I know it's been so long since your post, I pray you've found much healing. Your post, voice, challenges come thru so raw and real, it struck me and I had to say you and your children will remain in my thoughts and prayers. You are a warrior. Blessings. I would love to know how you all are doing today.
Opal-Lia Palmer wrote:I'm so lost. Disconnected. I am trying to find my way back it will just take time and I won't ever be the same woman I was. Some of you know I lost Darryl my 20 year friend and husband July 2021. I found his lifeless body after he took his own life. That moment I was in complete shock and jumped out of my body, but I didn't realize I did that till now. I'm only now noticing I'm lost and trying to find my way back to self. A month after his sudden death I packed up and took my 2 children on an adventure. I couldn't stay in that house, I couldn't go in that room. I had PTSD, nightmares, I didn't sleep or eat much. I needed an escape. We hit the road and drove to Montana from Southern CA. I left and for the first time ever on one of my road trips I had this huge lump of fear in me I never had before, I realized my safety net back home ( darryl) was gone. Who would I call to vent, who would I call if I was stranded, who would I call if I needed help? He was my solid ground. Sadly not one person/ family or friend checked on me that entire 4 months when I first left. 4 months later we returned home packed our belongings and moved over 1,000 miles away from the only city I had ever called home in my whole 41 years on earth. I had always wanted to move just not like that. Over a year later I am so isolated from friends, family and the community I once had, it's hard. I love where I live, great healing is on its way and new beginnings some day in the distant future when the universe sees it to be time. But man shit sucks at the moment and it has since that day. I am so tired of being strong and to be the only one to take care of it all. The last year my 11 year old daughters health has taken a u-turn and she is seriously disabled she has some sudden nuro-muscular condition that was triggered somehow and can barely walk or do anything for herself, she can't get herself dressed or put her own shoes on. It's only a matter of time before a wheel chair is needed. My now 16 year old son spent Thanksgiving, his 16th birthday and Christmas all in 2022 in a hospital for his trauma and suicidal thoughts. We have all lost so much and now our family is torn apart and it is just my daughter and I in the house. We didn't celebrate any holiday's this past 2022, It was just a sad reminder of what/who wasn't here..... Family. Icing on the cake when I thought 2023 was a new start, new hope, my Dad suddenly died 9 days into the New Year. I am an optimistic, strong, bad ass warrior and a survivor and I know I will make it, but sometimes I want to be soft and vulnerable and would love someone to take care of me for a change. Being strong all the time is so hard! But I am journaling today to anyone who will listen cause I needed to say/share this truth. I am not ok, but I will be. ❤
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