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jokes

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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"I saw that" said Karma.

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis

 
Jay Angler
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What’s an omnivore’s favorite food?

Zoo-chini.


What did the vegetable say to its love?

I love you from my head to-ma-toes.


Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep? It was pasta bedtime.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Mike Haasl
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I replaced my rooster with a duck.  Now I get up at the quack of dawn.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
Mike Haasl
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I have piles and piles of laundry to do.  I'm not sure which is worse...

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
Mike Haasl
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I walked in on my wife making love to her personal trainer.  I said "This isn't working out".

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
Mike Haasl
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I told my doc that the hemorrhoid cream that she prescribed caused an awful reaction.  She asked where I applied it.  I said the bus.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
Dennis Barrow
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Today the forecast was partly cloudy.
Tomorrow the forecast is partly sunny.
How do they decide which one it is???

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Matt McSpadden
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Don't wash your hair in the shower!
(It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful)

It involves the shampoo, when it runs down your body when you shower with it.... a warning to us all!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning... "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME".

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of this shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead.
It's label reads... "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".

Problem solved!

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Some people age like fine wine.  I aged like milk …sour and chunky.

At my age, Happy Hour is a nap.

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces.

User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have consecutive capital letters.

User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character.

User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow

Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Most bald people still own a comb............... they just can't part with it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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People who think you get boring as you age have clearly never experienced the thrill of seeing two hummingbirds at the feeder at the same time!!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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504
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Don't eat aluminum...........

or you'll sheet metal.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Today I realized that I am never going to have to worry about me and wife arguing about who's right or wrong.

Because I was lucky enough to find a wife who is never wrong.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If your wife is mad at you, buy a fishing pole.
She'll still be mad at you but you will have a new fishing pole.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I have found the hardest part about retirement is that I miss going to work and whining about not wanting to be there.

At my age, Happy Hour is a nap.

 
Jay Angler
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Let's take a trip to the beach. I could really use some Vitamin Sea.



Which condiment adds the most kick?

Horseradish.


Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was nothing left but de bris

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a cat?                    Claude.


What do you call a dog magician?                         A labracadabrador.


What’s the least spoken language?               Sign language.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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504
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I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, I have no idea what's going on and now I have to pee.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Did you know a slice of apple pie cost $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahama's?

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3426
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1969
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Green is, by far, my favorite color.

Heck, I love it as much as blue and yellow combined!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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I am going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder.
I can't keep pulling all the weight myself.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Nancy Reading
steward and tree herder
Posts: 8444
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3997
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What sort of a diet do lions have?

Roar food.

How Permies works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads
My projects on Skye: The tree field, Growing and landracing, perennial polycultures, "Don't dream it - be it! "

 
Little Jade
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What do you call a hippies wife?
 
Jay Angler
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Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.”  Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables. I said that’s not nececelery true.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Mike Haasl
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My wife left me because I'm so insecure :(

Oh wait, she was just out getting coffee.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I have to confess that I always enjoy reading Pearl’s posts about dumpster diving.  As a baby, women like her saved my life many times.

At my age, Happy Hour is a nap.

 
Jay Angler
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As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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I recently took a pole. And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

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Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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I got paid today, opened the envelope, there was no check, just a lot of parsley and a slice of orange.
Crap.
My wages have been garnished.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 6989
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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As I get older I find I only need 6 hours of sleep each day and another 8 hours each night.

At my age, Happy Hour is a nap.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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They say that every hour you spend exercising is another hour added on to your life.
But what good is having all that time if you are just going to spend it on exercise?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Little Jade
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Little Jade wrote:What do you call a hippies wife?



Mississippi
 
Mike Haasl
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She looked surprised.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property

 
K Eilander
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Never let a fan fall over on its back.
(It might blow up.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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I only know 25 letters of the English alphabet... I don't know why.

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I reported my English prof for plagiarism when I realized she use the same 26 letters as Hemingway.

At my age, Happy Hour is a nap.

 
I didn't like the taste of tongue and it didn't like the taste of me. I will now try this tiny ad:
turnkey permaculture paradise for zero monies
https://permies.com/t/267198/turnkey-permaculture-paradise-monies
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