jokes

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a pretty blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"
Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."
"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."
The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."
The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says, "I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother fuckers are all right!"