Melissa Jones

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since May 11, 2019
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Recent posts by Melissa Jones

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An elegant lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.  

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so she hands over the keys to a new Porsche, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Porsche into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the lady returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.  

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

She replied, "Where else in New York City can I safely park my Porsche for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
7 months ago
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and  a pair of running boards."

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"'Oh, OK!" she said. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might like to gas up also!"
7 months ago
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the man who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..... so she took them home and ate them.
7 months ago
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy danced over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!
7 months ago
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers, hollering "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
7 months ago
At least a dog that big will add body heat to the house. You can subtract that from the cost of the food
9 months ago
I know the person selling this place, it's about 1/2 mile from me. She put a fair amount of work into it. Chicken area, small trees planted, a good small homestead if you only want 1/2 acre of land to deal with. The main house is 576 square feet, not sure if it counts as a tiny house, but it's definitely not big. I'd love to have permie neighbors, and she's got a decent start on it already.
Century 21 Mattox Realty listing
1 year ago

What happens if you don't space them well

1 year ago