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jokes

Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 1 month ago

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I'm never taking cooking instructions literally again...

It said "chill in the fridge for an hour"...

I nearly died.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 1 month ago

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Why did the chicken join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks.

Sorry, this one's a bit lame...

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Daisy Pickett

Posts: 11

Location: Ohio

posted 1 month ago

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She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature chicken.

Daisy Pickett

Posts: 11

Location: Ohio

posted 1 month ago

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Daisy Pickett wrote:She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature chicken.

Their relationship was as explosive as potato salad sitting in the sun at a 4th of July picnic.

Timothy Norton

Steward of piddlers

Posts: 7854

Location: Upstate New York, Zone 5b, 43 inch Avg. Rainfall

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posted 1 month ago

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A goose goes to the grocery store and gets in line at the register with a stick of chapstick.

The cashier says "Cash or Credit?"

The goose says "Neither, just put it on my bill."

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Timothy Norton

Steward of piddlers

Posts: 7854

Location: Upstate New York, Zone 5b, 43 inch Avg. Rainfall

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What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog.

M Ljin

master gardener

Posts: 2597

Location: Zone 5

1525

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posted 1 month ago

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What do you call it when someone comes and visits your mind from afar just to talk your ear off without letting you speak?

Lemmetellyapathy.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 968

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 1 month ago

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When you first meet me you'll think I'm on medication.

As you get to know me you'll wonder why I'm not.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3569

Location: Maine, zone 5

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posted 1 month ago

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I accidentally drank a little Axe Body Spray. Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Daisy Pickett

Posts: 11

Location: Ohio

posted 1 month ago

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Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8637

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3525

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posted 1 month ago

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I landed a part time job. My boss wanted to sign me up for 401 K. I told him there was no way I was going to run that far.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

M Ljin

master gardener

Posts: 2597

Location: Zone 5

1525

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posted 1 month ago

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My friend tried to grow jerusalem artichokes. It was a complete success. The voles didn’t eat them. I’m joking by the way.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

M Ljin

master gardener

Posts: 2597

Location: Zone 5

1525

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posted 1 month ago

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I met a man who only ate burdock burrs day after day. He didn’t like them boiled either, just chewed them raw, and ate little else. One day someone suggested he put some vinegar and oil and cheese in with them, but he turned up his nose at that idea.

“Burdock burrs are fine for me! I don’t know what I’d do without them. I just tried them one day, and they became a habit that stuck.”

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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Act my age??
I've never been this age before.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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One just can't have a good and decent Slaughter without Laughter.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

Blaine Clark

Posts: 113

Location: West-central Pennsylvania

posted 1 month ago

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Feller opened a laundry next door to a convent. He stopped by once and inquired if they had any dirty habits.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8637

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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This morning I woke up with a completely fresh perspective on life. I decided it was foolish to give up on my dreams. So, I went back to sleep.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8637

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3525

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posted 1 month ago

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I am seriously beginning to question my MD. I am 6’3”, but according to the BMI chart in his office, I am too short.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8637

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3525

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posted 1 month ago

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I noticed the time stamp on one of my above posts. That begs a question. At what point in life does 4:00 AM become early in the morning rather than late at night?

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

r ransom

steward & author

Posts: 47072

Location: Left Coast Canada

19144

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posted 1 month ago

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My grandfather swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb
But I find it tastes much better with custard

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r ransom

steward & author

Posts: 47072

Location: Left Coast Canada

19144

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posted 1 month ago

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How Do Coffee Beans Say Goodbye?
They say, "See you latte!"

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r ransom

steward & author

Posts: 47072

Location: Left Coast Canada

19144

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posted 1 month ago

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Why Don’t Coffee Beans Ever Get Into Trouble?
Because they’re always grounded.

how permies works
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r ransom

steward & author

Posts: 47072

Location: Left Coast Canada

19144

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posted 1 month ago

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What Do You Call a Cow That Just Had a Baby?
De-calf-inated.

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r ransom

steward & author

Posts: 47072

Location: Left Coast Canada

19144

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posted 1 month ago

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A man went to his doctor and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he gets a stabbing pain in his right eye

The doctor said, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of your cup before drinking?"

how permies works
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M Ljin

master gardener

Posts: 2597

Location: Zone 5

1525

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posted 1 month ago

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Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry,
The best thing for wiping the stove clean and dry.
If I hadn’t rye whiskey I’m sure I would die
For shame that my house should be filthy as a sty.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 1 month ago

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How much did the chef pay for pasta?

A penne.

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 968

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

560

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posted 1 month ago

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I wonder if Beano is considered a seasoning, for beans?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9821

Location: Missouri Ozarks

5424

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posted 1 month ago

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Wanna know why it feels so good to go to the aquarium?

It's all the indoor fins.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Phil Swindler

pollinator

Posts: 304

Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States

posted 1 month ago

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Do you know how rare it is for a cow to be struck by lightening?

Medium Rare.

Your friend isn't always right and your enemy isn't always wrong.

Phil Swindler

pollinator

Posts: 304

Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States

posted 1 month ago

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What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte.

Your friend isn't always right and your enemy isn't always wrong.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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How does a Hamburger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 1 month ago

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A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.

Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."

Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."

The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.

This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.

After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."

He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.

The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."

The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.

Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.

"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."

"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.

"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"

The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"

"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."

The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.

"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 1 month ago

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An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,
but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down.

The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest."

"Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks.

"Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 1 month ago

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away
there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16189

Location: SW Missouri

12542

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posted 1 month ago

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Fingers-Mazada, the first thief in the world, stole fire from the gods.
But he was unable to fence it, it was too hot.

He got really burned on that deal

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 3221

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1768

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posted 4 weeks ago

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Bob: We finally figured out what is wrong with you
Rob: What?
Bob: On the left side of your brain there is nothing right. And on the right side of your brain there is nothing left.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
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Kara Ann

Posts: 45

Location: Mason County, WA USA:Ha; Harstine gravel ashy sandy loam

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posted 3 weeks ago

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hee hee

Wordplay_Joke_Bees.jpg

“Not everyone can be a truffle. Most of us are potatoes. And a potato is a very good thing to be.” Massimo Bottura, Never Trust A Skinny Italian Chef

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15589

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

9967

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posted 3 weeks ago

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A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it?

No. It wooden start.

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Jim Garlits

gardener

Posts: 722

Location: Wabash, Indiana, Zone 6a

366

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posted 3 weeks ago

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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "hey buddy, why the long face?"

The horse said, "shut up and give me a whiskey."

Passionate advocate for living at a human scale and pace.
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Jim Garlits

gardener

Posts: 722

Location: Wabash, Indiana, Zone 6a

366

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posted 3 weeks ago

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Sorry, I feel like giving Norm MacDonald some posthumous love.

A man walked into a bar with a chicken under his arm.

The bartender said, get that filthy animal out of here right now!

The chicken said...

(and here's where it gets interesting...YOU fill in the answer. Here's mine:)

"He is not with me by choice. We are both dragged here by our suffering. And if his odor offends you, show pity, for it is the odor of despair."

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