Following up..
What is it about 40 that prompts such shifts in mind body spirit?
Apparently my body is speaking louder to me than before, through a rash on the skin.. the root cause seems to be leaky gut.. and I seek to acknowledge the message from my body and improve my diet breathing and exercise habits..
Coincidental that histamine sensitivity began after my fermentation tour in which my dosage of homemade probiotics was at an all time high.. could the two be correlated? Maybe I over dosed on kimchi.. too much of anything could be counter productive.. watching some wimhoff—perhaps I’m lacking oxygen, as my breathing pattern was shallower than ever since 2021.. now I’m getting back into yoga and stretching practice.. and slowly introducing variety into my diet after going carnivore for 3 months.. my faith in God is gaining a traction that’s new to me..
Update on father son relationship—I saw my dad a month ago and through a rather emotional conversation realized that he simultaneously hates and loves my existence.. hates that I haven’t met the potential that he sees in me but only cares so much because of his great love for his son.. perhaps a feeling I can only imagine until I have a child of my own.. understanding anew this element of our relationship I was able to recognize the heavy and unnecessary grasp of “seeking fathers approval”.. it was a feeling that no one wanted for me to carry—not father nor son.. yet here I was thinking and believing subconsciously that this was somehow of primary importance.. it isn’t.. father loves son—this is the primary.. approval or disapproval is quite irrelevant as long as I do my very best—and to this I can profess that I indeed have..
the frustration of seeing someone miss their “potential” is a farce.. respectfully, and definitely valid, this specific frustration is in fact the heavy weight that father himself carries on his shoulder.. and in my empathy of witnessing such a burden on fathers shoulder I chose at some point to hopefully lighten that load by becoming a great success.. something father could easily be proud of.. is it easy to be proud of a son that can fart as a newborn? Yes.. is it just as easy to expect a bigger and better fart as the son grows older? Yes.. but let’s not get caught up in the farts.. the moment a parent chooses to expect bigger and better from their child is when the mirror shows up.. and that can become stinky pretty fast..
I love my father. And I now know that he loves me despite the simultaneous frustration feelings (which he has chosen to carry, respectfully).. to me love is acceptance as one is.. and to make my father proud, I will be successful in doing my best even if I don’t reach his vision of my potential.. to be human and humane.. to potentially be a bumbling fool on the way to becoming kind and generous.. to utterly fail at reaching society’s standards while upholding my personal values.. to dropping the superfluous in reaching for the essential.. humbly yet unapologetically as I am.. taking full and radical responsibility and improving every day.. this is my very best, and I’m sure father can be proud of that.. and so can I..
it’s up to us to encourage our own human sometimes.. I Hope this sheds some light in the world dear and beloved children.. you are loved and lovable..
Happy Thursday
Yours truly
Z
