Bethany Dutch wrote:
I've recently been talking quite a bit online with a man who seems to be very compatible and likeminded with me. However, he is a little "too" flirty. I've told him a few times that I don't really feel sexual attraction for someone unless I get to know them really well first (with the idea that we'd get to know each other and see what happens) and he'd at first say "oh yeah I totally get that, I'll back off on the flirting" and then before I know it, he's edging into sexual territory again. This happened several times, and then yesterday I took some time and discussed with him in detail how I really am uninterested in that sort of thing since I barely know him but then not 15 minutes later he started in on it again. I thought maybe before he didn't quite understand what I meant, but I know at that point yesterday I had made it fully clear.
Sarah Koster wrote:I think you're totally reasonable to think that's a red flag, him either not caring that you've set a boundary or lacking the self-control to respect it. I'd have to say my biggest regret in like... all my past relationships is ignoring my gut when something bothers me. My gut has always been right, my desire to give people the benefit of the doubt has never been, well, beneficial. Sure, guys can be impulsive hornballs when excited about a new relationship, and maybe act out of character. But their behavior is usually at its BEST at the start of a relationship, when a guy's most eager to impress. If his behavior is problematic now, don't expect it to improve.
Mistakes can be forgiven. They should never be forgotten, however. Repeating the same mistakes cannot be forgiven. Also: If a person thinks that something is OK and that something offends you, that's pretty seriously fucked up as far as having a serious long term relationship goes. Your X was bound to trample your boundaries until you didn't even know what they were. You did do the right thing by getting out of that marriage, sister. All the strength to you in your search.
It reminds me of my ex husband - he did some really shitty things to me and I called him out on it when I told him I wanted a divorce and he said it was mistakes and he wanted me to forgive him but the truth is, some of those were BIG things and the very fact that he was the type of person that thought those things were ok to do in the first place was what I was pushing back against.
Roberto pokachinni wrote: If a person thinks that something is OK and that something offends you, that's pretty seriously fucked up as far as having a serious long term relationship goes.
Dale Hodgins wrote:It sounds to me like he's male and he's accustomed to moving things along much faster. If he's only talking, I would go with it and see if he's got any weird inclinations. You might start off with your so pretty and he might end with let's get all three of your sisters involved. Of course, I've said stuff like that just for fun, to see what the reaction is. But if he's got something really weird going on, it won't be something that he's able to hold in.
I have talked to a few women who went in that direction very early, and it usually turns out that they are very needy. Or they are just plain weird. One told me that she wanted me to punch her and call her a slut. That little relationship ended 30 seconds later.
I'm pretty sure that keeping them at arms length for a long time, would limit the pool, to guys who don't have much sex drive. So you need to decide if this is something you want to accomplish. Eventually, many perfectly suitable suitors, will give up. There's a lot of women out there.
I've heard it said before, somewhere, that Love is an Action. It is a verb. It needs to be demonstrated by doing things. It is not a noun that can be isolated as a thing that is abstract. One can not simply say, "I love you." That's not enough. It is empty of reality. If that person has his or her hand on your shoulder or is looking meaningfully into your eyes (not in a goo goo romantic way, but in a way that shows that they are truly tender in their affection), or they have done something that demonstrates their true devotion to you, then that is very different than just the words. Talk is cheap. Action is where the rubber meets the road, and real progress can be made with a long-term relationship.
Someone's actions and their words need to be in alignment. They shouldn't just say they love you but also show you they love you. If they say they respect you but show that they don't, believe that. It doesn't matter what they say if they don't act in sync with that.
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