paul has a new video  

 



visit the thread.

see the DVDs.

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Charles Tarnard
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Apparently not smart enough to embed youtube.
 
Burra Maluca
Mother Tree
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Charles Tarnard wrote:


Apparently not smart enough to embed youtube.


I'll swear the embed button does something different every time I use it...

 
Ben Plummer
gardener
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Yeah, I noticed you can't use the shortened youtube URL (youtu.be), you need to use the full one.
 
Charles Tarnard
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I tried a variety of YouTube addresses and formatting hopes, but in the end just submitted failure. Thankfully, Burra saved the day .
 
Burra Maluca
Mother Tree
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Just found this on reddit

 
Ben Stallings
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How many permaculturalists does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends, but here's how they do it in Australia.

One to observe the burnt-out bulb for a year before designing a comprehensive long-term solution.

Two to debate the pros and cons of fluorescent technology.

One to build a wood-fired oven and make pizzas for the work party.

Twenty-five to attend the work party and construct a "lighting guild" consisting of a skylight, a candle, and off-grid photovoltaics powering new light bulb.

Two to build swales on contour.
 
Craig Dobbson
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Ben: Don't forget the 20 people drumming in a circle and the blob of people in the mud pit "dancing".
 
paul wheaton
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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
 
Craig Dobbson
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Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.

Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"

Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."

B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"

Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
 
John Polk
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One of the local nursing home has started giving Viagra to all the male residents after supper.
They claim it keeps them from rolling out of bed at night.

 
Dave Grimm
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And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."And Jesus said, "What?"

 
paul wheaton
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A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"
 
Craig Dobbson
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What do you call a half-drunk, 500lb woman sitting at a bar with a condom in her back pocket?


A quarter-ton pick up with a bed liner.

 
Ken Peavey
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What do you call a Raggedy Ann doll laying face down in a mud puddle?

A dirty cotton rock sucker.
 
Nicholas Mason
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Why did the super hero flush the toilette?





Because it was his Duty.
My friends son Jed told me that one yesterday.
 
Craig Dobbson
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Why do married men live longer than single men?

- They're told to



Why do men typically die before their wives?


- They want to



A wise man once said: "Time waits for no man... and very few women"
 
Craig Dobbson
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wayne stephen
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Psychic Hotline
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."
 
Craig Dobbson
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Geese always fly in a "V" formation so how come one side of the "V" is always longer?





There's more geese on that side. Duh!
 
John Polk
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I am not crazy ! My mother had me tested.


I think you're confused. That was the Yeast test.

She punched you down, you rose back up within an hour...you had enough yeast!

 
wayne stephen
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A psychoanalyst invites his mother to lunch and makes a terrible Freudian slip . He means to ask her to pass the HotCross buns and says instead "You F#!@^&ing B$#&*ch ! You ruined my life!"
 
Craig Dobbson
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What is a redneck's favorite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump kin


 
paul wheaton
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There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant. "Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
 
Ryan Barrett
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Thanks Paul.

This just helped me remember that I forgot some leftovers in my car.

Be careful when you leave your meat out in the sun.
 
paul wheaton
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from an australian:

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
 
Nick Kitchener
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For Paul, the exercise bacon duality
bacon.jpg
[Thumbnail for bacon.jpg]
 
Eric Thompson
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News reports say that in 2013 the overall crime rate was down 30%...




...but it's probably just because thieves were having more trouble fencing the overalls!
 
John Polk
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An old classic -rewritten by Shel Silverstein:

Old mother Hubbard,
went to the cupboard,
to get her poor doggie a bone.

When she bent over,
Rover drove her.
He had a bone of his own.

 
wayne stephen
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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
 
Sam Barber
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What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
 
Chris Smaglick
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Classic pickup line...

"Am I the cutest thing that you have ever seen, or do I need to buy you another drink? "
2012-1115-SeeIfThisWorks-777.jpg
[Thumbnail for 2012-1115-SeeIfThisWorks-777.jpg]
 
Sam Barber
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Despite all of the scandal revolving around Lance Armstrong this last year he still has one faithful endorsement, Uniball.
 
paul wheaton
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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank and she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.
The old woman approaches him and says "I have 4 million dollars in my purse, and I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square."
The President was completely taken aback, but recollected himself and asked to see the money. The woman opens her purse and sure as hell there is 4 million dollars all in racks of one-hundred dollar bills. He is awestruck, and the old woman again pipes up, "You've seen the money, and I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square. If you have any, come tomorrow at noon so you can lose 10 grand." With this, the woman departs.
At 11 the next day, The President decides he'll take the old lady's challenge. He knows his balls aren't square, and if the woman is serious he will get $10,000 for basically nothing.
He meets with the woman and sees her with a well-dressed man. The woman claimed that he was her lawyer, and that he will make sure the bet isn't cheated. She requests that The President drops his pants, and The President does so. She holds his balls, fondles them a bit, and lets them go. The old woman says, "Well, it seems your balls are round," and have him the money. In the background, the woman's lawyer is bashing his head against the wall. The President questions this and the woman proudly states with a smile "I bet him $100,000 that I'd have the President of Manhattan's First Bank's balls in my hand by noon today."
 
Oliver Casson-Gary
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via Reddit from b3ta.com

 
Jeff Higdon
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Two hunting buddies worked in an office together with a man that was a tremendous braggart. No matter what you said, he would always try to prove that he knew more and was better at it.

After years of listening to the blowhard, the two buddies decided to set him up. They started talking about bear hunting. Sure enough, the braggart took the bait, and waxed eloquent about bear hunting.

The two hunting buddies told him, "Great, we are going bear hunting after we leave work tomorrow. We need someone that can show us the how it is done, so we are bringing you!"

The braggart tried to weasel out of it every way he could, but the two buddies wouldn't let him out of it, so finally his pride got the best of him and he agreed.

The braggart was in a sweat, as he had never hunted, or even fired a gun, in his whole life! As soon as he got off work, he went and bought all the gear he thought he would need for the next day.

The next day after work, the three of them loaded up and headed for the mountains, getting to the cabin after dark.

Early the next day, the braggart got up early and sneaked out, thinking that perhaps he would get lucky and shoot a bear before the other two got up.

He hadn't walked very far down the trail, when lo and behold there was a huge fierce bear, charging straight at him! He threw up his gun and pulled the trigger before he suddenly realized he had not even loaded the gun!

He threw the gun towards the bear and turned, running for his life back towards the cabin, screaming "Open the door, open the door!"

Every step he took the bear was gaining ground. One of the hunting buddies heard his screams and opened the door. Right as the braggart got to the top step, he tripped and fell flat on his face, and the bear went right over the top of him inside of the cabin!

The braggart quickly jumped to his feet, pulled the door shut and hollered "You all skin that bear, I'll go get another one!"
 
Jocelyn Campbell
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Problem solvers unite!
halfglassofwater.jpg
[Thumbnail for halfglassofwater.jpg]
 
Oliver Casson-Gary
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Cats and Dogs

 
Hey cool! They got a blimp! But I have a tiny ad:
Permaculture Playing Cards by Paul Wheaton and Alexander Ojeda
https://permies.com/wiki/57503/digital-market/digital-market/Permaculture-Playing-Cards-Paul-Wheaton
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