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Jokes, part deux

 
steward & bricolagier
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Due to technical glitches  that are being worked on, the Jokes thread seems to have gone on vacation.
Here, for your entertainment, is version two of the classic Jokes thread! Only on Permies.com!!

A farmer had a roadside produce stand with lots of lovely looking vegetables. A lady from the city stopped and looked at it all, picked up a tomato and asked "Are these tomatoes GMO?"
The tomato replied "Nope!"

:D
Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

The original jokes thread has returned! You can post here or there, and keep on giggling! https://permies.com/t/480/13290/jokes

 
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And, anyone notices any other threads vanishing that don't seem like something that would normally vanish (i.e. spam or flame wars), please PM a staff member!

If I wasn't sick, I totally would have tried to massage a joke into that...but I cannot. Peal, you're a master masseuse, help me out here!
 
Pearl Sutton
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I cannot massage a joke in, your typo of my name rubs me the wrong way.

:D
 
steward
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Pearl Sutton wrote:I cannot massage a joke in, your typo of my name rubs me the wrong way.

:D



But it has such a nice ring to it...
 
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that awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks right by you...
 
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I saw this on a sign:

q. How do you make a Pirate irritable?

a. Take away the P.
 
James Freyr
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So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "doesn't that steering wheel bother you?" The pirate replies "yaarrrgh it's driving me nuts."
 
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What is irish and sits in the sun?
Paddy o' furniture
 
pollinator
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Carla Konwinski wrote:What is irish and sits in the sun?
   Paddy o' furniture



Wait, that's an old joke (6 years!)
 
master gardener
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Phil Gardener wrote:

Carla Konwinski wrote:What is irish and sits in the sun?
   Paddy o' furniture



Wait, that's an old joke (6 years!)



Nice catch Phil!  While we lost the old Jokes thread, I did find this joke hanging out in an alternative "joke" thread, so I moved it into this one in the name of neatness.  Also, I hadn't seen this one before so figured this was a good way to share.
 
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This is a joke I heard from an episode of Ask Me Another by NPR:

Ophira Eisenberg wrote:i like my men the way I like my cheese: stuffed, gooey, and full of penicillin!

 
Phil Gardener
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Just a few for those holiday spirits who didn't get enough (yet):

What do you call a running turkey?
Fast food.

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
They use FOWL language.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
It had 24 carrots.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A bird that can pluck itself!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks


 
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There was a chicken rancher who was unable to breed any chickens. So he asked his very successful chicken rancher neighbor for advice. The neighbor said "That's simple. You need to borrow my rooster but I warn you he is very amorous & tricky. Lock him in the coop with all the hens & do not let him near the other animals." The first rancher agreed & took the rooster home & put it into the coop with the hens. After a few hours of rowdy noise it seemed to be over. The rancher opened the door to investigate. The poor hens were exhausted but the rooster ran out & started going after all the other animals. After a few hours of that the rooster suddenly fell down & didn't move. The rancher had never seen anything like that & assumed it was dead. As he was reaching down to pick up the rooster to return to his friend the rooster pointed to the sky & said "Vulture."
 
pollinator
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What is the difference between an Onion and a Banjo?

No one cries when they cut up a banjo!
 
Phil Gardener
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Travis Johnson wrote:What is the difference between an Onion and a Banjo?

No one cries when they cut up a banjo!



When I was growing up we didn't have a banjo, but we used a mandoline in the kitchen!
 
pollinator
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
.
.
.
.
.
He worked it out with a pencil.

I'll get my coat.
 
Jay Angler
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You know when you buy a bag of salad, it gets all brown and soggy?

Cookies don't do that.
 
Greg Martin
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Ok Jay....that inspires another bad pun joke from me....


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

To get it's filling replaced!

 
Jay Angler
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My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought..."that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation?"
 
Greg Martin
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Jay Angler wrote:My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought..."that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation?"



Teehehe!  My wife starts conversations like that all the time Jay!
 
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Whew.....I was one of the last posters on the old thread, I thought mayby I broke the forum..

An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance.  


So I gave  her a good shove.
 
Jay Angler
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You think you're pushing the envelope...
but you're really just stationary.

That's for you Eric Thomas!
 
Eric Thomas
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Young Husband: My wife was mad at me, so I went to the flower shop and bought her a bouquet, but she’s still angry.

Old Husband: What kind of flowers?

Young Husband: Violets.

Old Husband: Well, no wonder. You should have bought her roses. Someone should have told you…




”Violets never solved anything.”
 
Mike Barkley
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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"
 
r ranson
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A man goes to a joke convention for the first time and hears people occasionally calling out numbers and getting a polite chuckle from those around them. He asks someone at his table what that's about and is told, "There are so many jokes that have been told so many times that they've been numbered." Just then someone calls out a number and someone starts to laugh hysterically. "What's that about?" he asks, and the person next to hims says, "Oh, he never heard that one before."
 
Greg Martin
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Since it's almost Christmas....

Which reindeer do dinosaurs hate the most?


Comet

 
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If he flies too high, there's a chance that Santa Claus could hit a different type of comet or be hit by other things.
Screenshot_2019-12-19-06-45-56-1-1.png
airplane Santa
airplane Santa
 
Travis Johnson
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Eric Thomas wrote:Young Husband: My wife was mad at me, so I went to the flower shop and bought her a bouquet, but she’s still angry.

Old Husband: What kind of flowers?

Young Husband: Violets.

Old Husband: Well, no wonder. You should have bought her roses. Someone should have told you…

”Violets never solved anything.”



I am a farmer in a very rural town so I do not get out much. One day I was buying my wife flowers and the clerk gave me a inquisitive look, so I ran with it...

"Flowers are cheaper than divorce", I said, and then she said something like, "Isn't that the truth."

So I kept going, and said that "Buying flowers was better than what I normally did. Usually I just stop at the local cemetery because they are free." They are dead, so they do not care." That got a groan so I asked the clerk, "if you think that is bad, where do you think I got my wife's engagement ring? It was a lot of shoveling, but also saved me $1000 bucks!"

The sad thing was, she thought I was joking! (LOL)
 
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There's not enough room on my Email address bar to fit all of the recipients I need to send this to (below)...
LilPocket.JPG
[Thumbnail for LilPocket.JPG]
 
Greg Martin
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Mozart joke time...
 
Greg Martin
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So the year is 1791, and Mozart has just died. It's a big deal in Vienna, everyone is sad. A few days after he is buried, someone is walking through the graveyard and hears a strange noise. Intrigued by the noise he follows it until it gets louder, louder, and finally he finds himself standing above Mozart's grave. Naturally this is a matter of curiosity in Vienna, and soon people from all over come to hear this strange sound coming from Mozart's grave. No one can identify the noise coming from the grave, so finally they bring in an expert on Mozart's music to see if he can identify it. After listening for a few minutes, the expert says "Well this is Mozart's 6th symphony, but it's playing backwards." He listens a bit longer and he hears Mozart's 5th symphony, 4th symphony, 3rd, 2nd, 1st but all being played backwards. The people of Vienna ask the expert how this strange music can be coming from the grave. "It's no big deal" he answers. "Mozart is just decomposing."
 
Greg Martin
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Mozart is walking with a friend who suddenly calls out "Wolfgang Mozart".  Mozart says "What?"  

Moments later they are both eaten by a pack of wolves.
 
Greg Martin
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Did you hear about the movie “Mozart”?

It was rated R for excessive violins.
 
Phil Gardener
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Why couldn’t Bach join Mozart, Gershwin, and Liszt for drinks?

He was Baroque.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Sign on a toilet in a public bathroom: Please wiggle handel
Graffiti added to it: If I do, will it wiggle bach?


(old one out of Readers Digest 40 years or so ago)
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept running around yelling Bach Bach Bach!
 
pollinator
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Escaping thief, across a moat: "Haha! Can't get me now!"

Guard: Shuriken!


Why this popped into my head today I will never know...
 
Mike Barkley
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What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?

Sandyclaws


What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?

Mistletoad
 
All that thinking. Doesn't it hurt? What do you think about this tiny ad?
BWB second printing, pre-order dealio (poor man's poll)
https://permies.com/t/147624/BWB-printing-pre-order-dealio
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