This was quite a thread to start me off here... gave me lots of food for thought, thank you!
Do any of you struggle balancing permaculture, or a different ideal, with your partner?
I wouldn't call it "struggle" - We share many of the same concerns, but not to the same degree, and in some cases even when we share those concerns to the same degree, our lives are different enough that we cannot do the same things about them. What that means is that I'm the SAHM who homeschools the kids and runs the homestead, while he works up in town... and he works enough hours that he's exhausted when he gets home and falls asleep reading a book at 8PM, and between that and travel, he cannot often help around here. It is what it is. I know he'd do more if he had time. We have some differing goals that cause some friction - he does love to travel, (and his job often sends him overseas for 6-8 weeks at a time), and I don't enjoy traveling much at all. I find it stressful because it's such a hassle to find someone to care for everything here while I'm gone.
Do you all feel this sense of urgency, or is this probably because of my disdain for my job and current world events?
I have no sense of urgency anymore. Instead, I have a sense of regret... The urgency seems to have disappeared in the last 3 years or so, as I've graduated a kid, and have only the youngest still homeschooling 6 more months. I always wanted more time and needed more energy for all the things I wanted to do, and wanted us to do together... I regret not spending more time doing kid things with the kids, instead of trying to get so much done around the homestead in the shortest time possible. Relationships are far more important than a lot of the chores and projects that ONLY I wanted done. I should have let the kids help in the kitchen more instead of chasing them outside, just because it was going to take longer and be messier if they helped. I should have played more of the games they wanted me to play (even though they weren't games I found enjoyable in themselves), kind of like going shopping with your wife - the activity isn't one you would ever choose to do by yourself, but the point of it is building the relationship, not in completing the activity as efficiently as possible.
Anyway, I still have a lot of goals, but I've also had 2 back surgeries and I have bursitis and arthritis in my right shoulder - some things just take a lot longer, or require me to wait for someone to help. If it gets done, yea! If it doesn't get done today, there is tomorrow if I'm still alive then. Part of the attitude change (I used to be very, very driven and goal-oriented, and unhappy if I wasn't working on something and making progress on those goals)... is that I'm more aware that someday the sun is going to fry the planet, and I cannot stop that. I know this sounds weird, but I don't find that hopeless. I find that it takes the hopelessness and anger AWAY - instead I feel that if I do what I can, I can be satisfied with that. I am only responsible for me and my own actions, I don't need to put my limited emotional energy into things I cannot control, only into the things I can. I don't know if your feelings relate to your job... I don't have a job off this homestead. I am concerned about world events, but not in a disdainful way... the actions people take are based on the choices they think they have, with the tradeoffs they recognize. I love Marcus Aurelius' Meditations... and I paraphrase him this way, "You are going to meet a lot of jerks today. They act like jerks out of ignorance, because they don't know any better. You don't have that excuse, so don't act like a jerk." It's harder to be angry at people behaving like jerks when you know they are doing it out of ignorance.
Is a common goal in life necessary for a relationship to work with people of different personalities? Or just for any couple?
Well, you have to share some goals. There are some things that will just make a relationship impossible long-term... like one person wanting a dozen kids while the other person doesn't want any. There are some things like that that there may not be a workable compromise for. But for other things - like my husband and I want to be as prepared as possible for whatever Nature and the economy do... so, I garden and preserve a lot of food, and he hunts and builds garden infrastructure for me and sometimes broadforks new areas- but I don't think I've seen him sow, weed, or harvest a single inch of my garden in 20+ years. It's ok. While I think it would be nice if he'd do that in the garden with me, he thinks it would be nice if I would hang out in a tree stand with him during deer season... but I generally only hunt alone, and only after everyone else in the family is out of time to hunt and only if the freezer isn't full yet. There are a lot of things like that. It's actually kind of funny - he asks me to go shopping with him a lot, usually for tools or something, and I tend to not go, because I think how much I can get done if I stay home instead...We aren't perfect at the relationship thing, by any means, but we are both still trying, and we've been married 28 years so far.
Am I crazy to give up a “good job” and the perfect house to help make my wife happier by living close to family?
It doesn't actually sound like a good job - it sounds like you really want to be doing something else. My husband took a 70% pay cut 20 years ago to move here. He doesn't regret quitting that job, and neither do I. However, it's really hard to give up a place you've worked to improve, especially if it is as close to perfect as you think you can find. I hate Michigan for a lot of reasons, but I'd have a hard time leaving this homestead because I've put so much work into it in the last 10+ years. Having said that, neither my husband nor I have any desire to live any closer than 250 miles from the rest of our family. I'd move if his job moved him (a move out of his control), but I'd have a real hard time moving from this spot if he just wanted to be closer to his blood relatives... precisely because this homestead is as close to perfect as I'm ever likely to get.
I hope my rambles answered the questions you asked. And I think the effort you are putting into thinking about your life and what you want out of it will serve you well. The only piece of advice I can give you is to put less energy and emotion into all the things that are not in your control... and the only thing that is actually in your control is how you respond to everything and everyone. it's hard to keep that in mind, but I have found it immensely helpful. I hope it is to you as well. And thank YOU for making me think about these things... it will help me to improve my life, as well.
