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jokes

 
Jay Angler
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The History of Medicine:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.

2001 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.  Here, EAT THIS ROOT.

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Matt McSpadden
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Bob - "Cows kills more people than sharks"

Rob - "... I'm surprised cows kill any sharks".

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What do you call a factory that makes Okay products?

A Satisfactory.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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2027
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At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”

“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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I entered a contest at the local senior citizens center. I won atrophy.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Matt McSpadden
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You know you are getting old when you look at the clock to see if it's late enough to go to bed.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
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The really great thing about getting older with a fuzzy memory is that I can read these jokes every day and enjoy them each time.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Tim Siemens
pollinator
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What do you call a dead magician?..... An abracadaver.

No man is an island.

 
John F Dean
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I just realized that for many years I have had an embarrassing misunderstanding.   I thought I was supposed to get older and wider.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
John F Dean
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I seriously messed up.  I decided to raise crows instead of chickens.   I was arrested for attempted murder.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Dennis Barrow
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A guy buys a talking centipede for $500 and takes it home in a box.

After 30 minutes he opens the box and asks:  "Would you like to go for a beer?"

The centipede doesn't answer.  He raises his voice and asks again.  Still no reply.

Getting angry, he shouts the question loudly!

At which point the centipede sticks its head out of the box and says:

"I heard you the first time, I'm putting my flipping shoes on".

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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Why do bunnies have such soft fur?

They use hare conditioner.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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I saw an ad today
"Radio for sale, volume stuck on full.  $2.00"
I thought
"I can't turn that down!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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What do you call an island with dozens of pear trees?

Pear-adise.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-enated!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I noticed that in the past year my back goes out more than I do.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If the human population held hands around the equator.............

A significant portion of them..... would drown.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I was in the big city last week and stumbled on an old haberdashery downtown.  I walked in and was amazed at the selection of men’s underwear.  I asked the gentleman behind the counter what he would recommend .  He looked at me and nodded …and then quietly said “depends”.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
John F Dean
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I know it’s hard to believe, but my wife and I had an all nighter last night.  Yep, we slept until morning before we had to use the bathroom!

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
K Eilander
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Once I was on a train and a pretty woman said “Every time you smile I just want to invite you back to my place!”

I asked her if she was single.

“Actually I’m a dentist.”

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Maieshe Ljin
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Don’t know if this is any good but might as well try.

Once some permaculturists were talking to each other on the phone. They were planning on meeting up for a seed and plant exchange. Now, one has a prized Korean nut pine in her backyard that was ten years old.

One says to the other, “I tried some of your pine today”.
“What do you mean?”
“I dug up some root of your pine, harvested and boiled the roots, and then replanted the stem. It tasted okay, starchy like potato and a little bitter. I’m not sure if I will eat your pine again unless I’m starving.”
“You ate MY PINE?”
“No, I ate the your pine!”
“That’s what I just said!”
 
Maieshe Ljin
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Maybe more a riddle than a joke? It seems as if someone got it. Here is the clue in case you have no idea what I am talking about.
IMG_0968.jpeg
the your pine
the your pine
 
Donner MacRae
pioneer
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I just found out this is not in fact a song.... Kinda bummed, now.

Chim-Panzee on a mountain top
Thirty thousand feet to drop
Spot a lady on a runaway horse
Ah-hah, that's right, of course

Chim-Panzee to the rescue!

Go, Chimpanzee!
Go, Chimpanzee!

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Mike Haasl
steward
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4989
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I was looking at my ceiling the other day.  It's not the best ceiling but it's definitely up there.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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Rest in Peace, boiled water.  You will be mist.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Timothy Norton
Steward of piddlers
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I recently had a deer come through and eat the tops off of my tulips. It's de-flora-ble.

- Tim's Homestead Journal - Purchase a copy of Building a Better World in Your Backyard - Purchase 6 Decks of Permaculture Cards -
- Purchase 12x Decks of Permaculture Cards - Purchase a copy of the SKIP Book - Purchase 12x copies of Building a Better World in your Backyard

 
Timothy Norton
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Winter is finally over, the trees are re-leafed.

- Tim's Homestead Journal - Purchase a copy of Building a Better World in Your Backyard - Purchase 6 Decks of Permaculture Cards -
- Purchase 12x Decks of Permaculture Cards - Purchase a copy of the SKIP Book - Purchase 12x copies of Building a Better World in your Backyard

 
Timothy Norton
Steward of piddlers
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Hey yo girl, you must be a crustose because I'm lichen you.

(Botany jokes anyone?)

- Tim's Homestead Journal - Purchase a copy of Building a Better World in Your Backyard - Purchase 6 Decks of Permaculture Cards -
- Purchase 12x Decks of Permaculture Cards - Purchase a copy of the SKIP Book - Purchase 12x copies of Building a Better World in your Backyard

 
Matt McSpadden
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If swimmers get swimmer's ear...
and athletes get athlete's foot...
what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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Warning label on a can of furniture polish:

"Do not ingest. Will cause a slow death, but a beautiful finish."

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Maieshe Ljin
gardener
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Hopefully this isn’t too horrible.

A: Have you had a hair cut?
B: No!
A: Then why is your hair shorter?
B: I did not cut a hair.
A: How many hairs did you cut?
B: Many!
 
Pearl Sutton
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The police just showed up and took my dog!!
("Why?")
He has unpaid barking tickets  :(

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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In order to fix my money problems I'm experimenting with breeding racing deer.

I'm just trying to make a fast buck

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Kelly Ventana
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Matt McSpadden wrote:If swimmers get swimmer's ear...
and athletes get athlete's foot...
what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!



I might be olde, but I'm not dead, lol.  Your joke reminded me of this one:

A guy with his pockets full of golf balls gets on a bus and sits next to a blonde.
The blonde furtively glances several times at his pockets.
The guy notices and says, "Golf balls."
The blonde looks at him and asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 
Maieshe Ljin
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Why stay away from people who eat too many root vegetables?

They don’t listen, they just orpine and orpine.
 
Matt McSpadden
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Police arrested a Smith County bee keeper this morning... he is being charged with honey laundering.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
I have discovered my inner Beavis through interpretive dance. I learned it from this tiny ad:
Learn Permaculture through a little hard work
https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp
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