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jokes

 
garden master
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I love Tom Lehrer songs!







 
garden master
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You always remember your first.  For me my first Tom Lehrer song was when my chemistry professor sang the element song on his final lecture....loved it!  My prof didn't do the Aristotle version though!
 
gardener
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I love Tom Lehrer :)
I have Poisoning the Pigeons in the Park and the Masochism Tango on most of my music playlists. Tends to disturb people who look at my purple skirts, vegetarian diet, and alternative medicine style to hear Poisoning on my music.  It's not incongruous to me, but it seems that way to others.

I got in trouble when I was young, Catholic school, we were told to bring religious music from home, I brought The Vatican Rag. Didn't go over well at all :)
 
master pollinator
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This is how I learned French...  NSFW



MacLean & MacLean.  A Canadian Institution.  NSFW or most people, though this is one of the tamer ones.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
 
Dave Burton
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Having family over! This book title makes me laugh!
Family- The Ties That Bind... and Gag! by Erma Bombeck


(source: Amazon)

And another book by her: The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank


(source: Amazon)

I might actually have to read these books....
 
Pearl Sutton
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I own those books :) I love Erma Bombeck. A funny window into a lifestyle I can't relate to, never having been a mom, or in the suburbs.
I have a shelf (when I have bookshelves, and my books aren't in boxes :P) labeled "sociology, alien cultures" and there's stuff on the Maya, on India, and Amy Vanderbilt's etiquette book, and Erma Bombeck. Just cultures I'm interested in but not part of.
Amy Vanderbilt is seriously alien culture. Did you know it's possible to have a home without live in help? You can just hire day help!! Who would have thought?!  
Not my reality at all....
 
pollinator
Posts: 175
Location: Near Philadelphia, PA
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Greg Martin
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An Odd Tale

There was once a man named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
 
steward
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People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
 
gardener
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden... the plot thickens!
 
Mark Brunnr
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Yesterday I was washing my car with my son, when my son asked "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
 
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[thanks to @Nancy Shirley from http://www.nantahala-farm.com/comfrey-order-easy-s.shtml]
EFA6D85F-F9F4-485A-BA56-8C814F38E460.jpeg
[Thumbnail for EFA6D85F-F9F4-485A-BA56-8C814F38E460.jpeg]
Planted comfrey in my yard for the first time... So I Guess You Can Say Things Are Getting Pretty Serious
 
Greg Martin
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Pearl Sutton
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Quite a book...
 
Greg Martin
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Pearl Sutton wrote:Quite a book...



It must be Pearl...it's selling for $300!  (one reviewer said the title was the best part, so no need to feel that we're missing out)
 
Pearl Sutton
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Question I'd ask is it it for sale at that price or selling at that price? Different animals entirely...
 
Greg Martin
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Pearl Sutton wrote:Question I'd ask is it it for sale at that price or selling at that price? Different animals entirely...



Looks like it's selling at that price as a used hardcover, though poking around it looks like you can find a used softcover for as little as $90 :)  (I'm still going to pass on that fine offer)
 
Pearl Sutton
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I'll pass too. I paid 90.00 for Bill Mollison's big black design book, for that kind of money, that's the kind of data density I want :D
 
Mike Jay
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I just took a pole.  Apparently 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
 
Greg Martin
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I've decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.


I've just handed in my too weak notice.
 
Greg Martin
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My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.


Well, it's what he would have wanted.
 
Greg Martin
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Three men are on a boat one day. They all smoke and they've got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.


So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
 
Greg Martin
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Just in that mood to share bad jokes again...hope you enjoyed going "uggh" with me :)
 
Timothy Markus
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I appreciate your input...

 
Timothy Markus
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I am so old.

I also get very drunk now on less than 2 beers.
 
Timothy Markus
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Good to the last drop!

 
Dave Burton
garden master
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master pollinator
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They were having a serious discussion about astronomy on CBC Radio. I thought of this  and had to pull the car over to write it down. I'm sure something like this has been delivered before because the one words is so obvious.

What do Neptune and a toilet bowl have in common?

They both have an excellent view of Uranus.
 
gardener
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Loving the schoolboy humour Dale!  And on that...

What do Brooklyn and pantyhose have in common?

Flat Bush.

Thanks to Sophie Auster who told that one at a concert in Ourense, Galicia last night.

Oh, also, what do ghosts say to bees?

Boobees!

It was a long night...
 
Dale Hodgins
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I have updated the joke that I posted the other day.

What do children, Neptune, eager-to-please employees, a toilet bowl, Mark Zuckerberg and spy cameras have in common?

They all have an excellent view of Uranus.
 
Dave Burton
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"Humor me please."
"Ha! Ha! Ha! You have now been humored!"
*exasperated sigh*
 
Greg Martin
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-- Steven Wright
 
Greg Martin
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-Steven Wright
 
Greg Martin
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


Ok, that satisfies the Steven Wright things going through my head!  Happy Friday :)
 
Mandy Launchbury-Rainey
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David Mitchell is one of my favourite comic writers

 
Greg Martin
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Thanks Mandy.  I love David too.  Have you seen him in Upstart Crow as Shakespeare?
 
Mandy Launchbury-Rainey
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I hadn't seen that, Greg. I was bedazzled and in stitches! Brilliant!
 
Dave Burton
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I merged your stuff with the following thread. I hope that is okay by you.
 
Always! Wait. Never. Shut up. Look at this tiny ad.
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