Dc Stewart

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since Jun 20, 2019
Retired gubmint scientist, devoting my Golden Years to coaxing 10 acres of forest into a haven for permaculture and Druidic lurking.
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Recent posts by Dc Stewart

In 1982 I discovered that the bass line from Alan Parson's Psychobabble Rap has the perfect tempo for splitting wood with a maul.

For spiritual guidance, nothing beats Larry Groce's Junk Food Junkie:

You know I love that organic cooking
I always ask for more
And they call me Mr. Natural
On down to the health food store

I only eat good sea salt
White sugar dont touch my lips
And my friends is always
Begging me to take them
On macrobiotic trips
Yes, they are

Oh, but at night I take out my strongbox
That I keep under lock and key
And I take it off to my closet
Where nobody else can see

I open that door so slowly
Take a peek up north and south
Then I pull out a Hostess Twinkie
And I pop it in my mouth

Yeah, in the daytime I'm Mr. Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good Lord have pity on me

Well, at lunchtime
You can always find me
At the Whole Earth Vitamin Bar
Just sucking on my plain white yogurt
From my hand thrown pottery jar

And sip a little hand pressed cider
With a carrot stick for dessert
And wiping my face in the natural way
On the sleeve of my peasant shirt
Oh, yeah

Ah, but when that clock strikes midnight
And I'm all by myself
I work that combination
On my secret hideaway shelf

And I pull out some Fritos corn chips
Dr. Pepper and an Ole Moon Pie
Then I sit back in glorious expectation
Of a genuine junk food high

Oh yeah, in the daytime I'm Mr. Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good Lord have pity on me

My friends down at the commune
They think I'm pretty neat
I don't know nothing about arts and crafts
But I give 'em all something to eat

I'm a friend to old Euell Gibbons
And I only eat homegrown spice
I got a John Keats autographed Grecian urn
Filled up with my brown rice
Yes, I do

Oh, but folks lately I have been spotted
With a Big Mac on my breath
Stumbling into a Colonel Sanders
With a face as white as death

I'm afraid someday they'll find me
Just stretched out on my bed
With a handful of Pringles Potato Chips
And a Ding Dong by my head

In the daytime I'm Mr. Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good Lord have pity on me
6 days ago
That important rite of passage in your dreaming career: the first time that, in the middle of a dream, you become aware that you're just dreaming.

My epiphany came when I was five years old and is still clear in my memory 61 years later. I was outside playing with our dachshund Pete, and he magically levitated up and over a huge lilac bush. My tiny brain analyzed the possible explanations and came to the obvious conclusion -- it's a dream and until I wake up, anything goes. 'Course, when you're five years old, the concept of anything goes is pretty limited. Except for that hideous kid in the "It's a Good Life" episode of "Twilight Zone", but hey, he was six years old.
It's a Good Life
1 week ago
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant". Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than to actually refrain from giving offense.
-Terry Pratchett, The Truth
1 week ago
If you find yourself about to engage in sex with a stunningly beautiful partner, you will abruptly wake up.
1 week ago
It's still an awesome machine, but I confess to being disappointed with the creeping modernization. The photo posted above by Burl Smith shows "the good old days": modern transaxle versus basic gearbox with chain drive to the wheels, modern electric clutch versus simple cable that pulls idler against the drive belt to tighten it on the pulleys. Unfortunately, we're doomed to the future of "no user-serviceable parts inside".
1 week ago
In the 1980s Saturday Night Live skits, the "we just want to pump you up" bodybuilders Hans and Franz would dump large scoops of bee pollen and protein powder into the kids' bags.

When I was a kid, we received a Halloween sign in the October issue of Mad Magazine. We hung the sign above the milkbox next to the front door. After noticing that kids would come up onto the porch but not knock, we finally took the sign down. The sign read "Welcome kiddies! Leave your candy in the box below, go quietly and no one will get hurt." There was, however, no candy in the milkbox.
1 week ago
We feed the resident birds during the winter months. In the spring, they let us know when their natural forage is coming online by ignoring our offerings.
2 weeks ago
The movie Raising Arizona is packed with memorables. A personal favorite is the scene were Gale (John Goodman) and Evelle (William Forsythe) attempt a bank robbery.

Gale: All right, ya hayseeds, it's a stick-up! Everybody freeze! Everybody down on the ground!
Old man: Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm a-gonna be in motion. You see...
Gale: Shut up!
Old Man: Okay then.
Gale: Everybody down on the ground!
Evelle: Y'all can just forget that part about freezin' now.
Gale: Better still to get down there.
Evelle: Yeah, y'all hear that, don't ya?
[Everybody lays down. Gale looks at the now-empty teller windows]
Gale: Shit! Where'd all the tellers go?
Teller's voices: We're down here, sir.

2 weeks ago
"He was one of those guys who's so deep that he reads six levels of meaning into everything, and so sensitive that it hurts your eyes when the sun gets on him."
-Vague recollection from a 1980s issue of National Lampoon
2 weeks ago
Deadpool: Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences! So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You got me in a box here.
3 weeks ago