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jokes

 
M Ljin
gardener
Posts: 1252
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What do you call it when there is a rather large stand of burning bush?

A bush fire.
 
Matt McSpadden
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Did you hear about the famous contest in 1874 to choose the best neckwear?

It was a tie!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I finally did it!!!
I bought a new pair of shoes withe memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the Kitchen!!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Matt McSpadden
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My horse has decided she will only come out of the barn after dark.

It's becoming a real night mare.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
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Doctor: "I'm Dr. Smith, and I will be delivering your baby today"

Dad: "I'd actually rather that he kept his liver..."

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
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Did you hear about the huge sale down at the Lego store?

People are lined up for blocks!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Greg Martin
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My grandfather had only one leg, but it didn't stop him from working 40 years for the local brewery.  He was in charge of the hops.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do you call a long-nosed mammal who loves to garden?

A yardvark.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a traffic jam full of musicians?  

A band-width issue!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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How do you figure out what sex an ant is? Put it in water.
If it sinks it's a girl ant.
If it floats....

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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Speed never killed anyone... it's suddenly becoming stationary that's the killer.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?  

The don't have the stomach for it.


'Tis the season...

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
M Ljin
gardener
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Q: Why is shooting a photo to print more deadly than shooting a gun to make a taxidermy?

A: what gun squashes the third dimension and makes you flat as paper?
 
Les Frijo
Posts: 59
Location: zone 4
14
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What are the sexiest animals on the farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

The more I learn, the less I know.

 
Jay Angler
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?  

Because he had no body to go with.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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What's a vampire's favourite fruit?  

Necktarines.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a moose that plays the trumpet?

A mooseician.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Greg Martin
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Where do bad rainbows go?

To Prism, but it's only a light sentence.



And it gives them time to reflect.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide.  What is H2O4?

To drink
(or to swim!)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Why did the single celled organism fail math class?

She tried to multiply by dividing.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Anne Miller
steward
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Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A. Because everyone was a goblin!

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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It was Halloween.
A kid came to the door with a sign "I love ceilings!"
"What are you?"
"I'm a ceiling fan!"
I gave him all the candy I had :D

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3012
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1542
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Saw a kid come to the door with watches hanging all around his belt.

He said he was a waist of time.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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525
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A police office arrives at the scene of an accident in which a car hit a tree.

The cop rushes over to the car and asked the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How should I know" replied the man, "I'm not a lawyer."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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What do you call someone who tells dad jokes, but isn't a dad?

A faux pa

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I decided to get into prepping, so I buried some supplies out by the pig pen. Somebody squealed.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra
Scooby dooby do …St. Thomas

 
John F Dean
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I understand Santa is setting up a branch office at the South Pole. Yep. He is going bi-polar.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra
Scooby dooby do …St. Thomas

 
Donner MacRae
pioneer
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What does an ocelot look like?

Like an ocelittle, only bigger.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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Worker - There, that is the deepest well we have ever dug!
Foreman - What is with the light at the bottom?
Worker - I don't know, we just followed these plans.
Foreman - *looks at plans* Idiot! You were supposed to build a lighthouse!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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They say the more colorful a salad is, the healthier it is for you.... so I replaced all my croutons with M&M's!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Timothy Norton
Steward of piddlers
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What steps should you take in the event of a fire?

Big ones.

- Tim's Homestead Journal - Purchase a copy of Building a Better World in Your Backyard - Purchase 6 Decks of Permaculture Cards -
- Purchase 12x Decks of Permaculture Cards - Purchase a copy of the SKIP Book - Purchase 12x copies of Building a Better World in your Backyard

 
Timothy Norton
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What do you call it when you poke your eye putting on safety glasses?

Eye-rony.

- Tim's Homestead Journal - Purchase a copy of Building a Better World in Your Backyard - Purchase 6 Decks of Permaculture Cards -
- Purchase 12x Decks of Permaculture Cards - Purchase a copy of the SKIP Book - Purchase 12x copies of Building a Better World in your Backyard

 
M Ljin
gardener
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At one time a large contingent of fairies passed over a log bridge from the north side to the south side. A dryad tried to follow but could not make it across.

“Help me across!” said the dryads.

“Lichen help!” said one of the fairies, and caused a thick growth of lichen to appear.

“I still can’t get a grasp”, said the dryad.

“Here, grass!” said the fairy, and grass leapt up from the bridge. Finally the dryad could get some roots onto the bridge.

“But I have no room on the other side for sprouting”, said the dryad.

“Nay, on this side you shall have mushroom!” said the fairy. So the fairies, working hard together, pushed the old tree over the river, and when mushrooms grew, ate them.

A large contingent of fairies passed over a log bridge from the south side to the north side. A dryad tried to follow but could not make it across.
 
Christopher Weeks
master gardener
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I'm not into lawn care. With me it's more like lawn don't care!
 
Jay Angler
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What do moose eat for breakfast?

Moose-li.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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I tried rock climbing once. It was a pretty gneiss experience.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
... and then the monkey grabbed this tiny ad!
The new gardening playing cards kickstarter is now live!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards
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