jokes

A degree in agriculture is great to have.
It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

What do you call a traffic jam full of cows?  

A moo-ving violation!

What did we say and exclaim in pleasure when we saw the wonderful and splendid fruits of the spindle tree?

“Wahoo!”

A couple weeks ago, I won a pumpkin carving contest.
It was a hollow victory.

Why did all the toys in the toybox dislike the Russian doll?

Because she was full of herself.

What do you call a raccoon who prefers Apple Computers?  

A Maccoon!

What has antlers and sucks blood?

A moose-quito.

I have done it!! I combined the DNA of a crab and the DNA of a cheetah!!!

....things went sideways really fast

What's a raccoon's favorite sport?  

Dumpster diving!

What’s a mountain’s favorite type of music?

Anything with good peaks and valleys.

From the vet clinic I work at

Last year I threw a boomerang....been living in fear ever since.

Did you hear about the moose that came out of the national park and robbed a bank?

He led the police on a wild moose chase.

Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?

To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.

You need to be cautious if you eat at Sam and Ella's Diner.

I’ve started work on a new underground house. When I’m done with it, it will make the largest water catchment I’ve ever dug.

Avoid darning at all costs. It’s unholey.

When will Ryan Gosling be old enough to be called Ryan Goose?

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It’s a relephant.

A young man with a lucrative job in business asks his grandpa for advice, who is busy splitting wood.

“I am so lazy”, he says. “I come back from work and can’t keep myself together, I’m so tired. But I have to cook dinner and usually just eat some unhealthy snacks. My head spins and I can’t concentrate, and I feel horrible.”  

“Then retire”, says Grandpa.

“I can’t retire, I’d lose my money!” he says. But he tries out of faith. Suddenly he has so much more concentrative ability, and can focus on cooking and other important things, but soon enough can’t pay the oil bills.

“What shall I do?” he asks Grandpa.

Grandpa says, “get rid of the furnace!” So he does. He puts on his coats and snowpants and thick socks and starts using the fireplace. He saves money, but the rest of the house is cold.

Grandson: “help me! I can’t heat the whole house—I go to another part and my breath freezes into snow!”
“I’m better off financially now, but I’m so cold!” he says.

Grandpa: “Then maybe get rid of the house if it’s too big!”

So the grandson sells his house and builds a tiny house in the country near his grandfather’s farm. It’s very easy to heat, but being outside of the city he starts to feel lonely.

Grandpa says, “come split wood with me!”

Where do bugs get off the train?

At the infestation

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A Centipede.

People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

Let’s all just admit that “solar flare” is just a fancy name for a sun fart...