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What Women Want

 
pollinator
Posts: 643
Location: SW Missouri, Zone 7a
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Burra Maluca wrote:Sounds to me like not listening, or caring enough about what is upsetting you to stop doing the thing you're complaining about when it's a valid complaint is a pretty BIG thing, not a little thing.
Maybe for anyone reading this, we could add 'someone who listens to me and cares enough to make changes' to the list of things that we might want to look for in a partner.



True, it is a BIG thing in the end, but it starts small. Or maybe it is never really about the small things at all and the refusal to change is only a symptom of larger, underlying selfishness that manifests in small ways.


Meg Mitchell wrote:I find Austin's comment especially frustrating because a pattern I have often observed is, a woman will politely bring up a small issue and the man will tell her it's a non issue because in his mind, it's only an issue if it's something he cares about. She brings it up a few times and is summarily dismissed or ignored each time, so she stops trying to bring it up, and then after months/years of putting up with it, she goes off and he says, why didn't you say anything? Thankfully I've never been in this scenario with a romantic partner, only dealt with it in male relatives and observing other people's living situations. Communication is a 2 way street and it requires the person receiving the message to listen and consider what's being said. If you dismiss someone else's concerns immediately because they seem petty to you, I don't see how that can be a healthy relationship. There are always going to be things that one partner cares about more than the other. If you only care about your things and the other person only cares about their things, are you even in a loving relationship or are you just roommates who are angry at each other all the time?



This is probably the truest thing I've read so far and also probably the most recognizable by the majority of women. We try not to make a scene so we likely state the problem in a way that most men--being rather obtuse when it comes to subtle hints--take as being no big deal even to us. So ... safe to ignore. Then when subtlety is no longer an option and we increasingly make a point of saying in no uncertain terms how much something bothers us, we are accused of nagging or being a "bitch".  It's kind of a losing scenario for the annoyed partner from the start because saying something nicely has no impact and getting annoyed enough to be blunt about it turns us into nags (from their point of view). That is why it is best to find out where a person stands before getting into a serious relationship.

I wish, for example, that I had known how big a slob my husband was before we were in a committed relationship. If I should ever find myself single again, I will probably eschew ANY further relationship, but IF I should happen to find someone I feel attracted to, the first question I will ask is are you a Felix or an Oscar? (Some of the older folks here will know what I mean by that, everyone else can just Google "The Odd Couple".)
 
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Him indoors and I have been together for 38 years this November.  He retired 2 years ago, and we are learninv how to live together 24/7. It has not been easy. There have been many  tears and sit down discussions on how to keep sane. All relationships take work. If not, you can guarantee one of the pair us keeping things in and walking on eggshells.
 
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I think it's important for men to realize that different women, want vastly different things.

My wife has a pet peeve, and it's mess. She cannot stand it when people make a mess and leave it. The guilty parties are usually her brother and sisters. She's found a way to have them comply, without resorting to bitching. She's the best cook in the family. Nothing comes from the stove until everyone has cleaned up their own mess. In her words, "otherwise they will have to live on bananas."

As wants go, I think this one is pretty mild and only serves to make it a more comfortable home.

Before getting married we talked about jewellery. We looked at some nice jewellery, but Nova told me she doesn't care one little bit about jewellery, and she'd rather see the money put into the land and a truck. So we settled on some very nice looking costume jewellery that cost a total of $35. We got a really nice looking wedding dress for $10 and we were set. I tried a hypothetical question around jewellery. What if we make 10 million dollars, then do you want some jewellery? She said she would like a nice wedding ring and then we could use the money to help children who can't go to school.

She's my kind of cheapskate. Nova loves to get an awesome deal and only then , is she happy to part with a little bit of money. She bought three very nice looking outfits at second-hand places, last week. The total cost was under $5.

It's been my experience that some women want you to spend money frivolously, while others would drop you like a hot potato if you did exactly the same thing. I no longer have to worry about what women want. I only need concern myself with the one I married, and she seems to want the exact same things that I do.

Her other wants are so simple. She wants me to always be nice to her and treat her with respect. She wants to be included in any big decision that would affect both of us. She wants me to do work where I'm able to be at home each night. And that's pretty much it. She hasn't come up with one want or need that I find frivolous or hard to deliver upon.
 
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Location: Toivola, Michigan
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I am a 59 yo female, straight, retired academic who is re-homesteading a 100 yo farm in Michigans UP which needs a lot of tlc. Am doing everything solo at present which is OK.
As I very much am intellectually curious, an avid reader, highly active and fit, with a serious work ethic, I’d wish to find someone with similar characteristics. I give back to the community by helping my fellow Elders. Though I’m smallish, I’m also strong. Most folk do best with those with similar background and values and I’m no exception. I have been online and seem to attract older dudes who lived irresponsibly and are now on their last legs financially and live in precarious circumstances. That or serious rednecks that assume I am too because of location. Homesteading requires dedication, responsibility, and hard work as you all well know. I made responsible life decisions and any future partner needs to too, I’m not a therapist or a rescuer. One must be healthy, strong to homestead, especially alone; I have a few great neighbors that’d love to help but they’re so overweight that it’s ME, the lil Professor that’ll be helping them pretty soon. Drug use and excessive alcohol is off the table as is a need for constant entertainment via TV etc. I’m off grid.
Cheers,
Miskwa
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I want a partner in the adventure of turning my 6 acres into an organic micro homestead.  With a long term goal of selling and buying larger property in the mountains once I become more fluent in the art of permaculture and homesteading.  
I have a building with a wood stove and electric for you to live in.  I’m looking for someone with skills in building, electrical/solar, and homesteading.
I have to children and one is severely autistic.
I can physically see a difference in her behavior when eating organically. Depending on her development over the next few years, I’d love to live off grid eventually.  Perhaps in a community or maybe the universe will see fit to introducing me to my last love.
Until then I plan to practice on a small scale as I need to stay local OH for therapist for my daughter.
I fear I’d I don’t get this project going soon, I will give up on my dream and sell and move to a house in the suburbs, because this is quite a lot to accomplish in my own with the schedule I have

If you’re looking for a change, or in transition, this may sound appealing.
This is a partnership  I understand I’m seeking experience but don’t confuse that with dictatorship.
No narcissist, alcoholic or drug adults.

Am I crazy? Is it a possibility to find someone who to aid and educate me in this venture?
We’ll see.

 
Posts: 115
Location: Fort Worth, TX
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Oh my. What an opportunity.  

I'm gonna keep this short.

Do I feel light or heavy when I'm with you? Connections are rare and come in all forms. Respect, emotional maturity and be cool headed. Be truthful and vulnerable.  Be bold and brave. Be silly and  fun. If you love yourself and accept yourself as is, then truthfully it's all in the hands of the universe to bring love together.  

I want to have a small farm and a lovely man to help build it together.  I want to explore and be challenged.  

Thanks for reading and I hope and have faith that good ones are out there.
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Posts: 33
Location: Portugal
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Aretha said it best:

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I guess for me that means not treating me like the enemy just because we disagree.
And not treating me like I'm less than him just because I'm a woman.

Friendship in a relationship is the most important thing for me.
Treat me how you treat your friends.
Simple as that.
 
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Well what I learned after reading this post thread is I haven't got a clue ;-)







 
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I've been on the fence about "advertising" myself. @ Doanne, I think you did an amazing/ brave job with awesome pictures! I think this is a good segway. So, I went and pulled out a journal from 2018, with my "list" for a "dream partner"... This may be totally unrealistic, but they all seem like deal breakers, ha ha. There are *seriously 23 items:
1.Creative Person (original musician/ artist/ etc)
2.Acceptance (evolution is great, but I'm lovable as is too)
3.Outside the box mind
4.Open-minded
5.Loves all (me, child, pets, home, etc)
6.Interdependant (united, not co-dependant, or totally seperate)
7.Mutual respect (where love meets honour)
8.Beautiful to me (healthy, gorgeous eyes)
9. Common sense/ life skills/ handy
10.Contributes in everything (no specifically "female" tasks)
11.Rock-solid-support (when truly needed)
12.Non-selfish, spiritual lovemaker (willing to be outdoors)
13. Positive habits (no booze/ tobacco/ hard drug addiction)
14. Romantic in simple ways
15. ***Monogamous***
16. Energetic connection
17.Eco-stewards-together/ working together/ permaculture
18. Similar foods (diversity, flavour-fun, real food)
19.Emotional Maturity (open communication, anger control)
20. Similar Values
21.Manifest together (see dream, action, become dream)
22. Dedicated to eternal personal development
23. Supreme nature lover
I just noticed I "reserved" the page beside it, hard to imagine a longer list... ha ha! (But... #24. Between 30-50 and male & #25. Lives within commuting range, or willing to re-locate to the West Coast of BC Canada/ so my daughter can see her dad too)
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gardener
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from author Estefanía Mitre:

"You deserve a lover who wants you disheveled . . . who makes you feel safe . . . who wants to dance with you . . . who never gets tired of studying your expressions . . . who listens when you sing, who supports you when you feel shame and respects your freedom . . . who takes away the lies and brings you hope.”
 
