I hope your project succeeds! You're pursuing a worthwhile goal here.
I clicked through to your Kickstarter page, so maybe I can offer some feedback. I've only read it once, just like your donors. (One challenge with writing a long piece like that is, you spend so much time on it that it becomes familiar, and you can't see it with fresh eyes. That's where your Permies friends come in- we're fresh eyes for you.)
1. The very first thing that jumps out to me is the logo. That would be good if the logo gave me some information regarding what you're about, but it doesn't. The contrasting color, larger size, and centered arrangement grabs your attention. It would be wise to use that attention-grabbing power to deliver your message.
2. Not gleaning anything from the logo, I went next to these things, in this order:
a. The headline
b. The cover image of the video c. The first paragraph, "our story"
d. The rest of the paragraph headings.
I make a point of not being pedantic about grammar. I don't correct people on Facebook, or in person, or on Permies. Because most of the time, it's really no big deal. But one place where grammar, spelling, formatting, and word choice ARE a big deal is when you're writing sales copy. You've got four major errors before the end of the first sentence of the first paragraph. You absolutely have to clean that up. I know you're not trying to teach English, but if you're going to teach anybody anything, you've got to show that you can either handle written English, or that you have the self-awareness to hire someone to handle written English for you.
That's the easy part. Write it correctly.
Here's the harder part. What exactly you're doing and why I should care about it, they're buried.
Early on, I can gather that you're hoping to have a training center for inner-city youth. Ok. A charter school? Day camp? Paid classes on weekends? Oh, here it is: "We are able to provide after school and weekend programs for them through generous donations and subsidies."
Second sentence of the sixth paragraph, I finally learn what you're doing. That's way, way, way too late. You've got to give me this specific information somewhere findable. Not the boring stuff like whether you're meeting on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, but the fact that we're talking about an after-school program, I need to know that.
Next, what does this have to do with me and my money? Well, we've got a little bit about the planet being doomed. And a little bit about a sense of a sense of pride for some number of young people from someplace. I do live on this planet, yes, but what's that got to do with giving you my money? And some youths' feeling of pride? Heck, am I even going to get to see them looking proud?
See where I'm going? No reason yet for me to buy this. It might seem weird to think of this as selling something, since you're asking for donations. But it's not different. What you're selling is just intangible, that's all. So first you've got to decide what it's going to be. Most of the time, that's going to be a sense of belonging. When someone contributes to you, they get to be part of a desirable tribe. See what Paul's done with his daily emails and his secret inner forum, etc. Not to mention Wheaton Labs itself- lots of us wish we were living there, having that exciting adventure, but we can't. So the next best thing is to back one of his ventures, or take a workshop, or read and post of Permies. By doing that, even though we're not with the really cool people in Missoula, we still get to belong.
Other times, you might be selling a sense of accomplishment (having DONE SOMETHING about the problem), maybe even a sense of being a good person, but really I'd say what you're trying to sell is that sense of belonging. You can't have my money because the planet is doomed. There's no connection between those two things. You can't have my money because some kids somewhere are hooked on video games. There's no connection between those two things either. But if getting out my wallet makes me part of a group I want to belong to, then where do I sign. I'm ready.
I want to be a part of something awesome. You're awesome. Sell it to me.
I hope this comes across the way I intend, in a spirit of generosity, and not bashing or negative. You're on a worthy mission- keep it up!
posted 6 years ago
Amaze-balls! Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to evaluate the page for me! Your feedback was VERY constructive and I thank you for that!!! I agree with everything you mentioned. I definitely needed a pair of fresh eyes. I'm glad I came to the right place! I'm gonna get working on the items you pointed out!