Jokes, part deux

Running with Mike Barkley's post:

What type of motorcycle does Santa Claus drive?

A Holly Davidson


What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic


What's a parent's favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night!

If you forget to pay for your exorcism will you be repossessed?

(got a Dad Jokes calendar for Christmas and snuck a peak ahead :) )

ok....just one more!


Dr. Frankenstein went to a bodybuilding competition.  

It was a terrible misunderstanding.

Seriously, the last one....(just needed one more giggle/groan)


Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the keyboard factory?

He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb?................

.................???

None!      It's the system that needs changing!  🙃

I think this is a repeat.  But it's still funny...

A widow was at her husband's funeral.  An acquaintance walked up and gently said "Plethora".

She replied "Thanks, that means a lot"

Mike Barkley wrote: A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

I have told this one 20 times. I've made it a story about my grandfather, when I was a kid. I put on a scruffy old man voice and I have the dog guarding his bed as we try to walk past it, to go out to feed the pigs. I tried another version where we get to the barn and grandfather has brought the leftovers out. He calls over the boar, pets it, and says "here's your snack, Coldwater."

Mike Haasl wrote:I think this is a repeat.  But it's still funny...

A widow was at her husband's funeral.  An acquaintance walked up and gently said "Plethora".

She replied "Thanks, that means a lot"

Ha!  For some reason that reminded me of another joke..........

Overheard - "I'm not saying he has delusions of grandeur but, if you say 'It's a beautiful day',
                       he replies 'Thank you!' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(May as well throw in 2 more one liners!...)

Overheard .... 'He said I was obsessed with cats!!! He packed my bags and kicked meeeowwttt!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hallo - this is the incontinence hotline....can you hold?'  😳

Mike Haasl wrote:I think this is a repeat.  But it's still funny...

A widow was at her husband's funeral.  An acquaintance walked up and gently said "Plethora".

She replied "Thanks, that means a lot"

Here's the follow up Mike :)

A second acquaintance walked up to the widow and asked if he could also say a word.  The widow said "yes, please".  He then replied "Bargain".  She shed a tear and said to him "Thank you, that means a great deal."

A warning to all the men out there, always be gentle when handling your wood, especially out in public when others are watching!

https://i.imgur.com/3RD3YKm.mp4

One of my favourites from when I was a kid:

The tiny island of Tridden, way out in the Pacific, is basically just an old volcano with a bit of a beach at its base. There's a small population, kept in check by land area and the fact that the only fresh water on the island is a tiny spring at the top of the volcano. Every day the Trids walk up to collect water.

One day a group of them walked up and found a horrible monster had taken up residence at the spring. The monster quickly beat up all the Trids and kicked them down the mountain, without any water.

Next day, the villagers decided to try to make friends with the monster. They brought up the island's tastiest fruit and most beautiful flowers. The monster trampled everything, beat up all the Trids, and kicked them down the mountain.

The villagers didn't want to confront the monster again, but they needed water. They figured they'd try to please it another way. This time, their most talented musicians and storytellers make the trek up to try to entertain the monster. The monster smashed all their instruments, beat up the Trids, and kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids had a meeting to try to figure out what to do next. While they were meeting, a ship stopped at the island to trade. They discovered there was a rabbi aboard. "Maybe he can help. He's a scholar and a holy man; maybe he knows something that could help us."

The rabbi agreed to meet the monster, so he and some of the Trids who could still walk went up the mountain to the spring. Before anyone could say or do anything, the monster jumped out and started beating up the Trids and kicking them down the mountain, just like the other times. It was so terrible, the rabbi could only close his eyes and wait for his turn.

After a while, the screaming stopped and the rabbi dared to open his eyes. The monster was walking away from him. The rabbi was astounded, then relieved, then realised this was his chance to do something. "Monster, wait! Please, why are you doing this to these people? And why didn't you kick me down the mountain, too?"

The monster turned and shook its head. "Silly rabbi. Kicks are for Trids."

The cop said "You're staggering!"
I said "You are quite handsome yourself!"

and we laughed and laughed and laughed


I need bail money.

A smart husband buys his wife very fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.

Dale Hodgins wrote:

Mike Barkley wrote: A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

I have told this one 20 times. I've made it a story about my grandfather, when I was a kid. I put on a scruffy old man voice and I have the dog guarding his bed as we try to walk past it, to go out to feed the pigs. I tried another version where we get to the barn and grandfather has brought the leftovers out. He calls over the boar, pets it, and says "here's your snack, Coldwater."

That's the PG part of the story!

A couple days later, the man had recovered from his shock and gotten real good at hand-washing dishes.

But he got to wondering, how that darned dog got his name.

