jokes

Never blame others for the road your on...........

That's your own asphalt.

11:59:59 is the best time.

Second to noon.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror.

What's the difference between a good burger and a shooting star?

The burger is very meaty and the other is a little meteor.

Well, it finally happened.  I got kicked out of the coffee club

I was wearing a tea shirt.

A group of aeronautical engineering professors were invited to fly for free on a new aircraft that was just being introduced.

As the door was closing and the plane was about to take off, a voice over the intercom said, “Thank you for your confidence in taking the inaugural flight on this new aircraft.  It was designed and built by all of your students over this past year.

All the professors began to unbuckle their seatbelts and  make their way to the exit door of the plane, with the exception of one, who remained calmly seated with a smile on his face.

One of the professors who was standing in line to exit the plane asked him why he wasn't getting off of the plane, knowing that the plane was built by some of his recent students.

The Professor replied, “Because they are our students.”

Another professor who was standing close by asked, “So you are sure that you taught your students well enough to build this?

The sitting professor smiled and said, “No, I’m not sure, but I AM sure that it won't fly.”

I got called  pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!",
But I only focus on the positive things.

What do you call it when you plan to go to the beach, but it’s raining?

Really irrigating.

(Slight) improvement on one of Dennis Barrow's from page 88:

Why should you never marry a tennis player?
They may have a smashing personality, but to them, love means nothing.

Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why don't gardeners have secrets?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beans stalk!

Why did the gardener go to the baseball game?

He wanted to see the pitcher plants!

Why did the gardener become a race car driver?

He wanted to speed up the growth of his plants!

I just discovered that someone has been putting soil in my yard.

The plot thickens!

A lady orders fresh ground coffee.

The waiter brings her coffee.
She takes a sip and spits it out.
Lady:  This is soil!  Why did you serve me soil?
Waiter:  You did ask for fresh ground.

What happens to a potato who's home plot triples in value?

It becomes an affluent-tato!

It takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater.

Really?  I didn't even know they could knit!

My dog ate an entire string of christmas lights. But thankfully, my vet removed them.

Hows he doing?

He's delighted.

During the battle of Thermopylae, among the remaining Spartans was a contingent of 900 soldiers from the city-state of Thespis.

Rumor has it the battle was lost because the Thespians kept asking, "What is my motivation?"

Why do we park on "driveways" and drive on "parkways"?

What did the reviewers have to say about the newest model of whetstone?

"It's cutting-edge technology!"

Santa walks into a Bistro the day before Christmas eve. After he's seated and the server comes to take his order, Santa says, "This is a bit of a tradition for me. The night before my busy day, I always have Eggs Benedict. I'd also like it served on this shiny hubcap." At which point Santa reaches in his satchel and hands the server a hubcap.

When the kitchen hears that Santa is in the house, they're on point and fast. The Chef personally ran the food. When the Chef delivered the perfectly prepared Eggs Benedict on the shiny hubcap, he said, "I'm very honored that you're here Santa, but why did you want your Eggs Benedict on this hubcap?"

Santa says, "Because, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace at Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll. One that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?” she asked.
My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ”Hang on Granny! Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”
I told him she was Jay’s friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The dog screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called gorilla tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
😄😄😄
*Copied and pasted from elsewhere and have no idea who's story it really is but it's funny.*

I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me.  The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf.  Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist.  I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a Guinness, you idiot.  You can also find a Stella in carriage 6, dumbass.  There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."

I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information.  Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.

"Don't worry" he said. "Rude Olf the red knows train beer."

What do you get when you cross a penguin with a teacher?

A formal education



Stole this from a Wizard of ID comic.

And 2023...

I had a thought, but then unfortunately, I had a second thought.
They ricocheted off each other and now I can't find either one.

I'm a trust fund baby.
My parents trusted me to go fund myself.

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.

An elf, a dwarf and a man walk into a bar........

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.....

The lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a temper tantrum?

A meltdown.

.

.

What did Jimmy Cliff say when the temperatures dropped and the rain turned to snow at the mountain resort?

I can ski clearly now, the rain is gone!

What did the cloud say to the freezing precipitation?

Parting is such sleet sorrow!

Even though I am clear, people describe me as black,
And if you slip on me, you could break your back.
I also make driving pretty dicey,
In fact, the accidents I cause get pretty pricey.
What am I?



Black ice

To the person who stole my camouflage jacket and flip flops.......

You can hide, but you can't run.

Bread is like the sun,
it rises in the yeast
and sets in the waist.