jokes

Greg Martin wrote:Someone stole all the wheels off all the police cars.  The cops are working on it....tirelessly!

(too long without a joke)

That's nothing.  Last week they stole all the toilets from the station.  The case hit a dead end because the cops have nothing to go on!

Eric Thomas wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:Someone stole all the wheels off all the police cars.  The cops are working on it....tirelessly!

(too long without a joke)

That's nothing.  Last week they stole all the toilets from the station.  The case hit a dead end because the cops have nothing to go on!

Someone also stole all the light bulbs from the station.  The police are doing everything they can to catch the perp, but so far are in the dark on this one.

There seems to be a conspiracy here - I wonder if the permies cops will catch the jokers!

I'm due with baby #3 in a week and my stomach is really starting to get quite large. I was cooking breakfast on our nice cast iron griddle when all this smoke just starts filling the stove area. I look down and I had unknowingly pressed my stomach to the griddle and lit my pajamas on fire.

It's safe to say this baby is fully cooked.

elle sagenev wrote: I'm due with baby #3 in a week and my stomach is really starting to get quite large. I was cooking breakfast on our nice cast iron griddle when all this smoke just starts filling the stove area. I look down and I had unknowingly pressed my stomach to the griddle and lit my pajamas on fire.

It's safe to say this baby is fully cooked.

Congrats Elle!!!

elle sagenev wrote: I'm due with baby #3 in a week and my stomach is really starting to get quite large. I was cooking breakfast on our nice cast iron griddle when all this smoke just starts filling the stove area. I look down and I had unknowingly pressed my stomach to the griddle and lit my pajamas on fire.

It's safe to say this baby is fully cooked.

That is too funny!

Just keep it under control when you go rushing into the delivery room, every motorcyclist will tell you; you got to watch out for that high speed waddle!

Edited to say:

That was all in good fun, but do you have any immediate, unmet needs for the baby? If you need anything, I think I speak for everyone when I say, just let us know. There are good people on this site, and we will ensure you and the baby's needs are met.

Travis Johnson wrote:

elle sagenev wrote: I'm due with baby #3 in a week and my stomach is really starting to get quite large. I was cooking breakfast on our nice cast iron griddle when all this smoke just starts filling the stove area. I look down and I had unknowingly pressed my stomach to the griddle and lit my pajamas on fire.

It's safe to say this baby is fully cooked.

That is too funny!

Just keep it under control when you go rushing into the delivery room, every motorcyclist will tell you; you got to watch out for that high speed waddle!

Edited to say:

That was all in good fun, but do you have any immediate, unmet needs for the baby? If you need anything, I think I speak for everyone when I say, just let us know. There are good people on this site, and we will ensure you and the baby's needs are met.

Appreciate the love! We're good though. We have a large family and a larger church family. So she is going to be one spoiled baby! She's the very last one on both sides of the family so they're all psyched.

People don't like my joke about the Jonestown massacre...

The punch line is too long

B+  blood type of choice for the optimistic vampire.

Mike Haasl wrote:People don't like my joke about the Jonestown massacre...

The punch line is too long

This happened when I was in grade 7. My teacher thought it was terrible and got us to write something about it. I presented mine in front of the class. I said it's a terrible thing what happened to those children who were dragged out into the jungle by their parents. As for the adults, I'm pretty sure the world will go on without them.

Some of the kids saw the humour in it. Mr Mulder did not.

Jay Angler wrote:B+  blood type of choice for the optimistic vampire.

Hey! I'm type B+  !!
Good thing I eat a lot of garlic!

^.^

Oh the ole sheep farmer in me will never die...

The only predator loss I had on my sheep farm was to a crow...

How true...

The dangers of drinking and shopping...

Technically the driver is in full compliance...

My wife...

It is not so funny when you really are a farmer...

So true!

:)  So many favorites.  I should save some back for later, but here's a few more I just remembered.

I sold my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.


(dedicated to everyone that has to clean before friends and family come over for Thanksgiving...back to cleaning for me now)

Greg Martin wrote:I sold my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.

Glad you got rid of it, it sucked.

Pearl Sutton wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:I sold my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.

Glad you got rid of it, it sucked.

Teehehe….I also sold my air filtering system.

Greg Martin wrote:I sold my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.


(dedicated to everyone that has to clean before friends and family come over for Thanksgiving...back to cleaning for me now)

I have never been an organ donor, but I did once give a piano to the Salvation Army.
:D

I thought I would tell you a good time travel joke, but you didn't like it.

wayne stephen wrote:This is coming from a fellow member of the club , so no offense :  
Ask - "How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb ?"
( Then before the other can even say " How .... ?" you say ) " Hey , lets go ride our bikes!"

Ha!  That reminded me of another joke....

Someone said they had ADHD and COD (compulsive obsessive disorder).   Everything had to be perfect....but not for very long!

Greg Martin wrote:I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-Steven Wright

Ha!  I'm a Steven Wright fan too.  Here are some of his that I find amusing:-

It may be a small world....but I wouldn't want to paint it!

No man is an island....except when he's in the bath!

You can't have everything....where would you put it!?

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.  

Greg Martin wrote:I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Ha!  I make no apologies for making another joke post, straight after my previous one.  (I'm reading the joke thread today!)

Greg, your elevator joke reminded me of a oneliner I recently heard....

Don't get into an argument on an elevator - things can escalate very quickly!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky!!

What do you call a cow with two leggs?

Lean Beaf!!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!!

What do you call a cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated!!

Mark Brunnr wrote:

Sock et to them!

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

This little mp4 clip has sound, not sure how to make it post/play here directly.

Mark Brunnr wrote:Why'd the chicken cross the road?

This little mp4 clip has sound, not sure how to make it post/play here directly.

Some other reasons maybe....

ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON - Imagine....chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.

FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted. !!

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked. ‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’
.......


We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1.  Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2.  Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO.
   
3.   If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4.   A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
 
5.  A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

6.  A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?