jokes

Where do all the blonde jokes come from?
Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn't want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women's husbands called the other and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

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Ole heard voices from down in his pond and he went to check and found a bunch of young women skinny-dipping there. They all screamed and went down to the deep end where the water was up to their necks. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked. I came here to feed the alligator."

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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was raised in a small agricultural community where the mayor owned a chick hatchery. This is a story he liked to tell.

One day a stranger came into the hatchery and said that he wanted to buy 500 chicks. The mayor asked if he was new in the area and the man told him he was a lawyer from the big city who got sick of the rat race and bought a farm nearby. So he paid for the chicks and left. The next week the lawyer returned and bought a 1000 more. The week after that another 1000.

When he came back the next week for another 1000 chicks the mayor said, "wow, you must have quite the operation going on over there". To which the lawyer replied, "not really, I just think I must be planting them too deep".

This is from Saskatchewan Canada, a traditionally left leaning farming district.

Did you hear that they're burying farmers 7 feet deep in Saskatchewan ? It's the only way they could stop them from reaching up to grab more money from the government.

Those are great!

Olde but goodie
"A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. He orders a drink and as he is drinking it notices a sign that says, "Win $500, ask the bartender for details." So he asks the bartender about the sign and the bartender tells him there is a standing challenge at the bar for anyone who wants to accept.

The man asks, "Well, what's the challenge?"

The Bar tenders says, "You have to down a 5th of tequila, no breaks, just chug the whole bottle, Then we got an alligator tied up in the alley, he's got a bad tooth and needs it pulled. Once your done with that there is a 98 y/o woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, you need to go make that right with her."

The man bawks and says, "I'm not doing that!"

Well the hours go by and the liquid courage starts to fill the man up, finally he staggers over to the bartender and says, "gives meh that bottle of tequila!"

The bartender hands him the bottle. The man slams is straight down, whipes his mouth, and stammers, "shwhere's that 'gator?" The bartender points him towards the alley door. From inside the bar the patrons hear a horrible racket, screams, growls, breaking glass. The bartender is about to go out and see what the rukus is when the man emerges from the alley. His clothes are torn, he is bloody, bitten and badely hurt.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Shwhere's that womern with the sore tooth?"

This one is 2 minutes old. The BBC channel mentioned that the queen has been on the throne for 60 years. This got me thinking --- Perhaps she should increase her dietary fiber.

Dale Hodgins wrote:This one is 2 minutes old. The BBC channel mentioned that the queen has been on the throne for 60 years. This got me thinking --- Perhaps she should increase her dietary fiber.

hahaha awesome!

"The Queen" is a sexist phrase. To be more politically correct, perhaps we should refer to her as "Its Majesty, the throne person of England".

When Mick sang --- "I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis
She tried to take me upstairs for a ride
She had to heave her right across her shoulder
Cause I just can't seem to drink you off my mind"
that may have been somewhat sexist, but against whom ? Men ? Women ? or Drag Queens ?

"When the whip comes down" explores the life of another "queen" who sells it on the street but the song is sympathetic so not sexist.

"Little Queenie" is about a female. It's from the album - "Get yer ya yas out" which may be a sexist term ?

found on the mighty internet

I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.
As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.
So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.
Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.

another:

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head.
"You horny bastard! You deserve this." He tells the cock.
The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Wait for them to land.."

A clown a parrot a cowboy and a mule walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says , " What is this some sort of a joke?"

A blonde is driving down the road and spies another blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a field. She slams on the brakes , jumps out of the car and yells out to the blonde in the boat. "What are you doing?" The Blonde in the boat replies that she is fishing. The first blonde gets very upset and yells back , "It is blondes like you who give us all a bad name... and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt ! "

Three blondes walk into a bar, buy 3 bottles of Champagne and sit in a booth. Each time they fill their glasses, they clink them and chant "5 days, 5 days!" When they go back to get another bottle, the bartender asks "What's special about 5 days?"

"Well, we bought a jigsaw puzzle, and it said right on the box '3 Years'. Together, we finished it in 5 days!"

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 scotches , 2 bourbons , and 2 ryes. He then proceeds to throw all 6 back in a flash. The bartender says " Wow , I haven't seen anyone drink like that in a while ! " . The man says " You would drink like that if you have what I have ! " " What do you have ? " The man says " 50 cents"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says " Hey , we have a drink named after you ! " The grasshopper says " You have a drink named Wally ? "

Old one from before the internet...........

3 bulls on the farm overhear the farmer talking about bringing in another bull.

The largest says "Half these cows are mine, and I'm not sharing!"
The next bull says "Most of the rest are mine, and I'm not giving any up!"
The smallest bull says "I've only got 2, and no way I'm giving those up!.

Just then a truck pulls up. The trailer is bouncing, about to turn over. A roar comes out of the trailer as the back gate is kicked off it's hinges.
Out jumps the largest, meanest, baddest bull any of them has ever seen!

First bull - "Perhaps I should be neighborly and share a few cows"
Second bull - "Yes, that would be the best thing for barnyard life."

The third bull jumps the fence, paws the ground, and bellows at the new bull!

"What the hell are you doing!" they yell.

"I just want him to know I'm a bull!!!"

Another old one.....

2 bulls on top of the hill looking down at a field full of cows.

Young bull - "Let's run down and have our way with some of them."

Old bull - "Let's walk down and do them all"

Two Samurai are sitting, discussing the arts of their trade.
A fly circles above them, and the young Samurai leaps up, slashes with his sword, and the fly falls, in two pieces, to the floor.
As he sits down, he boasts that his speed cannot be beat.

