the women you know aren't like that. We definitely are NOT all like that.
Helen Butt wrote:Better to aim high than aim low.
Because there's a large Cesspool of men, who may not be so trustworthy.
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