things are far worse than i thought - therefore i will appear to be crazier

How could I get cancer when I live such a deeply organic life? I was told that because both parents had cancer, I was doomed. But I did manage to find a dozen more cancer vectors in my life that I eliminated.

When I talk to normal people (Doug Bullock calls them "muggles") almost anything I say sounds crazy.  In the end I generally avoid these conversations.  Or I limit my conversations to level 3 or lower.


Even when doing projects with other permies, my stuff sounds a bit too crazy.  I find myself dialing it back to level 3 or 4.


It was April, a bit over 2 years ago, that i learned about the cancer.  Suddenly a large slice of every day was dedicated to navigating new paths.  New paths that would appear even crazier to muggles.  

I tried to keep the empire moving forward and all of the stuff here (events, the bootcamp and sepper stuff)  moving forward.  It is quite clear now that less time from me on these fronts has had a serious impact.  

I keep hoping that we will soon have a dozen people living here year round.  And quickly these people will become far more knowledgeable in all this stuff than me.  And all things would flourish.


It sure takes a long time to write a proper book.  And as I am doing the work, I keep thinking about the idea that a hundred million people will read it.  Once the book is done, it will sell ten thousand copies a month!  When sales are closer to a dozen a month, it hurts.  And yet I cannot seem to stop.  


So many people have tried to entice me into some sort of vacation, or even a weekend off.  But I am overwhelmed with the feeling that it is a waste of time - that if I don't work on my projects, then all that i have built will dwindle.  And the last two years has proved that to be true.

I have 40 more kickstarter projects in my head.  Maybe half of those have a lot of the work already done.  


I wish for a dozen excellent people to be here that are fools similar to me:  pouring their life into moving these projects forward.  And, in time, I can have more people to visit with where I don't need to restrain my discussion.  And maybe these people are so excellent, that they can curb petty, manufactured dramas instead of me.

i don't know your urgency, but i do know the feeling of seeing work everywhere and kind of dragging on regardless,going to bed late, getting up early, building up sleep shortage. Sometimes it just happens i am ill a day or so, or am obliged to a tiny little holiday. I do notice then, that the day after that i get done in a day what normally takes two. Sometimes a little break is an investment. A little change of scene, a little peek outside of one's own island can bring necessary perspective as well.