Writing better for events and to attract permies people

Many years ago my father gave me a book called " Writing With Precision How to write so that you cannot possibly be misunderstood". I have yet to read this book in the meantime I have been writing posts, e-mails and letters about groups and events. One event that is coming up has a lot of empty spaces and I have been working to fill them. So I have questions:

When writing about an event is it better to have more or less information? Like having a few paragraphs than just one big one. I know that pictures are a big help in getting people engaged.

How do I get good feed back about an event write up before it is published? English majors are good at this but can be hard to find.

One issue I have found is a age and knowledge gap in the group I work with. The youngest person there is me (I am in my late 30's when I am writing this). Trying to bridge that gap can be hard and lead to some comedy. How can I write better to fill this gap?

Here is a sample of a event write up I did a few weeks ago (names, phone numbers, and address removed to prevent issues):

When: July 8th, 10am-2pm
(rain date- August 12th)
Name, who has been solar cooking since 2008, will lead the workshop in conjuction with Friends of the Library.
Activities will include:
Solar Oven demonstrations
Making a solar cooker from a Pringles chip can
Making the Solar CooKit cardboard cooker
Informative video(s) about solar cooking
And yes, a lot of food that will be cooked by using the energy from the sun.

Space is limited and this is first come first served. You must sign up at the library and get a ticket to the event. No tickets will be available on event day. There will be no option to join on event day. Last day to sign up is the June 30th

If you are going to the event, please make sure to have a sunhat and sunscreen. Hope to see you there!
If you are interested in attending, you can register by phone or email.
Phone number: yes there is one

Contact person is Name . If the library is closed, leaving a message is ok.

Email: yes there is one

Event Address: yes there is one

Hey there .... are you looking for specific feedback on this letter for just general feedback on how to get feedback? I hope that makes sense!

For me, the key is in concise wording and formatting. For example, walls of text are absolutely out. So are lots of long wordy paragraphs.

I would do something like an outline form. I'd pull out the most important information as categories in a larger font in bold on the left. Them I'd list subpoints for each category as indented bulleted items. That way someone can see the most important information at a glance, and then find details if they want them.

Here's a bit of feedback I can offer and a bit of rewording (I hope that's okay.) Please take what you like and discard the rest. I am an English major but that certainly hasn't helped me with writing social media posts that get any response, so who knows?

When: July 8th, 10am-2pm
(rain date- August 12th)
Name, who has been solar cooking since 2008, will lead the workshop in conjuction with Friends of the Library.
Activities will include:
Solar Oven demonstrations
Making a solar cooker from a Pringles chip can
Making the Solar CooKit cardboard cooker
Informative video(s) about solar cooking
And yes, a lot of food that will be cooked by using the energy from the sun.

First, I would put the name of the event in title cap, centered. (i.e. Solar Cooking Workshop)

I would put the rain date at the bottom, or somewhere less obtrusive. It just sounds confusing. The primary date is the important thing. If it's cancelled, that will need a new poster.

For the name of the person, I would just put, Led by: (name)

I think it's obvious that it's in conjuction of Friends of the Library, if you are the ones giving out the newsletter (if I understand correctly?)

To say more about the presenter, I would suggest doing so in a different section with a picture of said person, under a
"bio section (which you may choose to give a different name.)

Then, put activities: (and list activities briefly)

Put a big image between the top information and the activities listed.

Space is limited and this is first come first served. You must sign up at the library and get a ticket to the event. No tickets will be available on event day. There will be no option to join on event day. Last day to sign up is the June 30th

To me. this is a bit wordy. A possible re-wording:

Space is limited! Please be sure to register by June 30th to get your ticket.

If you are going to the event, please make sure to have a sunhat and sunscreen. Hope to see you there!
If you are interested in attending, you can register by phone or email.
Phone number: yes there is one

Contact person is Name . If the library is closed, leaving a message is ok.

This is a bit wordy, too. I would suggest trying to make it a bit less wordy overall.

Be sure to use big fonts to emphasize the key points (where, when, etc.) Yes, images are very good and break up the text.

I've been writing about events that I am putting on for several years now. My medium is email and Facebook. I've taken a "less is more" strategy and it isn't working very well. Usually I have one paragraph of description and then a list of the what/when/where details. I just took a business communications class, so I should pad out my descriptions a bit more.

Of course, I am advertising for hard, unpaid labor beneath a hot summer sun. So I have a limited audience to begin with.

And yes, a lot of food that will be cooked by using the energy from the sun.  

I think that is your hook. Certainly as the event progresses you will get a lot of interest from people whose noses lead them to you. So I would try to bring this to the top. And add pictures of the kind of food that you will be cooking.

Shari Clark wrote:Hey there .... are you looking for specific feedback on this letter for just general feedback on how to get feedback? I hope that makes sense!

General feedback is great.

Shari Clark wrote:Here's a bit of feedback I can offer and a bit of rewording (I hope that's okay.) Please take what you like and discard the rest. I am an English major but that certainly hasn't helped me with writing social media posts that get any response, so who knows?

Good points. This is what I was looking for thanks!

Jeremy VanGelder wrote:Of course, I am advertising for hard, unpaid labor beneath a hot summer sun. So I have a limited audience to begin with.

As someone working in the hot summer sun for pay it is hard to do. A very good point about getting a hook and moving it to the top. Thanks!