"Not Trying to be Rude, Just Trying to Help" and Similar Phrases

So, you just wrote what you think is a Pulitzer Prize worthy post, paragraph, or sentence. You feel you really set some people straight, or showed them the way, or enlightened them, or really struck a good blow for permaculture, humanity, or indeed the whole world! But wait, this is Permies, and the rule that rules all rules is: "Be Nice."  Looking back over what you wrote, your gut feeling is that maybe it's not entirely nice, or at least some people may feel that way after reading it. Hmmm... what is a person to do?

"Ah-Ha! I have it! I'll just add a little something on the end saying that I'm not trying to be rude, but rather am trying to help. That will make it ok."

Nope.

That's not all; this can also apply to prefixes as well.

"I'm not trying to be preachy, but..."
"Not to sound like an ass, but..."
"I'm not trying to veer this into Cider Press territory, but..."

You may notice the butt of this is "but." Paul has discussed this word in the past, basically pointing out that people tend to use it when they know they shouldn't be saying something, as if it completely negates the negative they say. Now some will think that if they are crafty and skilled enough, they can still say the same thing but avoid the use of the dreaded "B" word, and that will make it ok.

"I don't intend this in a Cider Press way."
"I'm not trying to be an ass."
"I'm going to get a bit preachy here."

You may notice that these phrases mean the exact thing as their "but" counterparts. Since they mean the same thing, they can be equally inappropriate. Crazy, right?

If you feel the need to preface a remark with such a statement, it would probably be good to pause and examine it in more detail. Ask yourself if others may see it as being not nice. Ask yourself if there is a way to word the statement that would be more constructive and elevate people, rather than provoke or confront them. Ask yourself if the heart of the statement itself is constructive or destructive and should even be made at all. That's not to say phrases like these always indicate impropriety under every circumstance. But most of the time they do. And when they do, the post will disappear into the aether. Be nice, everyone.