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gardener
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a woman lay in a coma in the hospital
the doctors are baffled and have tried everything
the husband is distraught
one day the nurse is giving the woman a sponge bath
and accidentally touches the woman's nether region
the woman immediately begins squirming and moaning
the nurse runs to tell the doctors
desperate for a cure, they tell the husband to preform oral sex on his wife
to see if that will get her out of the coma
the husband goes into the room
and after a few minutes the woman's vital signs flatline on the monitors
the doctors enter the room and ask what happened
the husband says "I guess she must  have choked"
 
gardener
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Craig Dobbson wrote:The worst part of going to church when I was young was that I could never understand why I had to stand, then kneel , then sit, then kneel , then stand again. 

It wasn't until I was older that I came to see that switching positions makes you last longer. 


.......
I met a really nice girl at church once. I also found that switching positions made me last longer. Or it might have been the brief break between positions that made me last longer. Thinking about the preacher's daughter, seemed to make me last longer as well. I didn't always want to go to church, but after this experience I decided that I would come regularly.😈
 
duane hennon
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Mary was leaving the church on Sunday
when Father Donovan commented
It's good to see you here, but where is your husband Bill?
Mary lowered her head sadly and said " He died suddenly Friday night"
Father Donovan said that that was terrible since these types of deaths
leave so many unresolved issues and loose ends...
Did Bill have any final requests we might honor ?
Mary thought for a second and said
Well, his last words were
"Mary, please put the gun down"
 
master steward
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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

 
paul wheaton
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Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

 
Dale Hodgins
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Teach a man to fish, and you may have fed him.

Give a bum a Costco card, and you have fed him free samples for a full year.
 
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Did you hear minnie and mickey mouse are getting a divorce?

Turns out she was fing Goofy!!!
 
gardener
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This is old.

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.

"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"The urine belongs to the Vice President."

"What could possibly be worse than that?"

"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

 
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Apologies if these have been posted before... haven't been through all 9 page - these are my favorites.

Favorite: A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.  The bartender asks, "How'd you get that thing?"  The frog answers, "Well, it started out as a wart on my ass..."

2nd favorite:  This morning I shot a bear in my pajamas.... how he got into my pajamas, I'll never know" - Groucho

3rd:  A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hey doc, it hurts when I do this"... the doctor says, "Well then, don't do that!" - source unknown, but Archie Campbell did it best!
 
garden master
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Hopefully this isn't a repeat:

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for the night
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life
 
Dale Hodgins
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This isn't so much a joke as an observation, made by a friend of mine. One of her friends had bought a zucchini.

"If you have to buy a zucchini this time of year, you don't have enough friends."



 
gardener
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It's Sunday and everyone in the small town has collected at church and are waiting for service to start, and are talking and such as sometimes happens.
Suddenly Satan appears at the front of the church. Pandemonium ensues and people bail. All but one old man who sits calmly in his pew.
This surprises and intrigues the devil so he walks up to the man. "Do you know who I am?" he asks the fellow. "Yep" the old guy replies.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope."
"And why not?" asks the devil.
"Because I've been married to your sister for the past 48 years." he replies.
 
Deb Rebel
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An old woman is sitting on her porch going through a box of assorted 'finds' she got at a neighbor's rummage sale. She find an old brass lamp and gives it a rub to see if it's cleanable, and sure enough, she gets a Genie out of it. "For rubbing the lamp I'll give you three wishes." he tells the old woman.

So she wishes "I want to be young and beautiful again." Poof, she's a young curvy shaply leggy thing of 20 with long hair...

"I want to be very very rich so I can do whatever I want." Poof, a big pile of banded $100 dollar bills is neatly stacked on her deck. "And your third wish?" Asks the Genie.

Just then her old cat jumps into her lap. "Make my old faithful cat here, into a handsome young prince." Poof, he is tall, handsome, well dressed and standing by her chair. The Genie disappears.

The prince leans over and whispers to her, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered all those years ago?"
 
Mike Jay
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Which letter is silent in the word "scent", the S or the C?
 
gardener
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A preacher walking down the street comes up on a young boy sitting on the sidewalk. The boy has a bottle in his hand and he's turning it upside down and back upright watching the bubbles rise. The preacher asks, "What do you have in the bottle, son?" The boy answers, "Well, preacher, this stuff here is the most powerful liquid on Earth." The preacher says, "No. That can't be. Holy water is the most powerful liquid on Earth." He pulls a vial from his pocket and says, "I can rub one drop of this holy water on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a baby boy." The boy laughs and says, "Hell, that ain't nothing. I can rub one drop of this turpentine on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle."
 
gardener
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Pro and con are opposites.
If progress means forward, what does congress mean?

-Nipsy Russell
 
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Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
 
paul wheaton
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The husband says "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
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Paddy's wife went to the doctor,
Doc she says, Paddy's healthy as a horse but our love life just ain't what it used to be.
Well says the doc Have you tried Viagra?
Oh no, she replied, he's the very picture of health, he prides himself on not taking so much as an aspirin.
Try Irish Viagra then, the doc says, slip it into his coffee.
On the next visit the doctor decided to follow up;  How did that Irish Viagra work out, has that situation resolved itself?
Instantly she turned crimson, Oh my stars that was the most awfull thing ever!
Why what happened? he asked
Well I slipped it into his coffee and within a few minutes there was a twinkle in his eye and his pants were bulging fiercely
he tore me clothes to tatters, swept the cups and creamer to the floor and ravished me right on the table!
Why was it awfull then? asked the doc, was his lovemaking clumsy?
Oh no! she replied, It was the best sex I've had in thirty years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
 
Red Smith
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A young farmer fell in love with a newly transplanted feminist from the big city,
one day he picked her a big bouquet of wildflowers and with a shy smile gave them to her.
Instantly her feminist instincts kicked in and determined to put an end to patronism she snapped
"I suppose this means you think I'll be on my back with my legs wide open"!
What the hell?, he stammered, Don't you have a vase?!
 
master steward
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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU EAT!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford :

“The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of you realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 
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When I learned Hungarian, my primer was an old communist era textbook. It contained one example of a joke. Here it is (translated):

A farmer calls up the ministry of agriculture. "What's wrong with my chickens? When I went to check on them this morning they were lying on the ground not moving." The clerk from the ministry answers, "I'll tell you what's wrong with them. They're dead."
 
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Dale Hodgins wrote:This isn't so much a joke as an observation, made by a friend of mine. One of her friends had bought a zucchini.

"If you have to buy a zucchini this time of year, you don't have enough friends."





In the part of Vermont where I used to spend my summers, your friends were the ones who *didn't* try to unload zucchinis on you.

A variant I've heard of one of the previous jokes:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you're rid of him for the summer
 
Dale Hodgins
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Another original here for me.

I was sitting on a bench and some old guys were talking about how a single thought could change your life forever. They were talking about business ideas and such. I decided to mix it up a little.

A girl walked by and I said --- A guy could look at a girl on the street and think, oooh, I like that. A year later he's pushing a baby carriage and taking orders.😂😂😂
 
Mike Jay
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What's the difference between Erotic and Perverted?

Erotic is when you use a feather.

Perverted is when you use the whole bird.
 
Get me the mayor's office! I need to tell him about this tiny ad:
Food Forest Card Game - Game Forum
https://permies.com/t/61704/Food-Forest-Card-Game-Game
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