Eric Thomas

A fellow who sees a sign outside a house that reads: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

The fellow walks up to a dog sitting on the front porch, and the dog says, “May I help you mister?”

“You really can talk!” says the man. “You’re amazing!”

“My life has been amazing,” says the dog. “My talking skills helped me communicate with human authorities and other dogs to save avalanche victims in the Alps, as well as earthquake and hurricane victims all over the world. Now semi-retired, I spend my days telling jokes at the local children’s hospital.”

The fellow, flabbergasted, asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to sell an incredible dog like this?”

“Because he’s a compulsive liar!” said the dog’s owner. “He’s never left the yard!”

I only seem to get sick on weekdays.

I must have a 'weekend' immune system

Not just Germany, there will be a few shivering Brits this winter as well...

LONDON -- A cost-of-living crisis in Britain is about to get worse, with millions of people paying about 80% more a year on their household energy bills starting in October.

The U.K. energy regulator on Friday announced the latest price cap, which is the maximum amount that gas suppliers can charge customers per unit of energy. It means people will pay 3,549 pounds ($4,188) a year for heating and electricity.

Scores are already struggling to make ends meet as inflation soared to 10.1% last month — the highest in 40 years — and the rapidly spiraling costs of energy and food are certain to hit the poorest the hardest.

The government is facing widespread calls to do more to offer relief, but no new measures are expected before the Conservative Party chooses a new prime minister to replace Boris Johnson.

Here's a look at the rising energy costs in the United Kingdom:


HOW STEEP IS THE RISE?

Annual energy bills for the average household paying by direct debit have already risen by a record 54% so far this year. Bills had been capped at 1,971 pounds ($2,320) a year, compared with about 1,200 pounds last winter.

Under the revised price cap announced Friday, average household energy bills will jump to 3,549 pounds a year starting Oct. 1. They will go still higher when the price cap is updated again in January, expected to exceed 4,000 pounds.

U.S. bank Citi forecast that the huge energy cost increases could drive U.K. inflation to 18% next year. The Bank of England predicts a recession starting later this year.

Charities and public health leaders warn that the rocketing bills will be a “catastrophe" for poorer people heading into winter, as growing numbers are forced to make impossible choices between heating their homes and putting food on the table.

By SYLVIA HUI Associated Press
August 26, 2022, 1:55 AM

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal. “Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.”

Nobody dared to move, but suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone. The owner announced, “We have a brave winner.”

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, and upon arrival, the manager told him “he was very brave to jump” the man replied, “I didn't jump, someone pushed me!”

His wife smiled...

Moral of the story — Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him.

I can relate to my own personal experience.  More than one physician told me that this couldn't happen, but in my experience doesn't bear it out.  I worked for a company 50 years ago that made the composite material for clutch friction discs.  They used cashew nut oil that was reacted with acid to make a version of phenolic (they also used raw asbestos, but that's a memory worth forgetting.)  Cashew nut oil contains the same toxin, Urushiol, that poison ivy does.  I was told at the time that I might, or might not, have an allergic reaction to it (yea...this was 50 years ago, different world.)  I should have listened to the guy...

Needless to say, I got it and got it baaad.  My paperwork from the hospital said the diagnosis was "99% acute dermatitis."  That doesn't BEGIN to describe it, I still have bad dreams about it.  About two weeks of being sedated and rubbing old-school Benadryl creme all over, and I mean "all over."  

But, after I was 'cured' I went on with my life which included working on a farm in Pennsylvania, a farm replete with loads of poison ivy.  Having a PI rash for me in the summer was standard procedure, if the leaves were out, I had it.  Since that experience, I can honestly say that I've never, ever, had it again, not even a little.  I can recall brushing up against ripe, green PI and waiting for the inevitable.  We have more poison oak (Toxicodendron diversilobum) in Oklahoma than poison ivy, but I don't react to that either.  

I say, yes, you can build a tolerance for it.  

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!".......

Today, August 16th, is National Tell A Joke Day.  Step up Permies, make us laugh!

If you boil a funny bone, you get a laughing stock!

Ok, I've been keeping chickens all my 68 years.  I've mostly kept old school breeds, Barred Rocks are my favorites; hardy, smart, good layers, yadda yadda.  Never had any real issue outside of the usual.  I'm on my umpteenth flock, both bought and bred.  One thing I've come to realize, and most of you have experienced the same, is that every flock has its own personality.  This current flock is store-bought (Mt. Healthy) and they've been great so far, even got a rooster for free (bought all hens.)  

My only problem...they won't leave the coop.  Granted, it's a pretty nice coop.  I built it for a flock of 24-36 birds, so it's nice and airy, clean, plenty of space for my downsized flock of 10 gals and one decidely low key dude (he's still young.)  I have cut down the 'yard' by two-thirds, from the almost 2,000 ft2 fenced in area to about 700 ft2.  It's fenced in like Stalag 17 (no search lights but several predator red-eye lights,) with hawk string overhead; safe as can be.  The dogs don't go anywhere near the compound, they had all the electric fence Pavlovian conditioning they could take a few years ago.  It's freshly mowed and ready for any self-respecting hen to get to some serious scratching.  I've never had a flock that wouldn't jump at the chance to get out of the house and start getting in touch with their inner dinosaur.  Not this crew.  I've put scratch grain on the runway, I've shooed them out of the coop with a broom, they go out and come right back in.  
This is very strange and unexpected behavior, out of character for such a stout breed, to be sure.  I'm going to try to simply put their gravity feeder and nipple waterer out in the yard, see if that does it.  Otherwise, has anyone else had this experience, and if so, what did you do to solve it?  They're just at 15 weeks old.  I'm hoping they outgrow it but they've been out of the brooder and in the "big house" for a few weeks now.  

And the remaing 'old' yard, 20 years of chicken tractoring, alternating with cover of Austrian Winter Pea cover, is being converted to two fruit trees and some Victory Garden-type expansion; cabbage, beans, roots, etc.  I have a feeling I'm going to need it here right soon.  

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.