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I want a man who works hard, showers daily, and facilitates traditional male/female roles, treats me decently and is respectable. Non-emotional and confident. Not involved in social media. It could all be very simple so long as everyone follows the rules and does their part. F 29 TX
 
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Jennifer Richardson wrote:I’ll play! The brutally honest version:

First and most crucially, I want a man whose company I don’t feel relieved to be rid of/actually look forward to being around. There are lots of really great men who, through no fault of their own, do not meet this criteria. I am an introvert and a loner, so it is extremely rare for me to not think, after any given social engagement, including virtually all dates, “Thank god, now I can take off all my clothes and sprawl out and read about rope splicing or whatever in BLESSED SILENCE without anyone existing near me. YAY.” And then, if he wants to see me again, I am like, “Ugh, but I was going to lie in the bathtub with my tea and think about trees, I will tell him I already have plans.” This filter is honestly kind of a problem for me, and is probably 98% of the reason I’m still single. Things that help him along include him liking to read, liking his alone time, being an interesting and wide-ranging conversationalist, being able to hang out without having to socialize or be entertained constantly, and generally having other interests he can go pursue without hanging on me all the time. Things that kill it include coming on too strong, being “charming” or flattering (this just makes me uncomfortable), being too puppyish, being a go-go-go-let’s-party-let’s-go-do-something excessively energetic type, generally being demanding or pushy or critical (as a personality trait or pattern of behavior), or being a boring dude with no significant interests or opinions (if his main hobbies are watching TV and sports, RUN).

I want to be physically attracted to the guy. I don’t have a single “type”; I can fall for tall/dark/exotic, or kind of delicate/pale & interesting/scholarly type, or urbane and gentlemanly, or outdoorsy in a particular way, but I must confess that the beer-gutted, balding, doughy-torso-shirtless-lawn-mowing good ol’ boys of my hometown don’t generally do it for me. All that being said, there was one guy I had a totally mysterious crush on in my early twenties; he was about my height (5’6”), pale in a kind of dead fish way, borderline obese, had a bushy black beard (I don’t like facial hair), and had these goofy round rosy cheeks and a general resemblance to a garden gnome. He literally lived in his parents’ basement and lived off Mountain Dew and played video games in all his free time. I tried to seduce him with tabletop gaming and long discussions about our favorite fantasy novels, but he never would take the bait. Point being, sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t, often it makes no sense, but there’s gotta be a spark.

I can go for a pretty wide age range, from about 19 to mid/late 40s (I’m 30), maybe even a bit older if they carry it with panache, but my preference is someone about my own age.

I really prefer to be in charge of things, in terms of general life plans and how things are done. Like, I am not a control freak and do not at ALL want to micromanage anyone ever, but if I decide there is something significant I want to be doing or somewhere I choose to go, or a project I want to take on, I am not happy being thwarted, although I can just about tolerate having to discuss it with someone first, and can maybe compromise? I would almost always rather give up the relationship than give up whatever thing it is I have decided to do. This is an especially hard row to hoe, in that I often want to do non-mainstream things (homesteading, long-distance hiking, living in my vehicle or aboard a boat, etc.) and there are not an enormous number of guys who are willing to just shrug and go along with that. Even fewer of them who are not spineless deadbeats or excessively woo-woo hipsterish sensitive artist/musician types (not really my thing, especially if they use drugs, and regular/heavy drinking/drugs are a no). He doesn’t necessarily have to join in with all my projects, just not hassle me about doing what I want and/or be willing to tag along when necessary, but it would be cool if we could partner up on some of my weird enthusiasms. I would be willing to go along with some of his stuff too...unless I think it’s dumb or boring.

