You are about the age of my daughters, and not more messed up. As a Christian you already know the big thing: its not about you. I spent my career getting paid to give advice and am struggling somewhat giving it up. I think you should take up vloging, it is not nearly as hard to learn as Japanese, there are many free and paid courses on line to learn. Stop worrying about how you look seem or feel, get behind the camera. Few are doing much of a vlog on Permaculture, probably because editing video is way down the chore list, So learn to vlog, ghost some Permie group, When you have an income then go to Japan. We know there are Permaculturists in Japan but they are not on youtube, you have a subject, content, audience, and we know there are Americans in Japan making a living vlogging. You are already articulate, but you need a subject. There may even be someone out there in Permi-land who would house and feed you in exchange for doing their vlog, at least for a short term.