Rufaro Makamure

The girls found some old graduation hats in the house and they wore them singing a shona song "nhasi ndezvedu" which means "today it is our turn." This is all I want for them, daring to dream and putting an effort in seeing their dreams through. I don't even know if school will do anything for them, but this is what is being termed the most important thing in their lives for now. It would be good if, in any given situation they can believe they can make it.

Today was my first big hurdle in class. We got to a topic in matrices, and it was difficult for one of the girls. No matter how I tried explaining the concept she was not getting it until it seemed like she had just developed an attitude or she just shut down and she started crying. I was not too happy either because I kept on saying one thing in so many different ways and it wasn't working. I felt like whatever was going on had nothing to do with maths. But we got to talk alone about why she was crying and it turns out it was because I had told her that I felt like she had developed an attitude towards what we were doing.

We talked and got to be on the same page and we are now understanding each other. I am glad to say she can multiply matrices and she still likes maths and me.

My trap drowned two rats and I  had forgotten all about it. I am really happy.

We had an amazing Easter, we celebrated our birthday as well as Tariro's. Now we are back to books and things are flowing. The little ones do not have much activity and one of them constantly disturbs me when I am teaching the older ones. Today I made the younger ones plant a baobab tree and they were so excited to do it and it gave me some time without interruptions during class. I discovered that one of the kids who is doing A-level biology is struggling, she actually was trying to push me away from her studies but once she let me in I noticed it was because she finds biology difficult. I also think biology is hard, but I  cannot say this to her and I now need to also help her with it. I have to read biology, something I would not have planned to do any time soon.

I went to the plot and the patch that has vegetables looks good, but the space that has weeds, is way too much. The sweet potatoes  have not been weeded. I wanted to see how far can be done at the plot without too much meddling and it's not enough to sustain the one family living at the plot. So I need to come up with a different way of handling things at the plot.

Yesterday, before we went to bed I realized that one of the girls was isolating herself more and more. Before we went to bed, I asked what her problem was and she mentioned how she disliked dancing. I had not picked this up and it surprised me. She did struggle with some moves, but it wasn't bad. I tried to make her see that we need to find a way of balancing life and in most cases the things that are nice to look at, take effort, even if it's for recreation. She naturally takes more time to blend in and even if she does eventually connect, she will still be having her guard up.
In the morning I heard the kids practicing and when I peeped, all of them were working on their dance routine. They even came to show us what they were working on. What made it a happy moment is that the other ones seem to be finding a way to make dance more exciting to the little one as well as the one who had said she dislikes dancing. At least they now have some time of their own that they will not be on phones and also they are beginning to share a common activity which they can do together, which is helping them to create room to be more open with each other.

We managed to get a dance coach for the kids and they were so excited to dance. The little one was too intimidated to even try, he just watched the others dance.
For school I have started but it's mostly maths for the ones that are writing this year.

We had a successful lunch. My sister is back and the kitchen is hers. I was worried about the eating of vegetables, but it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. The older girls are asking if they can be put on a fattening diet with a lot of fat, so that when they go back to school they won't look like they are coming from a place of need. I know they know that too much of fat is bad, I am trying to understand what they think is important in their lives, the image they potray to people, or the quality of life that they can have, due to the choices they make.

I will be receiving my first guest today and I am nervous. The times they would come in the past holidays a lot of things did not matter much as long as we would have a good time. They would all sleep in one room, we would squeeze two beds in the room and they hardly had moving space and they were okay with it. I  dont want them to be okay with a lower life quality and we are ready to upgrade their sleeping arrangements a little bit. The other bedroom had  a big crack and it was open that we could see the outside, so we had turned it into a store room and it was filled with things. During the rainy season we managed to have the cracks filled and some underpinning was done, so we have two bedrooms for the kids. I have just managed to finish both rooms and to create a space that makes them feel special hopefully. I used an old wine holding cabinet as a provisional dressing table, I hope this will all feed in their subconscious minds the fact that they matter and they deserve life's fine things. Also we are using old things I am using old things we already have so that they get rud if the excuse we usually give of not having enough money to improve our living conditions.

I am worried about the cracks that were worked on, because it's not six months yet since the job was done and already cracks are starting to show. The weak point cuts across the house which meant multiple walls had a growing crack.

Mai Kumbi has been amazing, she has been sending her kids occasionally to bring vegetables from the field and she brought my share of our produce sales. A few months ago it never occurred to her that I might need things or money whether it was for me, and since our talk she is more aware of the fact that we all need to benefit from the plot. I will be teaching her child, instead of her paying for holiday lessons and this is to balance out the time I am not going to the plot as I am assessing their progress.

I woke up in the middle of the night and I decided to listen to music and fold clothes in my wardrobe. I always seem to mess it up, now that I have a line up of clothes I will wear, I think I won't have to dig through the wardrobe when I change, trying to figure out what to wear. Therefore the wardrobe has to be in order for most of the time at least for when the kids are around so that I can be a good role model.

In the midst of this I strongly feel I heard gunshots outside, based on how guns sound in movies and it was terrifying because it sounded so close. Last week mai Kumbi mentioned there were gunshots they heard close to the plot. Guns were only real on TV and it seems like it's becoming our reality. I so hope I am wrong. Within a few minutes after I heard the supposedly gun shots, I began to turn a T-shirt which was amongst my sister's clothes and it turns out it's a T-shirt I lost in 2017 I think, which has so much meaning because I had received it as a gift. I had it mixed with her clothes when I visited her and it's still new. I had the back of it facing me and the lines on the T-shirt came one by one, as I was turning it ( I am not exaggerating anything, it was so dramatic) and only after the third line did it dawn on me that it was my T-shirt. The panic mode quickly disappeared because I do not believe in coincidences and I  think I was receiving a message to  not worry and to only concern myself with things I can change and, to be the change I want to propagate. Of course I am known to numb feelings when I am in a space that scares me the most, and being alone right now had shaken me but I am so calm and I am not afraid. I will  continue with.my music and folding of clothes until I feel sleepy.

One of the kids has confirmed she will be arriving on Monday. My sister is not back yet to work on the menu so I am continuing to work on a temporary menu. We have plenty of soya beans which should help us to have a lot of protein in our meals. I had been struggling to make anything tasty with the beans and the milk will not be feasible for a bigger group considering we are only getting power between 10pm and 4am, which makes blending the beans a little difficult. Two days ago I found a way that will work with the kids and which will leave me with enough time to teach. I will have some days where I can make porridge which has, roasted ground soya beans, as well as peanut butter. I will add a fruit to make it more tasty.

The other thing I have done is to look into alternative ways of earning money and I have decided to sell peanut butter a few bottles have been picked but things are still so slow. I made a poster and advertised in our local group and one person saw my poster and they want one. I could earn money through this if the people who show interest in having posters actually  come around.