Obviously I would eventually need to be in love with the man and be certain that he loved me back, as a complete person of whom he actually has some understanding. I need to trust the guy and be trusted. Mutual respect and admiration. Intellectual rapport. Compatible senses of humor. We can’t stress each other out all the time or make each other miserable on an ongoing basis. The basics.

...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.



Holy Frog, J! I hear you. Ten thumbs up!
It isn't impossible though. I met someone who isn't too far off of do-able. We've been together now for 23 years.

-Kristina
 
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Bethany Dutch wrote:Hmm okay I'll bite. I'll paste in my blurb from my OKC profile.

I'm hoping to find someone who can be a friend first - a likeminded guy - and hopefully maybe have something more develop.

He's hard working, reliable, mature, intelligent, self motivated, ambitious and an out of the box thinker. He has goals in life, and is actively working towards achieving them. He's not an extremist and he appreciates independence in a woman.

Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime, not just someone to do laundry and cook for him. He probably isn't a city guy, but someone who thrives being outside in the wild. And yes - it would be a massive bonus if he is interested in homesteading/permaculture/sustainability/etc.



I could get a lot more specific - dealbreakers include drug use (pot included), anger issues, pornography, cheating, dishonesty, and general douchebaggery. Not particularly interested in video gamers or musicians.

Also of note is that he respects boundaries even if they aren't boundaries he would set himself, he doesn't expect me to do all his emotional labor (like sending mother's day cards to his mom, being the one to always make the phone calls and reservations, etc) and he is a rockstar at empathy and understanding that just because he doesn't feel the same way someone else does on an issue, doesn't mean their perspective is invalid or unimportant.

Extra huge massive bonus for someone who is mechanically inclined and handy.



You took the words right out my mouth 😊
 
Helen Butt
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Hugo Morvan wrote:Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes [...]
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!



Better to aim high than aim low.
 
Helen Butt
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Gail Gardner wrote:

Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.



I hope all the women you know aren't like that. We definitely are NOT all like that.



Hear hear!!
 
Helen Butt
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I realise that one of the most important things I am looking forward in a man is that he is an atheist. I don’t do religion and I don’t do hypocrisy (eg no sex before marriage but watching porn).

In general, it’s really important to me that we share values (like people, animals, be honest, reliable). And that we respect each other and have healthy boundaries.

Liking conversation is important to me.
 
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The ability to simply be exactly who we are is right at the top for me.

Naturally, there are other desirable qualities that we should share (some we can probably take for granted if meeting via permies ), the most important of which are kindness, intelligence and a solid sense of humour.  From there, I have a long laundry list of traits that earn bonus points, but these are the most foundational requirements for me.

Oh, a sincere love of all the marvels that winter in colder climes bring would also be awesome.

M.
 
pollinator
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I have to be attracted to him and him to me. He can't think I'm "too smart" or that I "think too much," and yes I have been told this. He has to be able to match me in both strength and intellect. He has to put up with my exploring mind, and hopefully even be interested enough to help when I go off on a tangent. If he has "tangents" of his own that I can play with, so much the better!

Similar values, but not agreeing with everything is OK, as long as he doesn't try to overpower me and change me to be what he wants. I've done the "color test" a number of times, and I'll add an addition there--I think the color square is actually a cube, and we each have an anti-color. I am definitely not a "red," but I don't get along well with red personalities. It brings out the anti-red in me and I go into rebellion mode. Someone tries to overpower me I fight back.

If he expects makeup, painted nails and a perfectly clean house he's going to be disappointed. I am not a doll with painted cheeks, and I refuse to pretend. Which I've been told is why I'm still single.

When I was in high school I had a hopeless crush on a young man a year older than me. I met him again a few months ago and we talked for a while as he waited for someone. He complained about how women just want money. We talked about how he wants to be a musician (he wanted the same in high school). I asked him why he doesn't pursue it and he talked about the demands of his business. He said "The business buys the bling," and he flashed a "watch" at me that if real was probably worth 50k or more. I looked at it, looked at him, and he says "Not your style, huh?" Then his girlfriend pranced up (6 inch heels, hair plaster and skin plaster, swiveling her butt and trying not to act jealous that he was paying attention to me) and they walked away.

All I could think was that I was glad I escaped that one.
 
