Dez Choi wrote:POST 48 (DAY 54, Saturday, 2020.10.03)
[Morning Entry] .. A Long, Easy Morning
4:30AM--Open eyes after 6 hrs of deep sleep.. feeling pretty rested, but its a Saturday.. so eyes smile back to slumber..
7:00AM--Wake up gently to my tiny watch-alarm that beeps 10 times.. good BM today.. (tmi? maybe..? You know how sometimes its just that good? Hey, its just the other end of good food right? ok i'm done..).. Clean out the dish rack, per my usual.. Spilled some lentil sprouts while extracting eggs from a stuffed fridge--so, I gut the fridge and reorganize it..
8:30AM--Cook and breakfast for four (Jade, Marshall, Josiah, et moi): breakfast burritos (scrambled eggs on fresh tortilla with vegan spicy mayo and salsa, and fresh avocado) with salt & pepper scalloped fried taters side..
9:30AM--Do dishes clean the kitchen a little, then chill with kittens in the sun.. its a warm 60 deg today
10:00AM--Realize its nearly noon and feel somewhat guilty for not having done much with the day.. Last Saturday was pretty much all napping and lounging around doing nothing much.. which felt really awesome.. the word "Enough" comes to mind, to add contrast to the guilty feeling.. There was a time when guilt directed much of my life decisions; that lifestyle stopped a few years ago, when I became aware that that was the case.. all change begins with awareness.. with awareness, each individual has the choice to adjust course or maintain.. I had been feeling guilty for not being "enough".. read a book by Brene Brown that someone had suggested about Worthiness and Being Enough.. changed my awareness, which then shifted my perspective, which led me to start talking to the mirror in a positive light.. I told myself "hey, you're enough, even when you may not feel like it.. you are loved and lovable.. you are worthy of your ideal.." ..The ritual became telling myself something like this in the mirror after each shower.. At first, I didn't want to because an inner mocking voice would make me feel silly about encouraging myself.. I was shy about it, and I did it anyway.. At times, I even talked back to that inner mocking voice--someone has to~! That inner mocking voice can be a bully.. And I stand up to bullies if/when they instigate with me.. As a youth, being bullied was a reality at school.. I didn't know it was okay to stand up to them.. at one point I even saw myself becoming the bully--and a bystander stood up and said "stop".. I knew I was being a jerk, so that was exactly what I needed to 1) snap out of projecting my insecurities in a mean way to others, and 2) recognize that I did not want to continue in that path.. Today, I stand up to external and internal bullies, with a gentle firmness.. because ain't nobody got time for that~!.. let's go in a positive direction, or at least show up with our manners steadfast.. Today, if I feel guilt, I took time to sit, breathe, and reassess my drive.. and if I cannot find the source of guilt, then I set it down and review my list of things I want to do.. our fellow Boots, Jade and Marshall, effectively said to me, "enjoy your Saturday".. and I like that thought.. sometimes I feel an anxiety from thinking there's something I "should" be doing--so this is when the list comes in handy.. the list of things I WANT to have done.. and i like that thought--a list of enjoyment and peace..
10:30AM--Come back to FPH for 2nd breakfast--dutch babies a la Marshall (this time with yogurt in the batter), and text a friend..
11:15AM--Write BRK while relaxing on the couch and thinking about my plot and/or other things I want to do..
12:00PM--Load up Doug and go chop some firewood =D
Enjoy the pics~!