Panic at Sunrise

Have any of you experienced regular bouts of anxiety about your small farm enterprise?
Have you ever had a sudden flash of "normal" thinking where the life you used to lead makes more sense and what you're trying to do suddenly seems as daft as everyone else tells you it is?
Since taking the plunge into 40 acres of rocks and tree roots, I will sometimes wake up from my wooly dreams like this:

"Oh. No. What on earth was I thinking? I gave up everything and gained nothing. How did this happen?
I dropped everything and moved halfway across the country, and dumped my life's savings into something a "real farmer" would never dream of looking at. I really am as crazy as everyone says I am.
I like sheep. My land has neither pasture nor well.
I like solid shelter. My land has none.
I just did all this because I don't like corporate or debt, all on the faith that these principles behind permaculture will work. Faith! I don't know a damn thing about farming!
I'm going to die out in middle of the woods with a spade stuck in a rock and a coyote chewing on my ankle.
I'm totally screwed."

This morning I woke up with the gut-clenching realization that my future livestock would need a ton of water, and I didn't have an immediate solution for that. Waking up with an inner argument about ponds vs cisterns and what to do in the dry seasons is not pleasant.

Is this normal?

just one day at a time and pretty soon things get easier and 30 years have gone by, trust me ALL of us had thought this at one time or other.  you can do this !!!

Is this normal? Yes.
I call mine "mini panic attacks". It happens when you doubt your abilities/capabilities. Everyone does this to a certain degree. It could be at any life changing crossroad - a marriage, divorce, birth, new career, new homestead... Change is scary.  I've "jumped off in faith" many frightening times. I've left the security of the familiar to dive head first into the blind, uncertain abyss. Your heart tells you it's the right move, but your head tries to rationalize and analyse, creating doubt. But don't give up. You have to picture what you want and keep saying, "I can do this. And, in time, it will be something I can be proud of." Start by focusing on the water alone and think about the livestock when the time is right.

And what were you waking up thinking every day before you moved?  Is this all my life is?  Am I never going to go after a dream?  Something compelled you to move.

Our inner critics are very persuasive, needlessly so.

Quite often.

Today my ever suffering spouse had a meltdown and felt much better after a melt break for fluids, a snack, and a bit of rest.

I consider it to be a normal thing. As long as you keep on with doing what you need to.

I am in the same process now and scared as well. And then I think of if I were to live m y life like most participating in the "American dream", and I am no longer scared.

As mentioned above, one day at a time.  Understand what you can do TODAY, and do it.  One step at a time until you're at the top.

Thank you guys!
I'm so glad to know this might be somewhat normal. I had a book I liked as a kid....something about a train climbing a hill, starting out, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...."
If people have started here and ended up there, I can do it, too, dagnabit.
Sure wish I could reign in that deep-seated voice inside that likes to parrot my less-supportive acquaintances, though. Ha.

I try to find something that makes me happy when it all seems to be going downhill or into the compost. That bindweed I missed is so lovingly covering that bean trellis and it is blooming it's heart out and it smells heavenly. I will stop to appreciate it, have a few good smells, maybe take a picture-then weed warrior it into not existing anymore. The rest of that garden patch, same thing, I had blinked and it went ugly, but. I still have to weed it. Still for a moment I found the beautiful bit. Or, I spent all day out there, I hurt so bad and need three bandaids and two sliver removals but. The pot of three-beans stew I had left simmer on low all day... is perfuming the air. Sitting down with a bowl of that, and savoring the fruits of why I hurt like this...

You can do it!  

Deb, your post made me laugh.  "I blinked and it went ugly."!  Oh the story of my life.

Doubts and panic I think are just normal.  I moved to Africa, in the third world.  I have epic panic attacks!  My friend calls that voice of doubt the "itty bitty sh*tty committee" in her head.  Just shut it down and do the next thing on the list.