Posts: 38
Location: Barcelona
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Old married gal who can't resist putting in two cents:

To the fellas who "don't understand" the toilet seat issue, beyond feeling annoyed when a general quality of life request is repeatedly ignored and the real risk of accidentally sitting in toilet water (which ought to be enough IMO)...women when wiping put their hand in an intimate place we would like to keep clean; we don't want to have just touched the toilet seat. (Most of you guys like that place to be clean too!) I already wash my hands very, very frequently before cooking, while caring for kids, animals, etc. If I have to wash an extra time before I can use toilet several times a day because I have to put the seat down first it bugs me a lot. Yes I clean our toilet, but there's clean and there's clean. When a guy puts the seat back down (hopefully) he is about to wash his hands anyway.

I think it's normal to have a list of wants and deal breakers. I sure did. When putting it out there you might be best served by saying what you have to offer (not materially, but describing a good life you'd like to share with someone in a way that expresses gratitude and optimism.)

I think the what-I'm-looking-for part of things can be better framed as, "We are + describing qualities and values you hope to have in common." We're all hypocrites about some things and lack self knowledge sometimes, but those things may jump out at you if your expectations are at a level YOU don't meet with that 'we' statement. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when (bald) George Costanza describes in great detail his ideal woman's perfect hair? There sure were a lot of Georges in my path before I found my guy - especially in the "healthy/fit/takes care of herself (they meant physically)" realm. They had the same full-time desk job bods I did, but judged mine differently than their own. (It was good to know my husband wasn't a fatphobe as I carried 6kg of his twins to term! And that as we grow old together he understands what an adult body is like even if his fantasy is younger and firmer.)

I married outside my culture; Different customs, expectations and language(s) can get in the way. Sometimes a video of an American guy standing by his old truck proudly showing off a chicken coop he built (or whatever) tugs at my heartstrings still. But in the rough patches of marriage it's the wish to be alone rather than the wish for someone else that's hardest for me. I was great at being alone and providing for myself. There's strength in that for those who are still looking. Partnership is a lot of work. (People in happy relationships who don't think so may have a partner who's doing the heavy lifting ;) )

You choose your person not just once, but daily - and they need to keep choosing you, too.

Sending good wishes to the seekers. May you find.

E
 
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I agree with: Dale Hodgins

I have everythignyou asked for in the original message. I am 32 graduate no kids no pets, 6'4" 200lbs green-hazel eyes, pisces, no tatoos, Jesus follower, Spiritual path, the closer to nature the closer to God. Born and raised in rural area, permaculture, until 15 years old, then lived in Boston area 17 years where I run a Home improvemement/renovations business.

text me: 508 571 6109
or email: richardcallings@gmail.com
 
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Hello
I am a 65 year old divorced mom who have careers and their own.  

I live in the City and I hate it. My dream is to move to a rural area or country with animals around me.

I have taught children with disabilites but have spent the last three years caring for the elderly. I have a PCA certificate.

I would love to live with someone who may need help or a good friend or companion.

I am hard working, loyal, compassionate, good listener, and enjoy having a special friend.

A family that is worrying about a loved one i promise you will be in good hands with me.

I do not mind being there 7 days a week just want to fulfill my dream and get out of the cuty.

I am a simple person and really am not looking for anything. Just want to help make someone comfortable and happy and i can see green grass and smell that fresh air.

You are welcomed to do a background check on me. I also am on Facebook.

If interested even a little my email address is hana6petersen@gmail.com . Hopefully we can make each other happy.

Thank you so much for reading this.

Kathy
 
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Helen Butt wrote:Better to aim high than aim low.



Hello, I too, thought this thought for most of my life.  Over the last several years I have practiced letting things, like my expectations, go.  They seem, expectations, cause a lot of stress on a lot of aspects of life. Letting them go doesn't mean passivity, or being a doormat.  It means you don't even waste your time considering it.  Those red flags can be seen way before we start  considering them, if we are aware.  Sadly, those pheromones kick in and our awareness gets a bit cloudy.
 
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I have found reading all these posts interesting.
I was surprised at this comment

Because there's a large Cesspool of men, who may not be so trustworthy.



I have always felt respect is the only issue for me.
I noticed Anna mentioned it as well, based on  Aretha Franklins song..

I treat women as I wish to be treated.
Acceptance of the differences between people. Respect for body , mind and feelings.
 
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