Another fly appears, and the old Samurai slowly gets up and eyes the fly. He makes a slower slash with his sword, and sits down.
The fly makes a few tight circles above them, and then lands on the wall.

The younger Samurai says "Ha! You didn't even kill him!"
The elder calmly replies "True. But he will never have children!"

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

A pirate captain stands on the bow of his ship and he sees an enemy ship on the horizon. He calls to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." A tremendous battle ensues in which the pirate captain is victorious. His curious first mate asks him "Captain, why did you wear your red shirt into battle?" To which the captain responds "Because that way if I were wounded the blood would not be noticeable and the men would fight on." The first mate was impressed, until the next day when the captain spotted ten enemy ships on the horizon and called to his first mate "Bring me my brown pants."

This is coming from a fellow member of the club , so no offense :
Ask - "How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb ?"
( Then before the other can even say " How .... ?" you say ) " Hey , lets go ride our bikes!"

Here's one that's actually OT.

When I told my grandfather I was moving to Vermont he said "It gets cold up there. On a really cold night what did one bull say to the other bull? Think I'll go into the barn and slip into a jersey."

Jim goes fishing with his nephew, Timmy, and they catch two fishes: a small one and a big one.

After cooking them, Jim tells Timmy to pick a fish. Timmy picks the big one. Slam! Jim slaps him behind the head and says: "What an impolite boy, haven't you been thought to always pick the small portion if you pick first?"
- "Which one would you have picked if you had gone first?" replies Timmy
-"The small one" says Jim
- "Well, quit complaining that's what you got!"

This joke is SO old, I don't even remember how many decades ago I heard it. I apologize in advance, if anyone is offened for any political incorrectness.

blessings,
Gail
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There was a couple sittin' on the porch and listenin' to the preacher on the radio.

THe preacher says is his most emphatic healin' voice, "I want ever'one to place their hands over the part on their body that they want t' have heeealled."

The woman, she puts her hands over her heart. The man, he puts his hands over his groin.

The woman turns to him and says, "Honey, the preacher says we're gonna have a healin'. We're not gonna be raisin' the dead."

2 farmers talking .1st from Texas,the other from Maine. Farmer from Texas says::I have potatoes on my place that avg about 2 lbs each..guy from Maine hmmm .Guy from texas says my house is 20,000 sq. ft..guy from maine hmmmm....... guy from texas says i have a bull that weighs 5500 lbs....guy from Maine hmmmmm..guy from texas says it takes me about 3 days just to drive across my place..guy from Maine says EH !
YA ! i had a truck like that once..

I had a conversation with a guy from Maine once. It went like this :
Me : I hear a New England accent , Where ya from ?
Him : Maine.
Me: Oh , I'm originally from Massachussetts. Ya know , in Massachussetts we call people from Maine " Mainiacs"
Him: We call people from Massachussetts " Massholes"
End of topic.

hmmmm

I work for a vet, and supposedly this was a true story... You be the judge.

In a vet school Professor Brown is giving an important lecture to a room full of students on the high glucose content of semen.
About half way through the lecture a young woman raises her hand and says:

"Professor Brown, if semen has so much glucose, why does it taste so salty?"

From Dog Shaming:

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

Two brothers raised on a farm spend their childhood enjoying the great outdoors. Hunting , camping , fishing ; along with the farm chores they did everyday. At 18 the older brother decides he has had enough and goes off to the big city and becomes a college professor , never looking back. 30+ years later , the Professor returns to the farm - now run by his younger brother - and states he wants to relive some of the boyhood joys he once knew. They pitch a tent out in the pasture , grab flashlights , light a camp fire and settle down and tell each other jokes and stories. At 3:00 in the morning , the younger brother says
" Have You ever seen so many stars , Bro. What do you think it all means ." The Professor answers " Theologically speaking it means that the Universe is immense and God is awesome, We are just grains of sand in the Great Hourglass of time. Astronomically speaking by the position of the constellation Leo , I can tell it is the month of September and it is also about 3:15 in the morning. Meteorogically speaking it means that we will have clear skies and mild weather tommorow. Hows that?" Younger brother says " Actually Smart Ass - it means somebody stole the tent ."

Two young boys have an altercation ..One boy says ill get my big brother to kick your butt...Other boy says ill get my big brother to kick his butt other boy says il get my father to kick your older brothers butt.. Other boy says your father is my father..

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Penguins Evolved ! Now have Burial Rituals ! Have you ever noticed any dead penguins on the ice ? Even in all those wildlife documentaries ? Never . Why ? Penguins have recently been observed burying their dead and conducting a funeral rite . An older penguin suffered an illness and died. A group of Penguins began to dig through the snow using their webbed feet and then bills to peck a penguin sized hole in the ice. They pushed the older penguins body into the hole and covered him up with the chopped ice. Then the whole colony gathered in a circle around the fallen elder and began to sing "Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow , Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow..."

They all attended in formal attire too Wayne

Found on Internet :
"I think it is just terrible how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong , especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de Frances' while competing on drugs . WhenI was on drugs I could'nt even find my bike."

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.
Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”
To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!”
Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.
The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

A business executive, while vacationing in the Bahamas gets an urgent message to get back to the office ASAP.
It's the busy tourist season, and he can't get a flight off the island for several days.
He notices a pilot tinkering with a private plane, and approaches him.
"I need to get home right away."
"Well, one of my engines has a serious problem. It probably won't make it all the way."
"But, your leaving anyways. Your confidence assures me that it is OK."

So, they take off together - homeward bound.
About half way across, an engine sputters and dies.
The pilot begins frantically looking at maps, and all of his instruments.

"What's the big panic? You knew you had a bad engine before we started."
"But, that's not the engine I was worried about!"