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jokes

 
pollinator
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I can't afford an Ancestry DNA kit to learn about my relatives.
So instead, I posted online that I had won the Lottery.
 
master gardener
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Carla Burke
master gardener
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steward
Posts: 14349
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
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There's a guy in my town who often dips his testicles in glitter.  It's pretty nuts...

 
Mike Haasl
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A dung beetle walked into a bar and asked "Is this stool taken"?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "I know, but while I've got them, neither can he!"
 
master gardener
Posts: 5192
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1677
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What did the snail say while riding on the turtle’s back?  Wheeeee!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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After raising pigs for a good part of my life, I have learned that the best thing to do when a hog charges is to pay him.
 
master gardener
Posts: 8927
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
4508
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What did one math book say to the other?

Don’t bother me, I’ve got my own problems here.
 
Jay Angler
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So my neighbour sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden and asks what I'm doing.
"I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order."
"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"
"It's right next to the sage."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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A friend perfected his garden flower beds through a process of trowel and error.
 
Jay Angler
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And just because it's Good Friday tomorrow...

Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?
Because it’s always on a sundae!

What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital?    
Albunny, New York!

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
An Easter basket case!
 
Carla Burke
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Carla Burke
master gardener
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[Thumbnail for 338475258_1361969327985230_8276892821510328961_n.jpg]
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If 2 vegan's are arguing, is it considered beef?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Whenever I have a panick attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth..... and drink all the bourbon inside.  It seems to help.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I haven't lost all my marbles yet, but there is definitely a hole in the bag somewhere.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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😢 I'm posting this with a heavy heart.
As much as I love hunting, scouting, fishing and everything that comes with it...this is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of work, cleaning, cooking, maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Vacuum cleaner
2. Dustpan and brush
3. Mop and bucket
4. Lawn Mower
5. Leaf blower
6. Laundry detergent
7. Iron
8. Broom
9. Oven
 
steward
Posts: 3171
Location: Maine, zone 5
1735
6
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This past week if has finally warmed up and melted most of the snow at my place.  The last of the maple sap run has been boiled down and jarred, the cornelian cherry trees are blooming, the ramps are up....ahhh, it's spring!  It inspires.....jokes!

The bed store is having a spring sale!
Unfortunately, the rest of the mattress is still full price.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3171
Location: Maine, zone 5
1735
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When’s the best time to wash your Slinky?

During spring cleaning.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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How do you make a waterbed its most bouncy?

Fill it with spring water!
 
Greg Martin
steward
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What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

Seasoning.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Why do we walk out into an early spring day and say "Ahhhh"?

Because it's the season of re-leaf.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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What do you call a tree from another planet?

A extra-tree-restrial
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call two rows of vegetables?

A duel cabbage way
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants, but you've probably heard of herbivore.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My mind thinks I'm 25.
My body thinks I'm and idiot.
 
gardener
Posts: 429
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
240
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Q. Why don't minstrels make good pirates?
A. Because they bury their lute.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I live in Montana at 5000 feet.
Had 2 bee hives doing really, really well.
Then they were visited by a bear.  He cleaned  them out but I had hope that hey would rebound.
I moved the hives into an enclosure and hoped.
Two nights later the bear returned and finished the job after tearing out the fencing and breaking some fence posts.
Looking forward to my new rug.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Mosquito's fly close to your ear
because they love it when people punch themselves in the face.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 5192
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I was having an unusually difficult time walking up my driveway the other day.  My wife is on this herbal medicine kick and made some kind of concoction using lard as a base. She told me to rub it all over myself.  It didn’t work. Honestly, after that I went down hill pretty rapidly.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Why do plants hate algebra?

It gives them square roots!


Ok, now for a VERY serious question....do any mints actually have square roots?  So many questions.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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The illegal smuggling of mimes....

nobody talks about it.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 11922
Location: SW Missouri
7233
2
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Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.
The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by the unmistakable sounds and smells of a serious shit.
The medicine man smiles and says, “With fronds like these who needs enemas?”
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Why don't demons fear oxidation?
Because there's no rust for the wicked
 
Oh, sure, you could do that. Or you could eat some pie. While reading this tiny ad:
Tour of Wheaton Labs, the Movie! - now available!
https://permies.com/w/tour
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