Jill Dyer

I buy sugar free (no sugar substitutes either) pineapple, mango, peaches etc, so there has to be a way.  Sweet pickles give me the irrits too - no need!  So, this link gets you to a PDF from Colorado State University.
https://ccetompkins.org/resources/food-preservation-without-sugar-or-salt
Precis: use ascorbic acid, citric acid or lemon juice ( to provide the necessary acidic component)
As well as canning (bottling, because we used glass jars - mason jar equivalent) - in a pan of water on the stove top, my mother did the same thing in the oven, using a roasting pan as the water container.
Hope you feel better for venting!  Now deep breathe and relax.

Here's a handy list   [url=https://www.ritas-outback-guide.com/FirstAidKitChecklist.html[/url]
Although it's suggested for Australian conditions, it applies anywhere.
I would make the tweezers really pointy for that stubborn splinter or thorn,  and add a paste of magnesium sulphate + glycerine for putting on a band-aid to draw out the stubbornest splinters/thorns (and things like boils, 'point' skin problems).  In the "Olden Days" this was Pasta Mag. Sulph.  Possibly available to purchase if you're lucky, otherwise do-it-yourself. Maybe add steristrips if they are available - good for pulling together the sides of a cut.  
Real Outback medical kits have prescribed remedies that are used under the guidance of the Flying Doctor - best kept that way, for obvious reasons! but any medications prescribed to you should be in it, if away from the homestead.

Jay Angler wrote :-

A row of very tiny buttons might do the job though? They'd have to be very close or things would droop.

Maybe just handstitch and be resigned to unpicking when the time comes to re-dye. . . must admit, I'm no fan of velcro either!

Since tea stains the tablecloth. . . I'd say it's a pretty fair bet that it will do the same for your lace.  Fibre content on labels usually has the higher percentage given first, if that's something that can be read.  Tea is one of those things high in tannin - so is coffee.  Making either stick to cotton permanently is iffy.  The dye exercise may have to be repeated. Could the trim be velcroed on?
Also consider walnut skins (the green bit from around the nut) this is quite strong, so maybe build up the concentration - same goes for tea, especially black tea.  Green tea has less tannin, so is also an option.
Polyester has to be coloured in its liquid state before turning it  into fibre, so depending where it is in the lace, there may be a speckled effect.  Trial dip in a cuppa highly recommended to avoid nasty surprises.

https://www.sciencefirst.com.au/science-extra/post/chip-bag-shrinkies - this was used as an"artwork" assembling lots of shrunken bags.
https://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/australian-engineers-create-a-chip-packet-water-purifier/wlzji9bop - and more on this subject:-
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-09-15/foil-chip-packets-life-saving-water-purifier-university-png/5743740

You know how things float into the mind when thinking of something else?
My thought was a silicone treatment - not a lot of nasties involved in making it, and it can possibly be sprayed on, as can be used for suede shoes.  Any plans to make as a fibre?  Maybe the silicone could be added to the mix before passing through the spinnerets?

Koala -yes. I took a packet of tiny toy koalas when visiting overseas, they had grippy front paws - excellent for leaving attached to curtains!
My suggestion is an African elephant - total bundle of cuteness as 1 metre tall newborns - so pocket sized, irresistible 🥰

♥️♥️♥️LOVE♥️♥️♥️

Trees, saws, ladders. . .now I visions of the old "Roadrunner" cartoons. Chain saws, pole saws, etc are all Stihl brand, some engine driven, some battery powered.  All perform well, and the original chain saw is 30+ years old and still going strong.  Several chains and a new bar replaced, but still answers to the call!

I'm also going with "Here comes the sun" from the Beatles.  It's been very overcast recently, moderate amount of rain for the time of year, but over only two days.  So it's really good to see the sun!