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Christopher Weeks
master gardener
Posts: 5940
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A degree in agriculture is great to have.
It allows you to work in a variety of fields.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a traffic jam full of cows?  

A moo-ving violation!

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M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 1905
Location: Zone 5
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What did we say and exclaim in pleasure when we saw the wonderful and splendid fruits of the spindle tree?

“Wahoo!”

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
Christopher Weeks
master gardener
Posts: 5940
Location: Carlton County, Minnesota, USA: 3b; Dfb; sandy loam; in the woods
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A couple weeks ago, I won a pumpkin carving contest.
It was a hollow victory.
 
Jay Angler
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Why did all the toys in the toybox dislike the Russian doll?

Because she was full of herself.

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Jay Angler
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What do you call a raccoon who prefers Apple Computers?  

A Maccoon!

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Jay Angler
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What has antlers and sucks blood?

A moose-quito.

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Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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I have done it!! I combined the DNA of a crab and the DNA of a cheetah!!!

....things went sideways really fast

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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What's a raccoon's favorite sport?  

Dumpster diving!

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Jay Angler
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What’s a mountain’s favorite type of music?

Anything with good peaks and valleys.

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Saralee Couchoud
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From the vet clinic I work at
Screenshot_20251125_093006_Messages.jpg
From the vet clinic I work at
From the vet clinic I work at
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3548
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Last year I threw a boomerang....been living in fear ever since.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the moose that came out of the national park and robbed a bank?

He led the police on a wild moose chase.

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Jay Angler
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?

To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.

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Jay Angler
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You need to be cautious if you eat at Sam and Ella's Diner.

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M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 1905
Location: Zone 5
1035
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I’ve started work on a new underground house. When I’m done with it, it will make the largest water catchment I’ve ever dug.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
M Ljin
master gardener
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Avoid darning at all costs. It’s unholey.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
Jay Angler
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When will Ryan Gosling be old enough to be called Ryan Goose?

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Jay Angler
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.

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Jay Angler
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What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It’s a relephant.

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M Ljin
master gardener
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1035
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A young man with a lucrative job in business asks his grandpa for advice, who is busy splitting wood.

“I am so lazy”, he says. “I come back from work and can’t keep myself together, I’m so tired. But I have to cook dinner and usually just eat some unhealthy snacks. My head spins and I can’t concentrate, and I feel horrible.”  

“Then retire”, says Grandpa.

“I can’t retire, I’d lose my money!” he says. But he tries out of faith. Suddenly he has so much more concentrative ability, and can focus on cooking and other important things, but soon enough can’t pay the oil bills.

“What shall I do?” he asks Grandpa.

Grandpa says, “get rid of the furnace!” So he does. He puts on his coats and snowpants and thick socks and starts using the fireplace. He saves money, but the rest of the house is cold.

Grandson: “help me! I can’t heat the whole house—I go to another part and my breath freezes into snow!”
“I’m better off financially now, but I’m so cold!” he says.

Grandpa: “Then maybe get rid of the house if it’s too big!”

So the grandson sells his house and builds a tiny house in the country near his grandfather’s farm. It’s very easy to heat, but being outside of the city he starts to feel lonely.

Grandpa says, “come split wood with me!”

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
Jay Angler
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Where do bugs get off the train?

At the infestation

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Jay Angler
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What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A Centipede.

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Jay Angler
master steward
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People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

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Jay Angler
master steward
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Let’s all just admit that “solar flare” is just a fancy name for a sun fart...

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M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 1905
Location: Zone 5
1035
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The emperor heard from a wise person that someone buried in St. John’s Wort would go to heaven, because the demons were afraid of the scent. So when he died, he had it written down that he should be buried with St. John’s wort.

So he died and was buried, and woke up somewhere with a high vaulted ceiling. Thinking, “I’ve made it!” he decided to sit up and say hello to all the angels. Instead he saw enormous, grotesque forms scrutinizing him in a wide circle. They began to howl and cackle and chatter in the most deafening manner, and fire crackled and snarled and fumed. The emperor then realized that the air around him was very, very hot. He had been fooled! He huffed in frustration at his fate.

“Fine, demons”, he said, “but can you touch me?” They did not come closer.

He picked up a bundle of herbs and waved them at the demons. They howled and cowered. So he marched down the hall and came finally upon the throne of Satan, who was a hundred feet tall with fire and smoke coming out of his nostrils, horrific horns, intimidating wings (four of them) and all in all the typical accoutrements of the lord of Hell. Along with these things was seen a large retinue of beasts and beings even more horrific than the ones previously seen.

The throne was made of jagged stone carved with faces contorted in various extreme emotion. And in the cracks between the tiles of the floor, there were stalks of grass coming up, each one with enormous ticks hanging from it like grapes. The emperor approached Satan, who stood up and drew his sword and cackled and swayed and stuck his tongue out. But the emperor walked right up to him and he leapt away from the upheld flowers. The throne now vacant, he walked right up to it and sat down. From then on he managed the affairs of Hell contentedly.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 1905
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1035
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How do I describe the taste of the rock tripe?

There is little to which I can lichen it, but perhaps slightly mushroomy will suffice.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
Christopher Weeks
master gardener
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Giant redwood trees really are so cool; they just have something incredibly special going on. It's hard to describe if you haven't seen them.

They have a certain je ne sequoia, if you will.
 
Jay Angler
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The sun doesn’t need to go to university.

It already has 27 million degrees.

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Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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My email password was hacked again.

It's the third time I've had to rename my dog....

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15916
Location: SW Missouri
12044
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit went to a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit "what type are you?"
"I'm probably a type O" the rabbit replied.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Phil Swindler
pollinator
Posts: 299
Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States
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Catherine Windrose wrote::.)



I have a copy of the book,  "Do Penguins Have Knees?"

Your friend isn't always right and your enemy isn't always wrong.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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My boss told me to stop impersonating a flamingo... so I had to put my foot down.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Greg Martin
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Got a job at the bakery.
I kneaded the dough.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Matt McSpadden
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As part of a major rebrand... all cowboys and cowgirls will now be referred to as cattle technicians!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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If you want to make box wine a little more classy, just call it cardboardeaux!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever is bugging them.

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Jay Angler
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I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

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Forget this weirdo. You guys wanna see something really neat? I just have to take off my shoe .... (hint: it's a tiny ad)
Learn Permaculture through a little hard work
https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp
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