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jokes

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 2 months ago

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In the past decade over 110 people have died in gyms. In that same period of time, only one person has died eating donuts. Stats don’t lie.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 2 months ago

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On the subject of fitness, the average person used 14 muscles to pour a cup of coffee. Fitness is my passion.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 months ago

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Why was the storm so good at romance?

It always knew how to make sparks fly.

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Jay Angler

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posted 2 months ago

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What do you call a rodent that steals your dessert?

A pie-rat.

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 2 months ago

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I spent 10 minutes this morning trying to straighten out the wrinkles in my socks. Then I realized I wasn’t wearing any.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 961

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 months ago

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What's worse than a box full of snakes???

A box that was supposed to be full of snakes!!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 1 month ago

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Be patient with geologists - they all have their faults.

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Jay Angler

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posted 1 month ago

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My rock collection has so much sedimental valure.

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Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 3198

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

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posted 1 month ago

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Instructions for how to fall down the stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 11
Step 18 and 19

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
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Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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I woke up in the middle of the night and saw two white eyes at the foot of my bed. I'm so sorry I keep a baseball bat by the bed. It was moonlight on my big toenails. I guess I should be glad my pistol was farther away.

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Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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I'm all into fitness ... fitness whole pizza into my mouth.
BTW - tried a chicken/bacon/ranch pizza - WOW! And my wife makes the best Reuben pizza!

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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I once went to one of those “Live Your Dream” seminars. The next day I was fired from my job for showing up in my underwear.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 1 month ago

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The miner got sick of his job because it was just boring.

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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I opened a new account today on the net. When it asked for a password, I typed in “penis”. It responded “too short”.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 1 month ago

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How does the Easter Bunny travel? By hare-plane.

Why was the Easter Bunny bad at arguing? He always jumps to conclusions.

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”

Happy Easter everyone!

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Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16108

Location: SW Missouri

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posted 1 month ago

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Just before sweet potatoes are mashed they become very quiet.

This is known as "the silence of the yams."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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I was invited to a wedding and reception at the church across from the cemetery by my property. All of a sudden a woman made a big fuss about the $300 she had in her purse that was missing. So I went to the men’s room and checked in my pocket. There was only $50.00. How can some people lie like that?!

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9747

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posted 1 month ago

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There’s no halfway with a geologist—it’s all ore nothing.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9747

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posted 1 month ago

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Why do storms like to dance?

They have a lot of lightning moves.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9747

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posted 1 month ago

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I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner...

I guess more just grain...

Distilled, fermented grain...

I had a whisky for dinner tonight.

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Mike Haasl

steward

Posts: 16143

Location: Northern WI (zone 4)

5259

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posted 1 month ago

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I know a young man from Peru
His limericks all end on line two

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

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Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9756

Location: Missouri Ozarks

5371

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posted 1 month ago

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I knew an old veterinarian. He had a quirky sense of humor.

He once told a veterinary student that developing goat kids will grow longer incisors, so when they're born they can latch on to mama more readily.

He called it " Fangs for the Mammaries".....

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9756

Location: Missouri Ozarks

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posted 1 month ago

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1775743190341.png

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 1 month ago

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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2-5-3-1-4 Sorry, The Elevator Is Out Of Order

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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9 y-o: "How do you use this Bear Spray?" 11 y-o: "You spray it all over your body to keep bears away." Me: "Hey! Wait! No! No! That's not how it works!"

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3454

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posted 1 month ago

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My wife has been less than happy with me for a while now. This latest episode began on Valentines Day. I forgot it until daybreak that morning. I knew I was going to be gone for the day and nor be back till late. I wanted to do something. So I scribbled a note on a paper towel “Happy VD Day”. Apparently that wasn’t a good idea,

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3454

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posted 1 month ago

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Things have been getting better between us. She had a headache, so we had one of those quiet moments on the sofa with me rubbing her head. I asked her what she did for headaches before she net met me. She responded she never had headaches before she met me.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3454

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posted 1 month ago

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I just finished grilling a chicken. It still won’t tell me why it crossed the road.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8558

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3454

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posted 1 month ago

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My wife just texted me “ Wish you were here.” Of course, I asked her were she was. She had taken a walk and was in the cemetery that adjoins our property.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

L Robertson

Posts: 18

Location: North Central Missouri USA, USDA zone 6a

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posted 1 month ago

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Where do bad rainbows go?

They go to Prism.

It is a short sentence but it gives them time to reflect.

Olivia Lopez

Posts: 4

posted 1 month ago

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Why don’t fish do well in school?

Because they’re always swimming below “sea” level. 🐟 XD!

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15390

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 weeks ago

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Getting my kite stuck in a tree is not my favorite thing in the world. But it's up there.

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Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16108

Location: SW Missouri

12351

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posted 3 weeks ago

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I'm so sorry to hear your friend was run over by a boat in Venice!

My gondolences :(

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 3 weeks ago

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean my mother. Wait! No! That's supposed to be !YOUR! mother!

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 3 weeks ago

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A friend who works in Chicago says the media has blown the reports of violence way out of proportion. He should know, he works as a tail gunner on an elementary school bus.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. This time, do it with this tiny ad:

grow your own garden and build your own home in the gardening gardeners program

https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp