quitting nasty facebook habits

I have a peer network in a subculture outside of permaculture that I'm increasingly becoming frustrated with and I've been struggling with loneliness and isolation. Lately I've noticed that I've been using Facebook essentially to troll my friends. I post grumpy stuff in an attempt to engage my friends into a discussion, but it always backfires, of course, because what I'm really longing for is a meaningful interaction.

I finally recognized this yesterday and haven't logged on since. I want to curb this stupid habit, but the downside is that now I interact with others even less frequently. Facebook isn't a proxy for real experiences with friends.

Does anybody else have annoying media consumption habits?

Hey will, i noticed similar habits with myself and fb. After a while i realized fb was the source of a lot of negativity for me and not really a source of anything positive other than the random event every few months. I deactivated my account, and have not missed the late night trolling sessions much, if at all. I am interacting less for sure, maybe less than ever before, but i am also realizing how my interactions weren't healthy or productive anyway. As i grow up and my personality changes i can see that many people i kept in my 'circle' aka friends.. Were/are attached to me being a certain thing. Its only when i started going a different way that the truth came to light and they expressed their negative vibes about where i am headed.
I feel as though i am following my own true program in life, so it really sheds a lot of light on the way people get attached to the surface of people and avoid the core. I experience a lot of dissonance internally and externally. Really what is the point of having a friend if it just reminds you of how alone you are?

Wow that sounds Kind of like a bummer... But all this has resulted in feeling pretty free and excited. Changes are difficult, especially when you feel like you are blazing a trail, having to hack your way through what was previously impassable.

People change. You probably have. I used to spend hours on old school paper and pencil role playing games.
That was BFP, before finding permaculture.
I some time visit the old sites, but there is no there,there, not for me,not anymore.
On FB I have lists and groups of people who are interested in the same thing as as me, and I ignore most of the rest, posting for their benefit, and following their content.
One day I fully intent to host a RPG in the middle of my pico-food forest( one city lot) . But until then, life is short and time spent on stuff you don't really care about is wasteful.

Meanwhile, my family is coming around and some of the same crew that used to game with me, posts photos of apple harvests and asks for machete recommendations.


Walk your walk, and you will find your people. Do be careful though. I am a middle aged black guy, and before finding Permies, I kept following links of interest only to find myself at white supremacist survivalist sites. Evidently they share my interest in self sufficiency,be it organic food or wood burning stoves...

IMO, It's easier to start a new healthy habit to replace one that no longer works, than to quit cold turkey.

What can fill that social need for you? And what goal/habit/practice do you want to fill your time with that used to go to FB? 3 weeks, they say, to create the new habit. That's not very long at all.

When it comes to the internet, I'm either all in or all out. I work online building online schools, developing online school software with WordPress, and co-create online permaculture courses.

It can be hard to disconnect. Or rather it can be challenging to live in 2 worlds. I agree that the real relationships are more important than facebook friendships, but the loose ties through the internet, like this very forum post are important too.

Facebook Addiction is a real thing. Personally I don't have it, but I feel like many people I see every day do have issues with it.

In my experience a daily meditation practice helps. And I actually have an outlet timer on the wireless internet router which kills the internet every night at midnight until 7:00am to help create boundaries.

I should be a politician. Five minutes after arriving at a new coffee shop or at an event, I'm deep in conversation with someone that I just met.

I was a shy kid. The desire to meet girls might have helped me break out. Now I'm comfortable in any social setting talking to anyone from beggars to bankers.

Get out of the house.

It's been about a week since I've been back to Facebook and I've found myself wasting less time, and less screen time all together, which is nice. I've visited with 3 friends in that time, too, so it's not like I don't talk to anyone.

I've also finally had some time to read magazines. I love magazines but in the past 2 years or so, the issues pile up near the couch and it seems like I never have time to read them. Now I'm catching up on a lot of the magazines I have subscriptions to like The New Pioneer, Connecticut Wildlife, and Bowhunter, which brings me much more enjoyment than whatever dumb shit my acquaintances are sharing via facebook.

One of the things that helped me was a social media marketing course. Even if you don't want to use FB for your business, the course helped manage time and goals to make it useful and less stressful / draining.

I'm not on Facebook, but I've found in general, not visiting social media sites which tend toward the negative has improved my life immensely. I used to spend lots of time on doomer sites, which attract negative people and attitudes, and it encouraged negative thinking in myself. Now I only spend time on sites which are strongly moderated to make sure people stay nice, and nice sites tend to attract positive communication. Yes there may still be a person who is consistently negative in outlook and communication, but they're fairly easy to avoid.

I find it immensely sad that so many of you find Facebook to be a negative site. It is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. People that annoy me get settings changed so I don't see their stuff anymore. I love seeing what is going on with people all over the world. I love hearing from friends who have moved far away, seeing their pictures. I love the goofy stories and the inspiring videos. That is what I have on my FB because that is what I filter it to give me. Sure, I've been negative on FB before but for the most part I do not post things I don't think should be posted. I know people who use FB to vent negatively about their spouses and everyone else in their lives. That is not me. If I have a problem with my spouse I talk to my spouse about it, not FB. So yeah, there it is. I think FB is great. It's a great tool to keep in touch with all those military friends I made who are long gone from my physical location.

elle sagenev wrote:I find it immensely sad that so many of you find Facebook to be a negative site. It is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. .

I dont know how sad it is, i would just file it away under "it is what it is". Not every tool works for every person. When people have a negative experience with facebook it does not always imply that the people on their feed are bad or negative, it could just mean the platform isn't inspiring to them. Just like message boards don't work for others.

I am very active on face book with family, friends and my customers . I find it a very positive way to keep in touch . I work from home and that can be isolating I enjoy taking a moment to look at my families posted photos of the little ones and pets , my customers posts of their completed projects . responses I get to posts I make about life, cooking , garden ,work projects ....I can not imagine calling my adult kids currently in other states to say look at the vegetables I just picked , or the flowers that just bloomed or as I had just posted a few days ago the 50 foot hugelbed trench I just dug with the bulldozer ! . but I can post to face book and my kids , relatives ,friends and customers see and comment on the things that interest them in some way.
I think if you look for more positive ways to show your interests and provoke conversation you will see you get out of it what you want . Some of my favorite non family posts are my garden groups and customer posts . I think you get out of things what you put in you can not just do drive by posting trying to start dialog you to seek groups with similar interests and post your thoughts and what you wish to talk about .

For me it's like this: let's say you (i/somebody) are in an orchestra. You really have a passion for playing in an orchestra/ playing your specialty instrument. All of your Facebook friends are fellow players in the orchestra.

The orchestra is filled with drunks, drug abusers, liars, thieves, and all types of dishonest and disloyal types. These are your Facebook friends. You can't play in an orchestra without them, and you're connected with them on facebook because of your common participation in the orchestra. Among them are a few good close friends who lack most of all of the aforementioned traits and are generally good people. On top of all of that, all the other players in the orchestra are dilletantes who enjoy the spotlight, or have plebian taste in only the most accessible composers or pieces. They think the 1812 overture is the greatest piece of music ever written. Meanwhile you have a more refined interest in some specific composers from a specific point in time or something (I'm bullshitting this. I don't know anything about being in an orchestra)

Then you discover permaculture. It is not at odds with your passion for orchestra, but you make some subtle lifestyle changes because you're engaged in permaculture. Your orchestra contacts think what you're doing is stupid. Now your Facebook feed is filled with accounts of how drunk someone was, and how they threw up into the Sousaphone, gossip of who's sleeping with who, and other crap. You're busy posting pictures of the mushrooms you just harvested, but it goes unnoticed. That's me.

So, really it's more of an issue of who you (I) know, and a turning point in life. Maybe I should quit the orchestra, even though I still have a passion for it, because it doesn't fit in with how I imagine my life. Don't read too deep into the metaphor, it's flimsy at best. Perhaps I should delete all my orchestra contacts and add you folks instead

I can roll with that metaphor for a bit. Though I have never been on face book, I can say that I've played so many parts in so many different "orchestras" that I've come to some fair understanding and expectations within that framework.

Online profiles are NOT people. They are self-edited streams of data that people create for an audience.

These profiles can't be "friends". The physical person that creates the profile could be a friend if you ever met but until then...

Liking, friending or following does nothing... nothing. Unless the data is useful to you in a tangible way.

Not everything lasts forever... People change and group dynamics fluctuate, always. Sometimes you're the odd one out and you must find a new group to play with. Don't take it personally. If you're the smart one in a group of morons, you're still the odd duck out.

There are assholes everywhere. I always thought -upon joining a new group- that "this group of folks is completely awesome... all of them". Never turned out to be the case. There's a douche in every group. ID and avoid if possible. Move on when they start to multiply and don't bring any of them with you to the new group.

When you outgrow a group, leave politely and honestly. Don't give people a reason to troll you.


I guess all of this applies online as well as off to some degree or another. People are tough... forget about groups of them. It's better to move on while you still have the energy and try not to carry too much of the resentment with you to the new group.

Doing something worthwhile and productive always make you feel good. Don't let people get in the way of that.

Craig Dobbelyu wrote:I can roll with that metaphor for a bit. Though I have never been on face book, I can say that I've played so many parts in so many different "orchestras" that I've come to some fair understanding and expectations within that framework.

Online profiles are NOT people. They are self-edited streams of data that people create for an audience.

These profiles can't be "friends". The physical person that creates the profile could be a friend if you ever met but until then...

Liking, friending or following does nothing... nothing. Unless the data is useful to you in a tangible way.

Not everything lasts forever... People change and group dynamics fluctuate, always. Sometimes you're the odd one out and you must find a new group to play with. Don't take it personally. If you're the smart one in a group of morons, you're still the odd duck out.

There are assholes everywhere. I always thought -upon joining a new group- that "this group of folks is completely awesome... all of them". Never turned out to be the case. There's a douche in every group. ID and avoid if possible. Move on when they start to multiply and don't bring any of them with you to the new group.

When you outgrow a group, leave politely and honestly. Don't give people a reason to troll you.


I guess all of this applies online as well as off to some degree or another. People are tough... forget about groups of them. It's better to move on while you still have the energy and try not to carry too much of the resentment with you to the new group.

Doing something worthwhile and productive always make you feel good. Don't let people get in the way of that.

As a younger person who has a lot of people I've never met but count as close friends, I disagree.

My husband and I played World of Warcraft for years with the same people. It's a lot of talking and such while working together on common goals. I have a lot of them friended on my Facebook. I've never met any of them but we know each other and I love them. Perhaps what I see isn't the real them but I have no problem loving the person they are presenting just the same.

I agree that online personalities are not the person, they are self edited streams of content. But the persona of a live face to face person is also an edited stream of content.

Unless the data is useful to you in a tangible way.

this also applies to the perceptual data gathered in face to face interactions.

What is lacking in online connections is the immediate pressure to present and respond, that is why online communities can be very interesting. Facets of people that are always hidden in face to face contact can come out without those immediate pressures, and reactions can be considered and responses mulled over.

with my experiences in message boards throughout my life i have forged some closer relationships to people far and wide than many of my face to face contacts. Most likely because we cut right to the heart of the matters we were discussing, and went into realms together that are hardly ever reached in face to face connections. A lack of pressure allows freedom in some aspects. Are they my friends? Not really. Do i know some of them very deeply? Certainly. If we were to get together in real life it might be awkward, or it might be like we are old friends. I do not dismiss those connections simply because we have never engaged in a physical activity together in the same location.

To continue the orchestra metaphor... If some of the players have a more sensitive ear then they become aware that the violin section is out of tune all the time. They approach a beautiful section of the music, gleefully invested in their part, and ready..... the violins come crashing in with their disgusting tuning issues. The sensitive ones snap out of their focus and the flow of the music is derailed. It doesn't feel good for the sensitive ones, and the violins start getting self conscious when they see the reactions. Cognitive dissonance ensues.
The main problem with this metaphor is in a musical orchestra the common goal is usually to play music and the bounds of the goal are relatively clear in definition. On facebook some people are their for light hearted fun, some are there to sell their ideologies, some are there to make others feel a certain way etc. so the common goal is not as clearly defined. I think this is why there is a rise in '10 ways to be insufferable on facebook' type of articles. People trying to set the guidelines for the purpose of the whole thing.

Online friends are just as much friends as a penpal might be, in my opinion. I have had penpal friends which I later met. I've only met a few folks from online friendships. As a person who does not generally do well around people, I value my online friends greatly.

Just to be clear, the orchestra in my metaphor is representing a group of individuals that I know in real life and I'm engaged with in a large "group" for lack of a better word. This group comprises my close friends, general friends, and acquaintances and represents my entire list of Facebook connections. Even people that I don't like that are members of the orchestra and I have to deal with in person, I choose not to connect with on facebook.

Will,

It sounds like you're outgrowing some or most of your orchestra. It seems to be the case in real life as well as in the online realm. There's nothing wrong with being a soloist for a while until you find a new group to jam with. In fact it may be just the change you're looking for. You seem perched on the edge of awesomeness. FLY!!!

I had a social media account a long while ago and I learned that most of the things people post (myself included) were just inane nonsensical rambling or blurbs about nothing. It was hardly worth wasting the time or energy to read it. Then I realized I was doing it too. So I stopped. I stopped posting dumb shit like what I ate and where I was. I stopped talking about other people and what they were doing. I stopped involving myself in drama and trying to fix everyone's problems. I just stopped adding text to a "never ending book of stupid".

Wanna know what happened?
People stopped involving me in the drama and bullshit. Suddenly I had nothing to post, nobody worth posting it to and no worry about who would respond. I was free of the garbage.

Then know what happened?

I got a real life... growing food, raising kids, teaching, designing and making life awesome for other people in the real world and then... it happened. I just fell away from all of those negative people. They just disappeared into the past. It's funny how many "real" people are just as bad as the online trolls. You know what mean... Just people who dump on you for being odd or liking different things. When I talk permaculture to non-permie minded people,I know I'm talking to the clouds most of the time. But that's ok. Every once in a while I find a kindred spirit. It took a while for it to sink in but I finally figured it out for myself.

I'm getting ready to cook dinner so I'll leave with this. There are 7 billion people on the planet, you can't meet them all and they can't all be your friends. You have to prioritize. Times a wastin'