A couple of thoughts come to me reading this.
One, in life we're usually faced with a choice; be the person who everyone likes, or be the person who gets stuff done. Very rarely can we ever be both.
Two, in almost all situations, we are either the giver (host, etc.) or the receiver (student, guest, etc.). It's always seemed very clear to me that if I am the giver, be it a ride in my car, an experience I'm offering, or anything else, my needs are to be accommodated. If I'm the receiver, I need to pay close attention to what the giver needs.
Like you, I'm baffled when that's apparently not obvious. Unlike you, I usually don't stand up for myself and just let my opinion of the transgressor diminish. My ambitions are small, however, so I can get away with this. Your ambitions, Paul, are large, so I think you should waste no energy on those who don't get it. Lead (you are), follow (they should), or deal with the justified wrath of an overall-wearing giant. The ability to deal with that kind of frankness, like the ability to wear a name tag, should be the price of admission. If you don't get it, then you don't get to get it.