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jokes

 
master steward
Posts: 14975
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” the barman said. “We don’t serve minors.”
 
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3299
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The other night I slipped out for a couple of drinks while my wife stayed home with a cup of decaf. I ran into some friends and didn’t get home till maybe 2:00AM.   Now I was quiet as a mouse, but she exploded!  What do they put in decaf that would make her act like that?
 
master gardener
Posts: 6047
Location: Carlton County, Minnesota, USA: 3b; Dfb; sandy loam; in the woods
3560
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
 
steward & author
Posts: 45482
Location: Left Coast Canada
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Q: What happened to the printer supply salesman who dreamed about finding a brand new color of ink to sell?
A:He woke up and realized it was all a pigment of his imagination!
 
r ransom
steward & author
Posts: 45482
Location: Left Coast Canada
18073
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My printer just told me it was joining a band
Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.
 
r ransom
steward & author
Posts: 45482
Location: Left Coast Canada
18073
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An RGB walks into a CMYK bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you out of gamut?”
 
pollinator
Posts: 950
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
549
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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My grandson said to me today, "Grandpa, I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think you can do that?"
I said of course.  I don't want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 150 pushups.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3299
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I have woken up over 27,000 times, and I am still not used to it.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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3299
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I consider getting out of bed in the morning to be an outstanding personal achievement.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15966
Location: SW Missouri
12110
2
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Someone told me they just baked some synonym rolls....
I asked "Like the ones grammar used to make?"  
 
Rusticator
Posts: 9617
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5254
7
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Son: What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

Mom: They're both Paris sites.
 
Carla Burke
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Posts: 9617
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5254
7
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
 
Carla Burke
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My husband is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14975
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9313
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I’m fine to serve you but you better not start anything!"
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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My wife gave birth to our son in the car on our way to the hospital.

We named him Carson
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3299
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This morning, when I got up, I found my wife in the study looking at our marriage certificate.   For a moment I was really touched by the scene. Then she told me she was looking for the expiration date.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I took a nap only to wake up with my wife standing by the bed with a chain and what looked like a leather belt. I was kind of excited until she told me it was my turn to walk the dog.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3299
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Had a terrible misunderstanding with my wife today. She was yelling for me from the bathroom. For a moment I thought she was showing off her pole dancing. Then I realized she was slipping on the shower floor and had death grip on the grab bar.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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Been in the dumps all day today. I really had my heart set on waking up rich.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I overheard my wife on the phone referring to me as her lawnmower. That struck me odd for this time of year, so I asked. She responded I was hard to start, too loud, and emitted foul odors.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I went on the Bourbon Diet and lost 3 days.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15966
Location: SW Missouri
12110
2
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Australia! The only continent where the animals have pockets!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 950
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
549
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

------------------------------------

Broken pencils are pointless.

------------------------------------

I'm reading a book about glue........... I can't put it down.

 
out to pasture
Posts: 13110
Location: Portugal
4188
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This made me laugh more than I expected...
use-cream-modified.jpg
[Thumbnail for use-cream-modified.jpg]
 
master gardener
Posts: 2002
Location: Zone 5
1091
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RARELY HAS YELLING AT PEOPLE ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING USEFUL!!!
 
M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 2002
Location: Zone 5
1091
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I did lots of gardening yesterday, which tired me out enough to think I could summon humor. Unfortunately, my mind is barren soil in that respect.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8382
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3299
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My wife blew up at me again. This time for me being lazy. It didn’t matter how many times I told her I haven’t done anything.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I made a chicken salad today.  It didn’t eat any of it.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I finally told myself I had to stop drinking.  Then I asked myself, “Why am I listening to some drunk who talks to himself?”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14975
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why did the storm break up with the hurricane?

It felt like the relationship was too intense and just kept blowing hot air!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you call a flower that’s always full of energy?

A hypericum!
 
steward
Posts: 18541
Location: USDA Zone 8a
4696
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What is Cat Heaven called?

Purradise
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9617
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5254
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sea a bacon tree and says, "OOOH!A bacon tree! We're saved!" And he runs over to the bacon tree and gets shot up with bullets. Turns out that weren't no bacon tree - it was a ham bush!!
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9617
Location: Missouri Ozarks
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I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline. I was gonna confront him... but I got cold feet.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9617
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5254
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The only thing that flat earthers have to fear is sphere, itself.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 950
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
549
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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Sign at beginning of road:

Rough Road
Remove Dentures
Tighten bra straps
 
Posts: 83
Location: West-central Pennsylvania
38
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Signs at the beginning of a road:

Caution, Speed bumps ahead when children are present

Reply:
Dentures or Substitooths?
No bra needed. When necessary my wife tucks them into her underwear.
 
Anne Miller
steward
Posts: 18541
Location: USDA Zone 8a
4696
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Why did the elephant leave the airport?

He forgot to pack his trunk.
 
I agree. Here's the link: http://stoves2.com
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