like so many other defectors, i had a life...and my life was my horses...at least while i was young and didn't have the responsibilities that come with adulthood to shoulder. then came college, love, marriage, my children, learning to manage household, death, establishing a home, raising my children, doing my part as a daughter with my grandparents and my parents, watching my children leave one by one...until all three were gone...finding myself lost and alone...no matter what i did, where i went or who i was with...i went home...and i was alone...oh, God, how i felt alone-and i was!!! reaching out to others just made it worse...for instance, when r***** graduated, i'd get shit like, "oh, teri, i know r***** has graduated and left home...but, you still have j***** and s***." ya know, what kind of advice and comfort is that???!!!??? sooooo...i'll go cut off my arm...cause i'll still have another one??? i love my j***** and my baby boy s***...but THEY ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER REPLACE r*****! LOL...that is really how i felt...and i've never been one to mince my thoughts or words...so, i was left even more isolated...cause, well...i refused to be comforted by idiots! LOL
of course, i do not sleep much which just adds to the mix in a really bad way when you are left alone with your memories and thoughts...and my house...my farm...was the same farm i grew up on...and my stupid a** went and built a home on family land to raise my children in...DON'T EVER DO THAT IF YOU ARE CURSED WITH A GYPSY SPIRIT, as my mother calls it...
we lived in town, actually, but the farm belonged to my great greats and was handed down to my dad...who had it set up for me to keep my horses on during my glory years...those were very different times...and really not so very long ago...the road was named after my family...as a youngster, i would ride the big yellow bus to the 'farm' and there, i would saddle up and spend the days...during the summer...all of this was taking place during my early teenage years...my mom would GLADLY drop me off out there...where...all alone and UNSUPERVISED...i would spend my days...LOL...told ya...times have changed...that was a huge part of my life...and it was a good childhood...not perfect...but a good childhood. if you have read it, i mentioned in my aunt bea story, i had a penchant for loving old folks...always have...still do...and now i am on the road to becoming one of those myself :)
i would saddle up and ride to my great grand mother's house...momma ruth...she lived at the start of the road...her son, my uncle lonnie (actually he was my great uncle) was shell shocked in ww2 and he lived there with her...great granddaddy long legs had passed on...and there i would sit on the front porch with momma ruth and uncle lonnie...holding on to which ever horse i was riding...as he ate the clover/grass around their front porch...they would tell me story after story...
or i would just ride into the wood...and sit by the springs...and listen and watch...i loved it there...was my favorite place...even as my boys were growing, and after my boys left home...it would be my safe haven...the boys knew about it early...and they too, would draw a quiet solitude from being there...anyway...there i was...big ole house...family land...alone...oh, others came and went...but, i, still was alone! i was a teacher, so, i would get up...go to school, come home, and wonder...is this all there is? is this what i have become? and then there was the lightbulb!!!
I WANT TO RIDE AGAIN!!! LOL...no more smelling the necks of horses behind a barbed wire fence down a dirt road to satisfy my unquenchable desire!!! I WANT TO RIDE AGAIN...AND I WANT A HORSE...LOL...SO WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE A PASTURE ESTABLISHED...THEY MAKE PANELS, DON'T THEY...LOL...i have land...and they make panels!!! :) i had bought horses for the boys when they were younger and we were homeschooling, but when they decided to go to public school...we sold them...fences were long gone, i have never quite got over that...but, that is a different story :)
about 6 months into looking...it was around this time...LOL...midnight...and i was up looking at craigslist of all places...can find some really neat stuff there...and i typed in mare...and ...THERE SHE WAS!!! AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SURE OF ANYTHING AS I WAS THAT NIGHT ABOUT HER BEING THE ONE I WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH...I JUST KNEW IT... :) on went another pot of coffee...and i hit my knees!!! Lord, please, please, please.....i knew i couldn't...well i shouldn't call someone from craigslist at midnight...another cup of coffee...i just prayed and just looked at her picture...and prayed...drank another cup of coffee...looked at her picture...prayed...drank another cup of coffee...LOL...what a night!!! at 5 am i had had all i could take and i dialed the number...again and again and again until i got an answer... :)
i told him what i was calling for...he wasn't too happy... i had woke him up...he asked to be allowed to please go get him a cup of coffee...and call me back..and i BEGGED him...just don't sell her before you do...im comin to get her TODAY!!! :) HE LIVED 2 1/2 HOURS AWAY...and i would have to drive to LITTLE ROCK (UUUUGGGGHHH THE CITY) to get her...oh...did i mention i didn't have a trailer either :) well, he did what he said he would do, and he called me back...i had one question for him..."is she all she looks like she is?" he had one answer, "YES." he also told me someone was supposed to be coming at 5 pm to look at her...and i did what i would never have imagined i would do...i decided i came first, and i reminded him that a sale ain't a sale till the money is in hand, i asked him if he would take a check cause the banks weren't open, surprisingly, he said yes...i got directions, told him i would be there in 3 hours...i hung up...threw on some clothes, grabbed my checkbook and was on the road...superman couldn't have made it any faster! all odds were against this one...and yet, i made it through the city to the other side of it...and pulled up in his driveway...in my suv...with no trailer...LOL
and there she was...there she was...the most beautiful mare i had ever seen!!! perfect in every way from conformation to disposition...and i hit my knees!
i ended up writing him a check for what he was asking...plus enough to cover her board for 2 weeks until i could get a trailer and a place set up for her...and by the way...what's up with that big yellow mare over there...going crazy in her paddock? "that's this ones pasture mate, he says...she is crazy as a loon...actually, these two are half sisters..." (both were 4 years old at the time)...the yellow mare had been used at the wagon races (don't get me started on that one) and was seriously nuts!!! he told me she wasn't for sale...that it would take him months to get her back...if he could get her back at all...awwwwww...i said...EVERYTHING is for sale!!! so, after finally convincing him of that fact, which took a WHILE!!! i wrote him another check! thus would begin my adventure with codi as well...but, that is another story :)
within a week, i had scored a 50' round pen, water trough, a couple of rounds of hay, feed, and a livestock trailer to go get my mares...and i was on my way...
suni, sweet sweet suni, went in the trailer first...the good fellow asked me again...if i was sure about codi..."yep, no doubts"...he proceeded to jump in the yukon, and back the trailer up to the pen's gate...where he ran a crazy yellow mare into it...'good luck' he says..."i really wish you would reconsider the yellow mare," "nope..." :) all the way home, that crazy winch shifted, kicked, and screamed...made that trailer pretty hard to maneuver...but, we made it.
when i got home...i backed up to the gate of the round pen...ran her a** out, and then pulled up to unload suni :)...sweet sweet suni :)
after fiddling with suni...just loving her...breathing her...i would have just become one with her, if it would have been possible...there was something so spiritual about that moment...i shall never ever forget...that was the day all of my ghosts would begin to leave...and because i had a lot of ghosts...it would be a long process...
funny thing about all of that...with all of the craziness over the last week, is that in an instant, i no longer felt alone...i don't really know what i felt, but it was not alone, nor has it been since that day :)
and when i called my dad, mom, brothers, and my boys and told them what i had done, they laughed :)
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