Jaimie Mantzel wrote:I've been off grid for... like 20 years...? Something like that. At first I had a girlfriend. Things were difficult and slow. Too much time was wasted on arguing, and endlessly explaining why we have to do this or that before the winter comes so we don't freeze.
Then I was single, and holey banana's, things progressed amazingly well. I was a little lonely when the sun went down sometimes, but in daylight, I was making things, and moving things, and being a man, and escaping death, and cooking on an open fire like a savage, and I built an amazing place with an amazing workshop, and, it was awesome. Solitary, but awesome.
Then I met a girl. She wanted to live in my place because I had a huge house, and I didn't charge her rent. She wasn't in the way too much, and it was nice having someone around. She got comfortable. ....really comfortable. I moved, she came, lots of life happened. I carried her for years, and it got gradually harder and harder.
Just recently, skipping loads of details, I stopped taking care of her. She's on her own, and so am I.
It is incredible. I didn't realize how much work I was putting into just keeping her from destroying everything until it was gone. I estimate 2/3 of my time and energy was going to stopping her from breaking things, or fixing things she's broken, or convincing her to not screw something up, or just arguing about nothing because she sat on her butt all day thinking about things to argue about. The relief is profound. I've been able to sleep soundly again, and I can make progress on huge goals without constant back steps. I feel like I weigh half what I did before, and I'm twice as strong, and can think more clearly. Everything has been better since.
..and now my dilemma. Not just my dilemma. The dilemma of a lot of people. I don't want to be alone. I do, however, want to be this amazing guy who feels good about himself, and what he's doing. ...which I currently do. I want to meet a beautiful, considerate, hard working, caring, basically amazing woman who will add value to my life.... to our life... who I can take care of, and make smile, and pour passion into her heart, and we can motivate each other ...but it's a rare thing to find. ...and I might have to go through 100 black holes of darkness and despair before I find one who meshes with me. So... what to do. If there was a guarantee that I'd one day meet that special lady, it would be an easy choice. ....but the idea of going through disappointment after disappointment endlessly is... pretty depressing.
The last few women I met... so not even close. So, for now, I will build my boat, and erect my bridge, and plant my sweet potatoes, and smile that I have things I can do that make me feel like i matter a little bit.
See! You get it!! Why doesn’t my husband? 😩
My thing is, if you/we were with the right person… You should be able to bring up what you want and it would be like… OK cool let’s go do that… Instead of fighting resistance. The church I go to is relatively new and it’s built around a bunch of farms… And on the way there I see a bunch of cows and I’m like… I could totally do that. Every time I go to the county fair, the cows are the first place I stop. Then the poultry barn. Farming is in my blood. My great grandparents owned a farm and of course they’ve both passed away but my great aunt lives there right now and she’s getting old and I’m trying to see if it can be handed down to me. I honestly don’t think that my husband would come though because it’s across the country.