He should have known better, but he couldn't help it, he asked grandpa..

'Well, that name's been handed down for years. First Coldwater, we got him way back when my sister Betsy and her man Jed were still around. We got two hound pups, him and his sister, traded Jimmy down the way fer a cord o' wood.

Dint get around to naming em fer a while. Then the bitch pup went into heat. We locked her up in the old barn to keep her out of harms way, and she threw a fuss like you wouldn't believe! Howlin' and yelpin' and carryin' on like the end o' days was upon us all!

An' then she finally shut up, dead silent. I figured she got lose, but when I went to check on her... well, there she was, and there was Jed.

Well, I looked at them for a second, and they looked back at me, and I sez, Boy, you're in hot water now, what's Betsy gonna say?

An' once we named her Hotwater, seemed purty obvious to call t'other one Coldwater!'

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, standing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

“Tch Tch!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a nice meal with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to a restaurant. He ordered a large steak and a bottle of fine wine.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”

The old fellow finished chewing the piece of steak in his mouth, took a long sip of the wine and replied, “You are the third today, sir!”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 38 ” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 57!” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,”I’d guess about 35.”
The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 57!” Now she’s feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, “What the hell, go ahead.”
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, “Okay, Okay, how old am I?”
He removes his hands and says, “You’re 57.” Stunned, the woman says, “That’s amazing! How do you know?”.
The old man replies, “I was behind you at McDonald’s.”

:D

I used to work in an orange juice factory.  I couldn't concentrate, so I got canned.

Before that, I worked in a knife factory.  I quit because it got dull.

I worked for a butcher but I was fired.  All I did was back into the grinder and get a little behind in my work!

This fellow wants to go to Africa and hunt gorillas. He saved and saved and finally thought he could afford it. He g0es to Africa and finds a guide who'll take him out for gorillas.
"Meet me here in the morning about 5 and we'll get underway", says the guide.
Next morning our fellow met the guide. There was no gun bearers, no elephants and no tents. The guide had a chihuahua dog, a big stick, a short rope and a double barreled shotgun.
"Where's all our stuff?"
"This here is all we need," said the guide, "follow me into the jungle and I'll splain things to you."
"This here is a specially trained canine", the guide said. "She's gonna find us them gorilla critters and then she's gonna run 'em all up in the trees. We're gonna find us the biggest, baddest silverback gorilla in the trees. Then I'm gonna climb that tree and run that gorilla out to the thinnest limbs. I'm gonna flail him about the head and ears until he turns loose. When he hits the ground the chihuahua dog is gonna pounce on him and bite down on his danglies. He's gonna throw his hands up in surprise when she really bites down. When he throws his hands up you jump on him with that there rope, tie him up and we'll have us a gorilla!"
Our fellow was dubious, but continued with the hunt.
Pretty soon the chihuahua started shivering and shaking. The guide dropped her on the ground and she went berserk! She started spinning and growling. She was foaming at the mouth and all you could see was the whites of her eyes. She started tearing up the underbrush. Dirt and rocks were flying. Bushes and vines were ripped from the ground. Those gorillas took to the trees in absolute terror! They went up backwards so they could keep an eye on that crazy dog.
Pretty soon the guide located the silverback of the group. He took his stick, climbed the tree and ran the gorilla out to the thinnest limbs. Then he took his stick out and flailed that beast about his head and ears until it turned loose and hit the ground. That chihuahua dog pounced and bit down hard on its danglies. The fellow jumped on the silverback with the rope and tied it up. Sure enough, they had caught a gorilla.
"That worked a whole lot better than I thought it would," our fellow said, "but you gotta splain something to me. You told me what the chihuahua dog does. She finds the gorillas and runs them up into the trees. You told me what the stick is for, you beat the gorilla about the head and ears till it turns loose. When it hits the ground the specially trained pooch pounces and bites the gorillas danglies. You told me what the rope is for, to tie the gorilla up after he hits the ground. What you ain't told me is what's the double barreled shotgun for?"
"Oh," said the guide, "I forgot to tell you. That's in case the gorilla knocks me outa the tree. You shoot that freaking dog!!!

Howdy,
Saw this on local facebook site,

A young women is in court for assault and battery against her boyfriend, busted up his guitar collection, etc.

The Judge asked "First offender?'

"No, Your Honor,...First a Gibson, then a Martin, then a Fender".

I have had this in my phone for years, no idea where it originally came from. Always makes me laugh.

Steven Spielberg decided to make a movie about history's greatest composers. He started recruiting A-listers, asking them what parts they wanted to play.

Nicolas Cage wanted to play Handel.

Jason Isaacs said "I've always wanted to play Mozart."

Christopher Walken said "Put me down for Chopin."

Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach."