Apparently, "wheaton's law" is "don't be a dick" which is, largely, to encourage sportsman-like behavior. I think that if A points to B and says "don't be a dick" and B's response is "okay" - then I think that is a fair application of "wheaton's law." B was getting a bit carried away with rejoicing, and maybe talking a bit too much smack. B recognizes this, agrees with the analysis, and cools his jets.
As a stepping stone to "wheaton's corollaries" I need to first introduce "wheaton's dick score". A simple tool to move to a larger point.
I wish to start off by stating a given: some people are bigger dicks than others. Therefore, it is fair question to ask "how much bigger?" which then requires a scale. For the point I am about to make, I don't need a perfect scale, I just need one that is "good enough".
This is a zero to 100 scale. The number assigned to a person might change over the years. Most of the population has a score of about 50. It is not possible to get a score over 100 or below zero. Scores of 10 to 100 are for dicks. Scores of less than 10 are for lovely people.
Scoring:
Note that in the following chart, "don't be a dick" could be replaced with "don't be an asshole" or "don't be a douchebag" or "don't be a cunt" or "don't be a fuckwit" or "don't be a shithead" or dozens of other possibilities. It could also include "stop being a dick", "dick much?" "are you done being a dick now?" etc. The key is that the english language allows a rich variety of poetry that bears the command to another to change their behavior.
| A says | B says | the call | A scoring | B scoring | conclusion |
|---|
| don't be a dick | okay | falls under the scoring for "wheaton's law" | -1 | +1 | helpful. thanks bro! |
| don't be a dick | YOU don't be a dick | both parties are normal human beings | if score is less than 60, score is increased to 60. Otherwise +3 | if score is less than 40, score is increased to 40. Otherwise +1 | A is the greater dick for having wandered off topic. |
| don't be a dick | (no response to being a dick) or (reference to this document) or "Yes, I suppose, by your standards, I am a dick, and, by your standards, I suppose I will continue to disappoint you" | Person B has shown a noble and excellent response. Well played. | if score is less than 70, score is increased to 70. Otherwise +20 | If score is greater than 40, then score is reduced to 40. Otherwise -20 | If A can admit that B has won this round, then A is allowed to continue the discussion. Otherwise, I proclaim that B has won the argument. Congratulations B. |
Now I wish to exercise my right as some nitwit on the internet to make up a law. My last name is also wheaton, so I must respect the law of dibs and allow "wheaton's law" to stand. Therefore, I need to distinguish this new law from that law.
At the same time, I wish to add to the existing law. Therefore, the word "corollary" is appropriate. This is, effectively, a summary of the last row in the above table.
Wheaton's Law Corollary 1:
If a person, A, expresses to another person, B, "don't be a dick" (or some variation) and person B does not respond in kind (variations of "no, YOU are a dick") then person B has expressed truly noble behavior and has left person A as appearing to be a bonafide dick. If person A cannot own this new status, then I proclaim that person B has won the argument.
I wish to summarize some points I made in
another thread about the phrase "don't be a dick".
Wheaton's Law Corollary 2:
Dick state is:
- an expression that two people have two different value sets which generally leads to different opinions
- relative and subjective (different folks will have different ideas of what "dick" means)
- almost always reflective (if A thinks B is a dick, then B thinks A is a dick) (please note
wheaton's law of reflective douchebaggery)
Wheaton's Law Corollary 3:
When a person says "don't be a dick", this message includes the following subtext:
- "Your behavior is unacceptable. I am commanding you to recognize the master/slave relationship we have where I am the master and you are the slave. And I am commanding you to obey me."
- "This statement has properties of a 'Jedi Mind Trick' - I know that it only works on the weak minded. Therefore, I think you are so weak minded that will fall for it."
Wheaton's Law Corollary 4:
You cannot suggest that somebody is a dick without being a dick.
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