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jokes

 
Jay Wright
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An interesting factoid. The Canary Islands don't have any canaries. Same with the Virgin Islands- no canaries there either!
 
Jay Wright
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An old man in charge of the hire boats at the lake, picks up his binoculars and peers towards the goings on out on the water. He then picks up his megaphone and says Boat number 61! Your time is up- please return to shore. Little kid standing next to him says You haven't got sixty one boats. Old feller thinks about it and says By golly you're right. Boat number nineteen- are you experiencing difficulties?
 
Jay Wright
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I was at a friends funeral. I stood up and asked the widow if I could say something. She said Please- go ahead. So I said Plethora, and sat down. She said Thank you- it means a lot.
 
Greg Martin
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Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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A copy of "A Christmas Carol" fell onto my toe.
It hurt like the Dickens!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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What do you call a teacher that never farts in public??

A private tutor.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Wright
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There was an old farmer who was well known for his huge collection of John Deere machinery, all maintained and running. Eventually he got too old to stay on the farm alone so he sold off the collection and moved into a nursing home. Not long after he was woken by the sounds of fire alarms and people yelling and panicking. The rooms and hallways in the nursiong home were quickly filling with smoke. The old feller stood near the exit, inhaled deeply and blew a cloud of smoke outside. In no time he'd cleared enough smoke that people could see to evacuate the building. A reporter later told him they were calling it a miracle. The old farmer said No, not really- I'm just an old ex tractor fan.  (Insert groans here    )  
 
Dennis Barrow
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Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree.
That makes chocolate a plant.
Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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[God creating ducks]
"Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know..."

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
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What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?



They have the same middle name.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Three of the hardest things for people to say:

I was wrong.

I need help.

Worcestershire sauce.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A lot of people don't know you are actually born with four kidney's.
As you grow up two of them become adult knees.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Wright
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The English tour guide was showing a group of American tourists through the castle which was supposedly the final home of the legendary Robin Hood. As they entered the huge bedroom high in the castle, the tour guide said This is the room where Robin took his last breath. Poisoned by a jealous woman, he lay in this very bed, surrounded by his faithful band of Merry Men, who at that moment were crying quietly and feeling anything but merry. Robin weakly beckoned his friend Little John to his bedside. In little more than a whisper, he said John, I have one final favour to ask of you. Bring me my bow and a single arrow. He gestured towards the open window and said I will release this final shaft, and wherever it may fall, there I ask that you place my body to lie for all eternity. Will you do this for me my friend? Yes Robin, said John, sobbing. He helped Robin to an almost sitting position, placed the arrow on the string and supported his friend as with trembling hands and failing strength, he drew back the bow as far as he was able and released the arrow, before slumping down and breathing no more.
Little John and the Merry Men did exactly as Robin had asked, placing his body where the arrow fell. And that is why to this very day, the mortal remains of Robin Hood lie atop that oak wardrobe in the corner over there.  
 
Dennis Barrow
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I finally did it.
I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into a room now.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I asked myself if I was crazy.
We all decided..... no.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I woke up this morning determined to eat right, drink less, exercise more.
That was four hours ago, I was younger then and full of hope.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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2021
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I told a friend that I invented a thought controlled air freshener.

He said "That's ridiculous!"

I said "It makes scents when you think about it."

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Nancy Reading
steward and tree herder
Posts: 9451
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When a lady's son was going on 10 years old she started to be bothered he didn't look anything like his parents.

Sooo, she had a DNA test done and it turned out that no, he wasn't related to either of them.

She's telling her husband who is unperturbed and she gets exasperated with him about it.

He said "I'm not surprised at all. Remember when we were leaving the hospital and he pooped?

You said take him back in and change him, so I changed him for a clean one."

How Permies works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads
My projects on Skye: The tree field, Growing and landracing, perennial polycultures, "Don't dream it - be it! "

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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I sing like a prisoner... behind a few bars and looking for the key!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Greg Martin
steward
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2021
7
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A truck hauling a full load of Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.

There was no congestion for 8 hours.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
7554
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Puzzles would be the only game I play, but I don’t want to box myself in.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why did the jigsaw puzzle break up with its partner? They just didn’t fit together.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What did the alien puzzle say when it landed on Earth?

We come in pieces.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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511
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I love board games.
My favorite one is where people put meat and cheese on a board,
maybe some fruit and crackers.
I'm so good at that one!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What building in your town has the most stories?

The public library.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do you call a deer that loves being out in the rain?

A reindeer

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
master steward
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A teenage boy tells his father, “Dad, there’s trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor.” The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor, that’s ridiculous!” But the son insists. “I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor.”

His father, starting to get a little nervous, says “You don’t even know what a carburetor is…. but I will check it out. Where is the car?”

“It’s in the pool.”

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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1090
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Are you ready to go to the gym?

No, I'm still working on the before picture.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Greg Martin
steward
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2021
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Engineers have successfully produced a car that can run on parsley!

They are now working on a train that can run on thyme.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Definition of Dad Jokes: Humor you have never out groan

:D

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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"It's not about how many times you fall!  It's about how many times you get back up!!"

Cop: "That's not how sobriety tests work."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Me when I drive by a field with a bunch of cows:  "Look, a flock of cows."

One of the kids:  "Herd of cows dad!!!"

Me:  "Course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
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2021
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My Tennis opponent was not happy with my serves.

He kept returning them.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2477
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1090
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What did the firefighter say when he saw a church on fire?


Holy smokes!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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My psychologist says I'm addicted to puns about textiles and needlework.  

Or sew it would seam.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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What’s the biggest risk of telling sewing jokes?

You might run out of new material.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner…

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Cob is sand, clay and sometimes straw. This tiny ad is made of cob:
List of Rocket Mass Heater Builders
https://permies.com/wiki/122347/List-Rocket-Mass-Heater-Builders
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